Fear(less) Bites Back

Jumping out of a plane with a complete stranger on my back.  Going bungee jumping.  Convincing my family to go on crazy thrill rides with me.  No fear of anything ever happening to me.  I was invincible.  Had someone asked me what being fearless meant years ago, even months ago, this most likely would have been my response. 

That is until that January morning I sat on my couch and cried.  I wasn’t invincible at all.  I was slowly killing myself, and suddenly, that girl who was so ‘fearless’ was now fearing for her life. 

After two months of treatment I realized that being fearless isn’t about any of the above stated items. 

Being fearless means waking up every day and living life.  Every time that I choose to eat a meal or a snack that aligns with my meal plan.  Challenging myself and eating ice cream because I want to.  Realizing that even though I relapsed months into recovery, I had the choice to get back on track.  Being open and honest with my husband, support team and my treatment team, and letting them be open and honest with me (even if I didn’t want to hear it).  Going shopping and buying clothes that fit my new body.  Crying, and crying hard when I need to, not worrying about who sees me.  Sharing my story with others in hopes that maybe I have impacted at least one person.  Voicing my opinion and setting boundaries when I feel triggered or uncomfortable in a situation.  Being my authentic self, eating what I want to eat, wearing what I want to wear and acting goofy without fear of judgement.  Even when things seem bad, knowing that I am loved, I do enough and I am enough. 


That is what fearless means to me.

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