10 Year Challenge

The hottest thing the past week or so seems to be the 10 year challenge: how hard did aging hit you.  I chose not to take part in this challenge just because I simply didn't want to.  I did, however, go back and look at the picture from more than 10 years ago...one of my first ever Facebook pictures.  What did I see? A girl dressed in all pink, who looks like she was 16, smiling.  If I showed you a picture of myself today, you would see the same thing, except maybe now I could pass for 18.  Some people age gracefully, while some others don't, but what does that represent besides another comparison?  You cannot look at someone-else's picture and know what was going on in their lives at that time; how many of you smile through the pain?  I know I did.  

What I chose to do instead was think about what my life has looked like the past 10 years.  

In the past 10 years I have seen my worst days and my best days.  10+ years ago I was sick.  I was crying out for help but nothing and no one answered.  I had days where I hated myself so much that I couldn't stand to see the person that was looking back at me in the mirror.  I was eating next to nothing, and when I did eat, I would purge. 

I felt such sadness I would self harm in other ways besides my eating disorder.  I was surrounded by so many people yet I was alone in a crowded room.  I had the most amazing boyfriend (and future husband), Stefan, by my side but nothing he said could help me.  I was broken.  Slowly I tried put myself back together.  I reached a life-changing crossroad; either I get help or I could continue down the spiral and hope that I got out alive.  I chose to seek help; I couldn't do this without professional help.  With the support of my loved ones, friends and Stefan, I got the help I needed.  Nearly two months later I came back home with the tools I needed and a newly discovered Tracy.  

The past three years have been the most challenging.  Trying to stay in recovery has been a difficult road but one that has been worth it.  Almost two years from the day I left treatment, we welcomed our sweet little girl, Giuliana, into the world.  I've combatted negative thoughts, ignorant people, a few slips, and many tears.  There are many days that I am okay but there are still plenty when I am not.  I have the tools I need and the drive to do it.

So, if you want to see a picture of me 10 years ago, go stalk my Facebook.  If you choose to consider where your friends, coworkers and family have been those 10 years, just ask.  If you ask me where I've been I can sum it up, but telling you I saved a life and created life, and I wouldn't change a thing.


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