Piece by Piece

Well....2016 is almost over and all I have to say is, 'Good Riddance!'  I think most everyone will agree that we are happy to see 2016 go.  For some reason this past year has been a terrible one for many people.  Social media has erupted with meme's, gifs and videos all declaring that 2016, for lack of better words, sucked. With the conclusion of the year approaching, I like to take some time to reflect on the past year, and as I do so I realize that while it has not been the easiest year personally, I can honestly say that I have learned a lot. We truly never know what someone else is going through:   Often times we walk around with a smile on our face, when inwardly we are feeling low.  This happy exterior is often a shield to protect ourselves from being vulnerable to our emotions and to others.  I think that we as human beings are more alike that we are different.  We all have our 'stuff' to deal with in life; no one is excluded from the pains of the

I wish I could explain the feeling I get when it happens.  I wish I could describe the exact moment it happens and what goes through my head.  Below is my best attempt. There are times, especially around the holidays, when we are presented with lots of parties, and lots of food and festivities.  For someone with an eating disorder it's extremely difficult to be in the same room at these events.  Last year I did my best to avoid them all together.  I was too busy to attend the party, or if I felt as though I had no choice in the matter, I would pull apart my food to make it appeared as though I had eaten.  This year, I stayed in the room.  The first party of the season.  I stayed, I grew anxious, I picked, not ate, I left, I cried.  I cried because I felt like a failure.  I cried because I let Ed win.  He got in my head and caused me to restrict.   For some reason I have not been able to find a happy medium at parties,  I literally break down.  I want to eat it all, and if I

Everything, every place, every person has a label whether we like it or not.  Labels can be things such as, cheap, tacky, ugly, mean, quirky, smart, scary, dangerous etc.  Most any word can be used to describe a thing, place or person.  Labels are like adjectives; they are descriptive words.  Labels are everywhere.  Have you ever used a hashtag?  Yep that's a label.  Heck, on this blog I can add 'labels', or words, that best describe the blog post so it can reach it's intended or inspired audience.  That's life, we can sit there and preach how we are such a good person, but we are all using these 'labels' in some way, shape or form in our daily lives.   I have fallen victim many times to labeling people, locations etc.  and have been labeled by others. You can judge me all me want, call me all sorts of names, and yes it will bother me, but I will get over it...eventually.  One label, however, I have not separated myself from is a label that you all know ve

Greetings world. I've struggled the past few days.  At a time when I felt like, 'Man, I got this.' I struggled, and I let myself down.  For once I am not worried about letting someone else down, and I'm sad because I let myself down.  When I let myself down, I beat myself up.  My eating disorder (Ed) becomes louder and encourages the thoughts of, 'I'm a disappointment', 'a failure,' 'I can't do this,' 'life is better with an eating disorder.'  It's when this voice becomes so loud I need to do my best to shut it out, negate what he's saying, strive to prove him wrong.   Yesterday was this kind of day.  I look around in moments of weakness and see the 'lucky ones'.  The ones that are thin,  the girls that don't eat much (just enough to say they did), the ones who choose coffee/caffeine over food to suppress the appetite, they are so much prettier than I am.   "And they tell you that you’re lucky. But

I just got out of a great session with my therapist and it has sparked a fire inside of me. One thing that I love about going to see my therapist is that I have an unbiased party to speak to and we never know where the conversation is going to go.  Today, we got a little off topic from my initial discussion, but it has opened my eyes.   I am in a place where I am starting to care less and less about what people think. However, I do still make a lot of decisions based on how others will perceive my decision....it's exhausting, and I'm getting sick of it.  Why should I let other people's perspectives and opinions change the way I live my life. There have been a few stories I recalled that I remember people, strangers and acquaintances, who have made snarky comments about me both to my face and behind my back.  To the comments that were made to my face about not valuing my opinion or being too 'nice'...you're ballsy, and also smart, because you knew I wouldn

