Piece by Piece

While Thanksgiving is a time when there is a lot of emphasis on being thankful and appreciating what we have in our lives, we should really do this on a daily basis.  I know that I am often guilty of comparing what I have to what others have, wishing I had x, y and z, but I really need to reflect on what I have in my life. In my mind I was never pretty enough, skinny enough, smart enough, a good enough employee, and simply, I was not enough...period.  This mindset led me down a path of self destruction that could have for sure killed me had I not sat back and smelled the roses.  As I enter a new phase of my life, my pregnancy, I have had a poor mindset...one that I feel ashamed to share.  I find myself comparing my pregnant body to others that are/have been pregnant.  I am not doing a good enough job.  I am doing everything wrong.  I look like I am 9 months pregnant...blah blah blah.  In all reality, I need to shut the voice up in my head feeding me these lies, and be grateful f

Since leaving treatment, I have kept in touch with nearly everyone I was in treatment with.  We have maintained contact here and there, one way in particular has been through our Facebook group.  A recent question that was posed was asking if there was any time that we missed being in recovery. One response was a quote from a girl on tumblr who wrote such a beautiful post...one that I could not write with such eloquence and beauty, but one that I found inspiration and thus the reason for this post. So my answer to the question is as gray as can be. Yes and No. I've written the first 10 things that came into my mind: Things that I miss: 1.  No responsibility besides yourself 2.  Equine therapy 3.  Feeling no judgment 4.  Support 5.  The relationships I formed 6.  Terrible table games to make getting through a meal 'easier' 7.  Being vulnerable in therapy sessions, and being okay with that 8.  No cell phone (believe it or not, this was a great thing) 9.  Recei

My mind is racing.  I feel as though I need to write something truly meaningful and poetic. I don't think I can.  I am hurting. I am questioning.  I just need to be real. Hurting... My heart is breaking broken for all of the hate that still exists in the world.  So much hate and disagreement all over the world, and within ourselves.  I have, multiple times, said, 'I hate myself.' Saying that had no meaning to me.  I was numb, and full of disgust with myself I could easily say that and suffer no repercussions.  I hear others say, 'I hate ________' (Insert anything that is fitting) and my heart hurts.  How can you hate someone for things that are surface level.  Then again, how could I have hated myself for not being the weight I wanted when that is something that doesn't really matter. Does so much hate exist in the world, because we don't know how to truly love?  Does love start with the self?  For me I have always loved.  Perhaps a little too much at

This post may be a little too much information (TMI) for some of you, so if you feel unnerved by this disclaimer please feel free to stop reading when you arrive at the *WARNING* As a person that has struggled with an eating disorder for over 10 years now, I’ve struggled with having a body that functions as it should.  The effects of an eating disorder can be seen on the outside, but the interior effects are also present, and extremely hazardous to the person whom is struggling.  These are things that the outside world cannot see. Memory loss, trouble with bowel movements, trouble sleeping, feelings of fatigue, brittle nails, hair loss, etc.  One thing that is specific to a woman is the loss of menstruation. *WARNING:  THIS IS WHERE THE TMI COMES INTO PLAY* I remember when I got my first visit from my monthly friend. It wasn’t a moment of happiness, it was like, ‘Well, crap.  I guess I’m a woman.’  Since that first time, I never really had a consistent cycle.  I finally w

I recently watched the Netflix documentary, Embrace, and feel so inspired.  If you have never heard of the film, I will give you a brief synopsis.  Five years ago, Taryn Brumfitt, hit the social media network hard with a before and after body post.  It was not a typical before and after we are used to seeing on social media.  Taryn posted a before photo of her body building body, side by side to her post children body, sharing a message of loving and embracing your body. The documentary follows Taryn as she travels to talk to women of all different shapes, sizes, ethnicity and ages to discuss body image.  The end message, embrace your body as it is. https://media4.s-nbcnews.com/j/newscms/2015_19/526481/taryn-brumfitt-image_05c57715545da1ac93abb959899947bb.today-inline-large.jpg In my 30 years of living I've spent less than 1/3 even liking my body.  In fact I've spent most of it being so consumed with how to obtain the perfect body, I wasn't really even living.  Wha

So many ideas are running around and I cannot nail one down...so here is a list of things (in no particular order) that I am thinking. 1.  We live in a society that teaches us to suppress our emotions.  When people decide to break the mold and express themselves, they are greeted with discomfort and a change of subject.  Don't stress this.  Express yourself.  I'm all for any awkward interaction.   2.  We need to be selfish in this life.  At the end of the day, we have ourselves.  Sure, we are surrounded by people that love and care about us, but you are your number one.  Do something for yourself everyday.  Take care of yourself, be kind to yourself and give yourself grace.  3.  Fueling your body, fuels ambition.  When I am deep in my eating disorder, my main goal in life is to get through the day. I put all of my focus on restricting or purging.  When I am successful at one or both I feel accomplished.  I go to bed, sigh with relief that I did it, and wait to start

Size doesn't matter...you CAN have an eating disorder without looking sick. This post is for all of the other girls and guys you are in recovery from an eating disorder, who are in need of gaining weight.  This post is for all of the friends and family in our lives who are interested in better understanding what this is like.   WARNING (this may be too much information a.k.a. TMI):  For a girl with an eating disorder you stop having your monthly friend.  Your hormones are all out of whack and when you are not at a healthy weight, you will not menstruate.  As a person with an eating disorder, male or female, you may suffer from issues with bowel movements, memory, fatigue...etc. When I entered treatment I was terrified.  I knew I needed to get better, but I didn't necessarily want to.  Being required to follow a meal plan that involved 3 meals and 3 snacks seemed absolutely absurd.  If you didn't eat 100% of all of these things, you were offered the opportunity to drin

