Piece by Piece

My heart began to race as my mind was flooding with images of the past.  There I was, another sleepless night, wide awake, reflecting on some memories.  The setting this time was the apartment we lived in our senior year of college.  I thought, that was eight years ago...where did the time go.  At that moment, my anxiety began to surface.  This particular memory led me to think about how quickly time goes by and about how precious our time here on earth is.  We truly do not know when our life is going to end.  We do not know where we will end up, we just walk out on faith and hope for the best.  I also developed feelings of guilt; I've made such great memories over the course of my life, and for 1/3 of my life I let my negative feelings dictate my time here. I've been surrounded by tragedy in the last few months, both personally, affecting people I love and mentally, by the media.  There are so many horrible things that are occurring in t...

A wise man once said, 'I am what I am, and that's all that I am'.  Yes, by wise man I mean a fictional character who dined on spinach while chewing on a pipe.  Maybe not the most authoritative visionary, but that quote is simple and filled with insight. I have mentioned in my previous posts that being in recovery I have begun to peel some of my layers back and am getting to know myself more and more each day.  Although, I am starting to know myself, I have been surrounded by friends and loved ones that have known who I am for a long while.  I especially want to focus on my friends...let's be honest here, more often than not our family will be there for us because we are just that, family.  Friends, however, can leave if they choose to. I have been extremely blessed to have a lot of friends in my life with whom I know I can confide in anywhere, anytime, any place.  The group of people that I call friends aren't my friends because of anything artificial, ...

While I was in treatment I started making an altered book.  I didn't know what it was until going to treatment, so I will explain it here.  To create an altered book you take a book already in existence and you 'alter' it's form.  You can use magazine clippings, actual photos, and create your own artwork on the pages etc. You are doing what the name suggests, and altering the book from it's original form to a different form and adding your own unique meaning to it as well.   I know...before you go on, you may be thinking, 'What kind of librarian would do such a horrid thing to a book?!'...my answer...ONE BAD ASS LIBRARIAN! Two of the pages in my book I used to create a poem using the method referred to as blackout poetry. To create a blackout poem you find words on the page(s) you are using that have significance to you, or that inspire you....you then take a sharpie marker and blackout the other words on the page so you are left with only those that are...

Jumping out of a plane with a complete stranger on my back.   Going bungee jumping.   Convincing my family to go on crazy thrill rides with me.   No fear of anything ever happening to me.   I was invincible.   Had someone asked me what being fearless meant years ago, even months ago, this most likely would have been my response.   That is until that January morning I sat on my couch and cried.  I wasn’t invincible at all.  I was slowly killing myself, and suddenly, that girl who was so ‘fearless’ was now fearing for her life.  After two months of treatment I realized that being fearless isn’t about any of the above stated items.  Being fearless means waking up every day and living life.  Every time that I choose to eat a meal or a snack that aligns with my meal plan.  Challenging myself and eating ice cream because I want to.  Realizing that even though I relapsed months into recovery, I had the choice to get ...

A few weeks ago a friend of mine invited me to join her and a bunch of our friends to go and do zumba.  I had done zumba a few times before and remembered getting frustrated with it, but I figured why not?  So every Monday and a few other days during the week I am enjoying doing zumba both with friends and with strangers.  While I am not the best dancer in the world, I am having the time of my life each week!  I find my body feeling a healthy exhaustion, and smiling the whole time!  I have not only been having a good time and have noticed my body getting stronger...I think I'm even getting a booty! In addition to getting my dance on I went to the gym for the first time in months.  I was a little scared going in to the gym.  I know that I have gained weight and I was scared to see some of the people that I haven't seen since being home from treatment.  I got over that quickly when I was able to run the most that I have in a long time, and I felt ...