Piece by Piece

I am the heaviest weight I have ever been (not counting pregnancy) and I am also the happiest. I don't know if there is a correlation or not, and that doesn't matter; I am truly happy. For years I strived for the 'perfect' body and would do anything to get there, and yet when I would continue to lose weight I was never satisfied. I remember when I was in college and I was getting dinner from one of the restaurants in the campus center, the food service worker told me that I had beautiful eyes and he could tell that I have lived through a lot. What he probably saw was tired eyes, hollow, empty. The irony there was while I had been through a lot at that point in time, I was never truly living. Yes, my heart was beating but I wasn't truly alive. Now here I am, 15 years later, my eyes are beautiful, filled with joy, light and love. Today, I am very rarely hung up on what I eat, or what my body looks like, but rather I am putting my focus on my family and doing my part t...

As I laid my head down on my pillow last night, I knew that I made it another day without anyone asking me what I ate.  To my eating disorder brain this is amazing.  I didn't have to tell anyone that I didn't eat, that I skipped most of my needed intake for the day.  The Tracy I've been slowly losing shouted from the depths of my body that something was wrong.  I closed my eyes and listened to the white noise of our air purifier, felt the softness of my sheets, and the rapid beating of my heart.  Another anxiety attack?  No, this was a different kind of racing, it was the racing I have felt before when my heart was doing too much work.  I literally thought, I could be having a heart attack.  I tossed and turned 90% of the night and when I did sleep, I dreamt of all the things I do wrong...all the imperfections I have; the imperfect person I am. For weeks now I have been walking a slippery slope in recovery.  My anxiety has increased, my att...

The hottest thing the past week or so seems to be the 10 year challenge: how hard did aging hit you.  I chose not to take part in this challenge just because I simply didn't want to.  I did, however, go back and look at the picture from more than 10 years ago...one of my first ever Facebook pictures.  What did I see? A girl dressed in all pink, who looks like she was 16, smiling.  If I showed you a picture of myself today, you would see the same thing, except maybe now I could pass for 18.  Some people age gracefully, while some others don't, but what does that represent besides another comparison?  You cannot look at someone-else's picture and know what was going on in their lives at that time; how many of you smile through the pain?  I know I did.   What I chose to do instead was think about what my life has looked like the past 10 years.   In the past 10 years I have seen my worst days and my best days.  10+ years ago I was sic...

I said to Stefan the other day, "I need to blog, but I don't feel inspired by anything."  After saying that, I began to realize that I have only felt inspired when I am feeling down, or something sets me off...basically I feel like I am often mad, disappointed, sad etc. when I post and that's not okay.  I rethought about what is inspiring to me and why I felt so uninspired.  The truth is...I am happy.  Truly happy. I made a bold statement in therapy last week and said that I feel the best I have since leaving treatment.  I am going to be even bolder with you and say I feel the best I have since as long as I can remember.  I was meant to be a mom.  Sure, there have been times where I don't know what the heck I'm doing..but let's be honest, does anyone really know?  Giuliana is by far the best audience I have.  She laughs at nearly everything I do, she doesn't get mad when I sing (like some people...I'm looking at you Stefan), she makes me ...

'I speak, because I need to be reminded of these truths' - Jedidiah Jenkins This has been on my heart lately.  It's something that I have been hearing and reading a lot about everywhere, and I feel like it is the universe's way of saying, 'This is what you need to write about'.  I've written many times about how I have lost sight of who I truly was when I was deep in my eating disorder and how I still struggle to find the real Tracy.  So, if you are sick of me babbling on about this, you should probably stop reading.  If you think I may have some helpful insight, carry on my friend. I recently started back doing programming at work, and it's been the best!  I love working with kids and I really feel like I have a strength in building relationships with kids of all ages.  I had a conversation with a little girl and I asked her what her favorite color, how old she was...you know, the basics.  When I asked her if she had a favorite animal, she starte...

I was inspired today by a close friend of mine.  It was something she posted on Instagram, a quote, a game-changer.  The quote said, "...the question isn't so much, 'Are you parenting the right way?' as it is 'Are you the adult that you want your child to grow up to be?'"  The only comment I could make was, "Wow".  I haven't read something that deep and true in a long time.  Being a new mom ,it really struck a cord with me. Prior to being a parent, I felt like it was easy to say, "If I was a mom I'd do [insert something parent related here]" or "I'm not going to let my child do XY&Z"...and then you become a parent and everything you thought you had figured out is out the window.  Parenting is easily the hardest and most gratifying thing I have ever done.  I have done hard things before and I have felt rewarded in life, but never at the same time...until now.  Before you roll your eyes, I understand that I h...

    The first thing we ever know in this world is love.  We are taken care of from the moment we are born, and greeted with cuddles, kisses and hugs from so many people, the love is endless.  When is it that we become corrupted by the outside world and learn how much greed and dislike there is...where does all of the love go?  I refuse to get political, but it breaks my heart that many people view others by titles: democrats, republicans, gay, straight, etc.  Why does it matter?  We are all human beings who want to see the world grow and prosper and live life to the fullest...I've never seen so much hate and I worry about the future for my daughter. Dearest Giuliana, Be YOU-tiful Everyday I tell you, 'You are smart, you are strong and you are beautiful.  Do not ever let anyone convince you otherwise.'  I sit with you each day and talk about our daily plans, latest news, or just life.  Now that you can intentionally smile...

I remember upon leaving treatment I felt liberated.  When you are focusing on yourself, and only yourself for, in my case for 57 days, you are bound to discover/rediscover things about yourself.  I had never been so sure of myself than I did once I got back home from Arizona.  Somewhere along the way I lost sight of who I was, and with that, whatever confidence I had, had dwindled down to nothing.   At my most recent therapy session there was a brief discussion about being confident and how we are drawn to people who are confident (as long as they aren't cocky).  Since that appointment, I have tried to walk a little taller and find something each day that I like about myself.   Now, I have certainly had days where I simply was too preoccupied to do such tasks...aka I'm making excuses.  I certainly have had 1 spare minute of the day to think about something I like about myself, I just merely didn't do it.  Despite not bei...