Piece by Piece

I am the heaviest weight I have ever been (not counting pregnancy) and I am also the happiest. I don't know if there is a correlation or not, and that doesn't matter; I am truly happy. For years I strived for the 'perfect' body and would do anything to get there, and yet when I would continue to lose weight I was never satisfied. I remember when I was in college and I was getting dinner from one of the restaurants in the campus center, the food service worker told me that I had beautiful eyes and he could tell that I have lived through a lot. What he probably saw was tired eyes, hollow, empty. The irony there was while I had been through a lot at that point in time, I was never truly living. Yes, my heart was beating but I wasn't truly alive. Now here I am, 15 years later, my eyes are beautiful, filled with joy, light and love. Today, I am very rarely hung up on what I eat, or what my body looks like, but rather I am putting my focus on my family and doing my part t...

Who would have thought 11 months ago that we would be where we are today. I rang in the New Year eating delicious food, drinking spiked hot chocolate and seeing an amazing light display with a dear friend. As many folks did, I had high hopes for 2020.  Unfortunately, this year has quite possibly been the worst year I've had in a long time, possibly ever. From the world living through a pandemic and the emotional toll that has had, witnessing pure hatred in our very own country, to a more personal struggle relapsing with both my eating disorder and trichotillomania and losing my father to cancer, this year was emotionally and mentally exhausting. Now this is not a post for a pity party, this is a post about perspective and seeing the good in the bad. Take-aways from 2020 As I have expressed in my most recent post, my dad was a good man, who of course had his faults as we all do, but he lived life to the best of his ability and gave what he could when he could. He was also suffering....

I am always preaching that it's great to be vulnerable, but the thing I am about to share is terrifying. I've been thinking about it for a few days, and then this morning I was watching a TV show and their main topic for discussion was being vulnerable...so I took that as a sign. I brought this topic up in therapy on Wednesday and my therapist asked, 'Why now? why are you bringing this up today?' She didn't say it to be an asshole, I knew exactly what she meant. I responded, 'It's just been really bad lately, and I don't know how to fix it.' She then reminded me of all the bullshit that's happened the last few months... and I thought touché. In any case, I have struggled with Trichtotillomania for about 16 years. If you are not familiar with the term, Trichtotillomania is, "A disorder that involves recurrent, irresistible urges to pull out body hair." I recall my first urges when I was a Freshman/Sophomore in High Schoo...

I have referred to the 'highlight reel' before. For those of you who haven't heard this term before, it is used to refer to pictures that people post on social media; everyone shows their highlight reel, but there is always more to the story...more to their story. Stefan and I recently went on a trip to Charleston to celebrate our wedding anniversary. We had a fabulous time on the beach, eating great food and enjoying some adult beverages. It was also comforting to know that Bean was in great hands with Stefan's parents. A minor digression, anyone who has kids, I cannot stress enough the importance of getting some time away just you and your significant other. It is not only healthy for you as a couple, but it is healthy for your child(ren) as well. In any case we had a great time, I took some great pictures, but as with most pictures there is more to the story. On our second night in Charleston we went to this fabulous bar. We were having a great time...

How many of you make a New Years resolution and stick to it for a month and then quit? I am so guilty of this. Last year, I said I was going to write a book. I was super confident that I would do it, but when it got to be the summer and I hadn't touched it I realized it wasn't going to happen. While I do believe that there is a book somewhere inside of me, I also recognize that that resolution may have been a little too much for me for that stage of my life. 2019 posed to be a challenging one for me emotionally and socially. People that I am close to have struggled with their health, from chronic pain, to a recent cancer diagnosis. I have given a lot with some relationships and haven't received much in return. I know that I have probably left people feeling this way about me, and for that I am sorry. People come in and out of our lives and the ones that are meant to stay forever will. I ended the year feeling extremely empty and a little broken so for 202...

It's the day after Christmas and I am taking down our decorations.  Typically I will wait until 'Little Christmas' on January 6th, however I am so over this year I am ready to move on. I have said numerous times that it just didn't feel like the holiday season this year and now Thanksgiving and Christmas have come and gone and I am still feeling just as empty.  I told a friend the other day that my spirit is gone, someone stole it from me, and I let it happen. There have been a few times in my life where my kindness has been confused for flirtation.  My kindness let someone sexually harass me in the work place and not get reprimanded because the person I told was my husband, and it was five years after it happened.  I recall thinking it was my fault because maybe my dress was too short.  In the most recent of cases my kindness was taken advantage of, I was manipulated and left to question my own sense of being. I have been a strong advocate of being yourse...

This isn't your obligatory Thanksgiving post about how grateful I am for my friends and family...that should happen every day, so if you are posting strictly for the fact that it's Thanksgiving maybe you should consider being more thoughtful every day and not just for a holiday.  Sorry, I'm not sorry. I had a friend ask me the other day, 'Is Thanksgiving hard for you?'.  It took me a second to understand what she meant.  'Well yeah', I thought, holidays are hard in general because of the stigma I have put on them, but then I realized that she was asking if it was hard because of my eating disorder.  I was taken aback by her question because I do not recall anyone ever asking me before.  My response was that it used to be, but this year is different because we are straying home.  She acknowledged the difficulty that the holidays can have on someone who struggles because of all the food and all the people.   For years I felt like people were watch...

If I posted the pictures that I took of Bean today, one would think that we had the best day ever and I have such a sweet baby.  Here is the truth, today was hard, and Bean can be sweet when she wants to be.  Today wasn't one of those days (for the most part).  A day like today prompted crying, a timeout and a beer...all of those were for me.  Very few people prepare you for what it's really going to be like to be a mom, and then boom you're living it. I almost had a complete breakdown while driving today as my child screamed in the backseat.  I knew the only thing I could do was reach out to one of my best friends to help me out.  Very rarely do people tell the world of social media how much of a hot mess their child was that day but I knew that my friend would keep it real for me.  When you are out in public and your child pitches a fit for no good reason (at least not to you) and other people stare and make comments, it makes you feel like there ...

I think I've been a codependent for most of my life, only I didn't know what it was until I met my first therapist.  About nine years ago I had sought out a therapist because of some traumatic experiences I was facing.  It was within the first few sessions when she recommended I read a book called, 'Codependent No More' by Melodie Beattie.  I had never heard of the term before, and if I had, I simply ignored it not thinking it had anything to do with me.  I remember reading the book and thinking, 'Oh my gosh, this is my life.'  It's been a 'diagnosis' that I forget about until I have a breaking moment and I remember.   I was recently listening to the podcast, Work in Progress by Sophia Bush, where she had comedian Whitney Cummings as her guest.  On the podcast they touched on a number of subjects, with codependence being one of them.  Cummings did a great job in explaining what being codependent means, especially in ways I found relatable. ...