The past week I've been on an adventure with my best friend.  We started our journey at a wedding in Arizona, we hiked at Red Rocks in Sedona, saw Sunset Crater, and the Grand Canyon.  We then traveled to Utah where we hiked the Narrows, Emerald Pools and Observation Point at Zion.  From there we made our way to Las Vegas for a relaxing time and the Britney Spears concert.  It sure was an incredible adventure and one that was truly eye opening. This adventure was a truly strenuous one, with so much hiking requiring great endurance.  I am so incredibly proud of myself for being able to do such hard/rewarding work.  As we were on the trails, I often reminded myself of how far I've come on my recovery journey.  I honestly do not think that I would have been able to do so much with as much strength as I had if this was a year ago.  My weight gain in treatment was difficult at first, however, I've been working hard at the gym to build my muscles and endurance and it has truly

There you were just sitting there.  Staring at me.  Calling my name, enticing me.  'Shut up, I can't', I say.   But you were insistent, 'It'll be fine.  You will go to the gym and you'll feel better about it.'   'No, I can't. I want to, but I'm scared, and going to the gym will not help.  Trust me I WANT to, but he won't let me.' What you just read is a conversation that I have in my head.  I used to have this conversation hourly, then daily, but now it's only every so often.  And the subject of the conversation does vary, today it was with a cookie.  A glorious sugar cookie with frosting and sprinkles was my enemy today.  I hated every second.  All I wanted was to eat that freaking cookie, and I didn't...why? because my eating disorder was shouting loud today telling me I couldn't, and I obeyed.   What's the worse that would have happened?  I would have felt guilty for a while, but I would have enjoyed every bite

I've been struggling a lot lately. I've been going in a downward spiral for a few weeks, and have definitely recognized a difference in my body and mindset.  I've taken one 'bad' thing and turned everything into one big bowl of negativity.  Being aware of my transgressions in my recovery I was eager to get to my therapy session.  It's so much easier venting and talking openly with an unbiased 3rd party.  It's a judgement free environment in which I can spill my guts and receive some awesome advice...I love my LCSW.  I always leave each session feeling great about life, feeling inner strength and feel ready to take on the world.   I was very emotional and my session yesterday because I haven't been expressing my struggles or stress with anyone, that it all exploded.  [Note to self, don't bottle up, open up] I often speak poorly of myself.  I find everything wrong with me, never feel like I am good enough, never believe I deserve anything good, an

I recently read, Rising Strong: The Reckoning, the Rumble, the Revolution  by Brene` Brown, and it's a book I highly recommend.  Brown touches on the idea of being vulnerable, as she has in her previous work Daring Greatly , but in Rising Strong  she shows us the steps to take in order to acknowledge our struggles/disappointments, and how to rise up from them.  Often times we have a difficult time acknowledging our shortcomings, and I am guilty, as I know many others to be, of not admitting when we are wrong.  Brown's research discussed in the book provide the reader with three steps, the reckoning, rumble and revolution.  I will not give a full book review and synopsis here, but rather discuss one quote from the book and how it relates to myself, and I hope you as well. "We don't have to do it all of it alone.  We were never meant to." In sum, we should ask for help from others when we need it.  Growing up, I remember being told by my family and in the classr

My heart began to race as my mind was flooding with images of the past.  There I was, another sleepless night, wide awake, reflecting on some memories.  The setting this time was the apartment we lived in our senior year of college.  I thought, that was eight years ago...where did the time go.  At that moment, my anxiety began to surface.  This particular memory led me to think about how quickly time goes by and about how precious our time here on earth is.  We truly do not know when our life is going to end.  We do not know where we will end up, we just walk out on faith and hope for the best.  I also developed feelings of guilt; I've made such great memories over the course of my life, and for 1/3 of my life I let my negative feelings dictate my time here. I've been surrounded by tragedy in the last few months, both personally, affecting people I love and mentally, by the media.  There are so many horrible things that are occurring in the world around me, it just seems se

I feel as though I have been strong for so long.  I feel as though I've made huge progress in my recovery so far.  I feel as though I am falling down. Something I've always done is put on a smile and portrayed a happy carefree woman.  The truth is for much of my life that was a mask to hide what was really going on, the anxiety, the depression, the feelings of not being good enough, the eating disorder.  Only until the past few months I've taken off that mask and have been true to who I am as a person, not fearing what others will think of me and living as openly and honestly as I can.   I've been so strong, it was only a matter of time before I would start to fall. Yesterday I began to fall.  I restricted.  I called myself a loser.  I completely broke down on the couch. I had a 'why me, why us?' moment.  That feeling carried on into today.  I feel sad and broken.  I'm a walking zombie.  As I write this I realize I have two choices I can either continu

