Piece by Piece

I sometimes feel like a broken record when I write, but there are some feelings and thoughts that are constant.  One thing I feel like I preach and try to work on is not to worry about what others think...well let me tell you, I realized today that I am not doing well in that area. Last night into day I had a truly debilitating migraine.  I was incredibly ill and I felt horrible.  Still, I made an attempt to go to work because, having been the day after a long holiday weekend, I didn't want my colleagues to think I was just extending my weekend.  I didn't think about how it was hard to even walk.  I immediately thought, I don't want them to think poorly of me...yes, I am a freak.  I ended up being at work for a grand total of 15 minutes before leaving and sleeping five hours.   I then proceeded to think about all of the times I pretend to be "cool" but I am so worried about being seen in a poor light.   Here's the truth; I worry way too much...

Our words matter.  What we say to others has an impact; what we say to ourselves has an even bigger impact.  I have found that in my life I am always eager to make sure I am making everybody else happy.  I find myself worried most nights about interactions that I had throughout the day, ‘Did they take what I said the wrong way?’, ‘Why didn’t ___ say hi to me?’ etc.  I know many friends and acquaintances who have expressed the same anxieties. No doubt we need to be kind to others , but we cannot neglect ourselves along the way. The things that we tell ourselves on a daily basis are so important.  I’ve always heard about the power of words but I don’t think I ever truly believed the impact until recently. Before giving birth to Giuliana, I would say everyday how healthy she was and would continue to be, I would also say how a position at a library closer to home would open up and I would get it. All of these things came to be true. Would these things have ...

The other night I was organizing some photos and I came across a number of photos from when I was a little girl. As I saw these pictures I remembered a chapter that I read in Jenni Schaefer's book, Life without Ed.  The chapter gives an exercise for the reader to try when they are struggling with their eating disorder.  The exercise tells the reader to find a picture of their self when they were little.  After locating a picture, tape it to a mirror that you use often.  Once it is up, she challenges you to try and say the things you say to your present self on a daily basis...more or less it is impossible to do.  I could never look at 'baby Tracy' and call her fat, ugly, stupid etc.  After remembering this exercise, tears filled my eyes and I was inspired.  I do not think I decided to do this photo organization by chance, I think I needed to remember this. This exercise is something that really resonates with me and I think anyone could benefit fr...

The past week I've been on an adventure with my best friend.  We started our journey at a wedding in Arizona, we hiked at Red Rocks in Sedona, saw Sunset Crater, and the Grand Canyon.  We then traveled to Utah where we hiked the Narrows, Emerald Pools and Observation Point at Zion.  From there we made our way to Las Vegas for a relaxing time and the Britney Spears concert.  It sure was an incredible adventure and one that was truly eye opening. This adventure was a truly strenuous one, with so much hiking requiring great endurance.  I am so incredibly proud of myself for being able to do such hard/rewarding work.  As we were on the trails, I often reminded myself of how far I've come on my recovery journey.  I honestly do not think that I would have been able to do so much with as much strength as I had if this was a year ago.  My weight gain in treatment was difficult at first, however, I've been working hard at the gym to build my muscles and ...

There you were just sitting there.  Staring at me.  Calling my name, enticing me.  'Shut up, I can't', I say.   But you were insistent, 'It'll be fine.  You will go to the gym and you'll feel better about it.'   'No, I can't. I want to, but I'm scared, and going to the gym will not help.  Trust me I WANT to, but he won't let me.' What you just read is a conversation that I have in my head.  I used to have this conversation hourly, then daily, but now it's only every so often.  And the subject of the conversation does vary, today it was with a cookie.  A glorious sugar cookie with frosting and sprinkles was my enemy today.  I hated every second.  All I wanted was to eat that freaking cookie, and I didn't...why? because my eating disorder was shouting loud today telling me I couldn't, and I obeyed.   What's the worse that would have happened?  I would have felt guilty for a while, but I would have enjoyed every...

I've been lying to you all, and to myself.  A part of me hopes that when I write a blog post about being strong, not worrying about what the scale says, and how great I feel dancing or running that maybe I will believe I am overcoming.  I am not as strong as I make it seem.  Again, I find myself wearing a mask, a comforting tool I've used for at least 10 years now.  A mask that hides who I really am and what I really feel. I've worn this mask for so long I've don't know how to take it off...scratch that, I know how to take it off, I am just scared of what others will see....what I will see.  I have lost my identity and now I am feeling just as lost as ever. I've found myself restricting.  I've found myself hugging the toilet bowl after meals.  I've found myself sleeping too much, and enjoying life too little.  I've once again found myself feeling alone, scared and hopeless. I hope that one day soon I will open my eyes again and get a glimpse o...

Hate is a strong word, and I don't like using it because of the power it has.  So in this post, I am going to share with you some of my least favorite things. Scales.  These 'instruments for weighing' have only caused stress to those who dislike the digital number that appears once they step on it.  Society and the media have put so much emphasis on how low our weight should be, by glamorizing rail thin models, actresses etc.  Those that are genetically predisposed to an eating disorder can easily fall victim to a number.  I know that I have...and even when I was at my lowest weight in my eating disorder it still was not low enough.  To what extent are we willing to go to meet our 'goals'.  Once we hit that 'goal', do we only set a new goal to achieve.  Risks include screwing up our metabolism, lowering our heart rate, feeling weak, feeling empty, and sometimes even death.  Even those of us who are not genetically predisposed can find that ...

A few weeks ago a friend of mine invited me to join her and a bunch of our friends to go and do zumba.  I had done zumba a few times before and remembered getting frustrated with it, but I figured why not?  So every Monday and a few other days during the week I am enjoying doing zumba both with friends and with strangers.  While I am not the best dancer in the world, I am having the time of my life each week!  I find my body feeling a healthy exhaustion, and smiling the whole time!  I have not only been having a good time and have noticed my body getting stronger...I think I'm even getting a booty! In addition to getting my dance on I went to the gym for the first time in months.  I was a little scared going in to the gym.  I know that I have gained weight and I was scared to see some of the people that I haven't seen since being home from treatment.  I got over that quickly when I was able to run the most that I have in a long time, and I felt ...