Well, it's been a year ago exactly that I came home from treatment.  I spent 57 days isolated from most of the world to focus on treatment, primarily for an eating disorder.  Being that it has been a year, I wanted to write something, anything, to commemorate my time in treatment and my recovery process thereafter.  I feel like I have so many thoughts and feelings right now that this may not make any sense, but I do hope you feel enlightened to read it. My stay in treatment felt like forever, and yet, there are many days I miss it.  I've never in my life been surrounded by people feeling the same feelings, having the same thoughts, and hoping to overcome all at the same time.  I've never had so much time to reflect on my past, what got me to the point of needing treatment, and figuring out who I am and who I want to be.  It is hard in everyday life to find moments of solitude to appreciate yourself, and really nourish yourself.  It's incredibly important to take care

I find that we all put so much pressure on ourselves.  Pressure in so many facets; to be the best employee, parent, student, have the most likes, be the best dressed, have the best hair, be the toughest man, the most ladylike woman, the strong one, the pretty one, or just needing to be noticed.  We often feel the pressure to be perfect.   Society has ingrained such high expectations of us as humans, and if we fall short of these expectations, are we failures?  If I don't fit the mold of what makes a 'woman' or a 'man', am I any less of a man/woman?  If I make a mistake on the job, does that make me incompetent?  If I have a stain on a shirt, am I a slob?  If I eat that doughnut, is it going right to my hips?  If I speak up, and I'm a woman, am I bitch? It pains me when I see a world surrounded by unrealistic expectations of a 'good body', fabricated or exaggerated stories to make us feel worthless,  What if we all just were ourselves, what i

I am truly grateful for a special someone who inspired me to write this post.  After discovering my recent struggles, she encouraged me to use my outlet of writing to express myself. She also inspired the title of this post.  Thanks friend...you know who you are <3 I've been avoiding writing this post because it is going to be filled with a lot of negativity... but it is also true that life is difficult and it's not always rainbows and butterflies. So here we go.. Control.  It's something that I'm slowly learning to let go of, but there is still a large part of me that wants control.  When I don't have control of things around me, I begin to control what I can. In my case, my eating disorder and my trichtotillomania. TIME OUT (Zach Morris anyone?):  For those of you who do not know what 'trich' is...here is a brief understanding: Trichtotillomania is the urge to pull ones' hair out. TIME IN:  So, the past month I have been resorting to using

I've always heard the saying, 'Distance makes the heart grow fonder,' and I never truly appreciated it as much as I do now.  Stefan and I had a 'long-distance' relationship for about 5 years.  We were lucky enough to be only about 3 1/2 hours away from each other.  In all reality, we could have seen each other as often as our schedules would allow...and Stefan did just that.  Despite our opportunities to see one another, I cried like a baby every time we had to say goodbye.  I hated it.  Stefan would always be so optimistic saying that the time we spent apart would make the time together so much better.  I hated that too.  I would continue to cry and blow him off.  Ugh, what did he know? Well, as a grown adult (although, sometimes I don't act like one) I realize he knew a lot more than I thought. We get to see each other every day, something that I take for granted.  We have fallen into a routine ... we work, we come home, talk about our day, eat dinner

Hi, my name is People Pleaser....it's nice to meet you. Anyone else out there a people pleaser?  Come on, I know I'm not the only one.  You're either reading this because you are a people pleaser, or reading it to appease me...like I said you're a people pleaser ;) When I first started my journey in recovery I had a lot of time to spend with me, myself and I. In the past, this was something that even the thought of repulsed me.  Sure, I enjoyed having alone time to read, nap, clean or relax, but I never spent time with myself.  This may sound weird, but have you ever really spent time getting to know yourself?  I am not referring to being alone with your thoughts that feed daily anxiety.  I mean truly acquaint yourself to...well...yourself.  Getting to know your likes and dislikes, feelings about certain 'taboo' topics, etc.  By getting reacquainted with Tracy, I spent less time worrying about pleasing others...I really wanted to remain true to myself, and r

The other night I was organizing some photos and I came across a number of photos from when I was a little girl. As I saw these pictures I remembered a chapter that I read in Jenni Schaefer's book, Life without Ed.  The chapter gives an exercise for the reader to try when they are struggling with their eating disorder.  The exercise tells the reader to find a picture of their self when they were little.  After locating a picture, tape it to a mirror that you use often.  Once it is up, she challenges you to try and say the things you say to your present self on a daily basis...more or less it is impossible to do.  I could never look at 'baby Tracy' and call her fat, ugly, stupid etc.  After remembering this exercise, tears filled my eyes and I was inspired.  I do not think I decided to do this photo organization by chance, I think I needed to remember this. This exercise is something that really resonates with me and I think anyone could benefit from it.  I stared a

My heart  mind is full There are tons of things I think about on a daily basis.  Some of these thoughts come to me right as I lay my head down at night. These thoughts keep me awake for much of the night. Many thoughts are irrational and out of my control in that moment. Thoughts include, but are not limited to, what will I wear tomorrow?, I have to go to the store., Did I mail the rent?, Is the garage shut?, Why can't I sleep?, etc. Not only am I haunted by thoughts at night that nearly drive me to insomnia, but I have a bunch that haunt my every waking moment.    Thoughts that pull me out of a conversation.       Thoughts that make my body look present, but my mind is             a million miles away.          Thoughts that I don't know will ever go away. Here are a select few: - I'm sick of following a meal plan. - Will I ever be able to eat like 'normal' people? - When will I be okay with myself? - I wish I was comfortable eating out at a restauran