A wise man once said, 'I am what I am, and that's all that I am'.  Yes, by wise man I mean a fictional character who dined on spinach while chewing on a pipe.  Maybe not the most authoritative visionary, but that quote is simple and filled with insight. I have mentioned in my previous posts that being in recovery I have begun to peel some of my layers back and am getting to know myself more and more each day.  Although, I am starting to know myself, I have been surrounded by friends and loved ones that have known who I am for a long while.  I especially want to focus on my friends...let's be honest here, more often than not our family will be there for us because we are just that, family.  Friends, however, can leave if they choose to. I have been extremely blessed to have a lot of friends in my life with whom I know I can confide in anywhere, anytime, any place.  The group of people that I call friends aren't my friends because of anything artificial, they are

While I was in treatment I started making an altered book.  I didn't know what it was until going to treatment, so I will explain it here.  To create an altered book you take a book already in existence and you 'alter' it's form.  You can use magazine clippings, actual photos, and create your own artwork on the pages etc. You are doing what the name suggests, and altering the book from it's original form to a different form and adding your own unique meaning to it as well.   I know...before you go on, you may be thinking, 'What kind of librarian would do such a horrid thing to a book?!'...my answer...ONE BAD ASS LIBRARIAN! Two of the pages in my book I used to create a poem using the method referred to as blackout poetry. To create a blackout poem you find words on the page(s) you are using that have significance to you, or that inspire you....you then take a sharpie marker and blackout the other words on the page so you are left with only those that are

I recently came across an article that has inspired this blog post. Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD) is defined by the Anxiety and Depression Association of Americas as, "BDD is a body-image disorder characterized by persistent and intrusive preoccupations with an imagined or slight defect in one's appearance." This does not refer to the fact that most of us have one thing we would like to change about our appearance.  For instance I've always wanted breast implants, because I am unsatisfied and self conscious with the rack I've got.  Some other people may want a nose job or a face lift or something else.  Having BDD is being so preoccupied with one 'flaw' that emotional distress occurs.  Folks that suffer with BDD do not see parts of their body accurately.  I thought that maybe I suffered from Body Dysmorphia, but wasn't sure.  My future therapist in treatment declared that I did in fact suffer from BDD.   For me, regardless of my weight I see my

Jumping out of a plane with a complete stranger on my back.   Going bungee jumping.   Convincing my family to go on crazy thrill rides with me.   No fear of anything ever happening to me.   I was invincible.   Had someone asked me what being fearless meant years ago, even months ago, this most likely would have been my response.   That is until that January morning I sat on my couch and cried.  I wasn’t invincible at all.  I was slowly killing myself, and suddenly, that girl who was so ‘fearless’ was now fearing for her life.  After two months of treatment I realized that being fearless isn’t about any of the above stated items.  Being fearless means waking up every day and living life.  Every time that I choose to eat a meal or a snack that aligns with my meal plan.  Challenging myself and eating ice cream because I want to.  Realizing that even though I relapsed months into recovery, I had the choice to get back on track.  Being open and honest with my husband, support t

Goals.  Many people have them, some people achieve them, others don't, some give up everything not worrying about the consequences, some do everything possible and don't get the outcome they expected...but they get a lot more then they ever dreamed of.  I've know friends who have dreamed of becoming wealthy through work, others who have dreamed of getting married and having a family, getting a degree.  So many people with such passion and ambition; and then there's me. For the past 10 years I achieved much, I got a BA and a Masters, have been blessed with a great career, got married, moved and am finally settling down as we prepare to start a family.  All of these amazing things, none of which were my life goals (or so I thought), my goal for 10 years was to be skinny. At points, I starved myself, I overexercised, I binged and purged, and sometimes I did all of these things.  I had no energy for life, I was irritable, I avoided many social gatherings, I abused alcoho

Timing is everything.  I have had a difficult time with recovery.  My body image has been shit, I've relapsed.  Yet I have still found some strength to maintain my recovery.   In the time of my recent struggles I received a message from a friend on Facebook.  The message was one of the kindest messages I've ever received.  In sum this mess thanked me for my courage to share my story, as well as thanking me for inspiring her.  If you don't know me, I am an extremely emotional person, so of course after reading this message I began to cry.  I never thought of myself as being an inspiration for anyone, and receiving this message was very humbling and eye opening.   You truly never know who you will have an impact on, and for that reason I think that it is important to be true to who you are as a person, and to be honest about your struggles and victories.  I am truly grateful for that message I received and for my friend who had the courage to contact me and share h

It's pretty safe to say, that when I was in my eating disorder, I was never really present in moments with my friends and family.  My mind was so consumed with food; restricting my food, when I could purge, how many calories have I had so far.  My head was so filled with these thoughts that I never enjoyed the little moments with my loved ones.  Additionally, I was often too weak to hold/carry my nieces for long periods of time.  I lacked patience, was irritable, and not being mindful of our time together. Fast forward to last week. My sister and my nieces took a trip to visit my husband and I.  I can gladly say that this was the first time in probably years that I enjoyed nearly every second of their visit.  I wasn't worried about what I was eating, what I looked like, and I had enough energy to run around, play with and carry my nieces.  I have been struggling a lot lately with my meal plan, and my body image.  I think it's important for me to reflect on my recent v

I've been lying to you all, and to myself.  A part of me hopes that when I write a blog post about being strong, not worrying about what the scale says, and how great I feel dancing or running that maybe I will believe I am overcoming.  I am not as strong as I make it seem.  Again, I find myself wearing a mask, a comforting tool I've used for at least 10 years now.  A mask that hides who I really am and what I really feel. I've worn this mask for so long I've don't know how to take it off...scratch that, I know how to take it off, I am just scared of what others will see....what I will see.  I have lost my identity and now I am feeling just as lost as ever. I've found myself restricting.  I've found myself hugging the toilet bowl after meals.  I've found myself sleeping too much, and enjoying life too little.  I've once again found myself feeling alone, scared and hopeless. I hope that one day soon I will open my eyes again and get a glimpse of w

Cellulite is something that I have always had.  I even had it when I was at my lowest weight in my adult years.  I know plenty of people that also have cellulite, even the thinnest people.  I feel that the media associates cellulite as being a 'fat person' thing as well as a negative.  Due to this portrayal that society publicizes it leaves many women feeling insecure about said cellulite. These insecurities can lead women to use creams or receive treatment to minimize the appearance of cellulite.  I have been extremely insecure about my cellulite and I have had conversations with others that also find themselves insecure about their cellulite.  I understand how the appearance can appear 'unattractive', however, most women have cellulite, so why not celebrate cellulite?! Recently, Ashley Graham, 'curvy ' model, was attacked for a picture of her with her 'cellulite city'. Confident and beautiful Graham responded to these trolls with, 'Someone once to

Hate is a strong word, and I don't like using it because of the power it has.  So in this post, I am going to share with you some of my least favorite things. Scales.  These 'instruments for weighing' have only caused stress to those who dislike the digital number that appears once they step on it.  Society and the media have put so much emphasis on how low our weight should be, by glamorizing rail thin models, actresses etc.  Those that are genetically predisposed to an eating disorder can easily fall victim to a number.  I know that I have...and even when I was at my lowest weight in my eating disorder it still was not low enough.  To what extent are we willing to go to meet our 'goals'.  Once we hit that 'goal', do we only set a new goal to achieve.  Risks include screwing up our metabolism, lowering our heart rate, feeling weak, feeling empty, and sometimes even death.  Even those of us who are not genetically predisposed can find that much time is pre

A few weeks ago a friend of mine invited me to join her and a bunch of our friends to go and do zumba.  I had done zumba a few times before and remembered getting frustrated with it, but I figured why not?  So every Monday and a few other days during the week I am enjoying doing zumba both with friends and with strangers.  While I am not the best dancer in the world, I am having the time of my life each week!  I find my body feeling a healthy exhaustion, and smiling the whole time!  I have not only been having a good time and have noticed my body getting stronger...I think I'm even getting a booty! In addition to getting my dance on I went to the gym for the first time in months.  I was a little scared going in to the gym.  I know that I have gained weight and I was scared to see some of the people that I haven't seen since being home from treatment.  I got over that quickly when I was able to run the most that I have in a long time, and I felt great!   Following my run I d

Why today sucked: I felt fat.   I felt ugly. I tried on shorts that used to be big and I could barely button them. I had to stick to my meal plan despite not feeling hungry I went shopping and was forced to buy a size that seemed absurd. My rabbit continues to ruin our furniture. Our cats can't get along. Why today was great: I made people laugh. I relaxed on the couch....and was surrounded by our 3 fur babies. I rode my bike. I went for a walk. I was able to afford to buy new clothes for my changing body. Our neighbor gave us vegetables from the garden. I got to see my family via Facetime. My husband told me I was beautiful. We ate dinner together. The Cavs won game 7. --That's just the short list-- When today started, I was upset because of clothes not fitting.  It's so easy to take one thing and turn it into, my life sucks, this is the worst day ever, woe is me.  It's hard to look at the good things that happen on a daily basis...but when you

I have struggled a lot this past week and today is the first day that I am feel really great!  Whenever I am struggling with body image I try to focus on not what my body looks like, but what it does for me. This sounds great coming out of a therapists mouth, however, it is much harder to do when all you want to do is change everything about your body.   I have had an eyeopening experience recently in which I am truly grateful for my body.  I remember when I would workout in the past it took everything that I had to get through a workout.  I would try to hit x amount of calories burned, or a certain distance, all while hoping that I wouldn't pass out. Today as I was running I was grateful for how I felt after.  Sure, I was sweaty and tired, but it was a different kind of tired.  Not a I need to lay down before I pass out from not enough food in my system, but a healthy fatigue in which I am exhausted but am grateful to be.   I cannot guarantee that in an hour from now I will fe

So yesterday was already a hard day and then I found the sweetest, yet most ignorant person since I've been home.   It is extremely beneficial to someone in recovery to have a number of people to act as a support team.  I have a number of my friends from treatment and at home to support me, but I was also hoping to find an Eating Disorders Anonymous group.  Unfortunately we do not have any in the area so instead it was recommended to try Over eaters Anonymous (OA), a program that welcomes people with a number of different eating disorders.   I got to the location of the OA meeting, but needed help finding the room.  I found a sweet woman to ask... Me:  Do you know where room 126 is?  There is a meeting in it and I'm not familiar with the building. Woman:  Well, what is the meeting you are looking for? Me: Over eaters Anonymous. Woman: (looks me up and down) Yeah, cause you need that meeting.  They can teach you how to eat. (laughs) Me: (awkwardly) Actually, I suff

'Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened." Dr. Seuss #nailedit Good ol' Dr. Seuss nails it again!  I was reading my daily devotional and this is the quote that it had as a precursor for the daily goal.  All that I can say was that this quote was absolutely perfect for my feelings yesterday.  We have all had to make decisions in our life both big and small.  After we've made those decsions we may dwell on the thought, 'Was that the right decision?'  Well, this is how I've been feeling a lot. After much thought I have decided to resign from my position as a Children's Librarian.  This job has had many rewards, especially seeing the joy on the children's faces during story time or at a program. I have also made some incredible friends at this job, friendships that I believe will last a lifetime. My work had a lot of rewards and also a lot of stress (as do most jobs), and having struggled with severe anxiety and panic attacks,

Often times we find ourselves saying negative things about ourselves.  A simple example, you may make a mistake and say, 'I'm so stupid'.  Or in a more serious case we may say, 'I am such a screw up, I can't do anything right, I'll never amount to anything.'  No matter how 'minor' or severe, the things we tell ourselves are implanted in our brains and in some cases we start to believe them, whether or not they are true. DISCLAIMER:  They are usually false Suffering from anxiety, depression, and an eating disorder my lies became my truths.  I have a doom or gloom mindset; I think life is never going to get better, so why is it worth living; I am forgettable; I'm fat, ugly, worthless etc. So, what happens when these so called truths become challenged by those around us? Today was my final day in Intensive Outpatient treatment, and before you bid farewell the other patients and staff take the time to say nice things about the departing patient