H8H3RT

My mind is racing.  I feel as though I need to write something truly meaningful and poetic. I don't think I can.  I am hurting. I am questioning.  I just need to be real.

 Hurting...

 My heart is breaking broken for all of the hate that still exists in the world.  So much hate and disagreement all over the world, and within ourselves.  I have, multiple times, said, 'I hate myself.' Saying that had no meaning to me.  I was numb, and full of disgust with myself I could easily say that and suffer no repercussions.  I hear others say, 'I hate ________' (Insert anything that is fitting) and my heart hurts.  How can you hate someone for things that are surface level.  Then again, how could I have hated myself for not being the weight I wanted when that is something that doesn't really matter.

Does so much hate exist in the world, because we don't know how to truly love?  Does love start with the self?  For me I have always loved.  Perhaps a little too much at times.  I have given so much love to others, and nothing to myself.  My love was outward, and am slowly learning to love myself, for all of me, not just parts of me.  I am beginning to see Tracy for the first time, and also, maybe the world for the first time.  I was so self absorbed in hurting myself, physically and emotionally I was blind.

 When things are broken in the world, we need to find peace within ourselves.  If we too are broken, there is nothing left.
Questions...

 'Are we ever truly happy?'  Do we reach a level of self actualization Complete and total happiness?  Sure, we all have moments of happiness, moments that bring us pure joy, and we find ourselves reflecting on those good times.  However, do we ever reach that point of being happy in all facets of our lives.  I know for myself I can answer that question with a simple, 'No'. I'm not being pessimistic, I'm being realist. Can we still love our lives despite the imperfections?  'Yes.'

 Life is hard.  Things happen that are out of our control. Greatness happens, something bad happens. The ebbs and flows of life.

 I want to matter.  I want to impact others.  I want to love and be loved.  I want to be vulnerable yet strong.  I want to open my own business.  I want to be prosperous in all areas of my life.  I want to make so many proud.  I want so much in life, yet I feel guilty all the same.  Are we selfish to want so much?  Or a fool to think we can't?

 Be real...

 I am weak.  I am strong.  I am silly.  I am weird.  I love the color pink...perhaps a little too much.  I work to find the good in everyone...but found so many two faced people in my life, I lose sight of the good.  I try too hard.  I don't try enough.  I am sarcastic, and sometimes people don't understand.  I am broken.  I used to cry all the time...now I only cry in times of death, mistreatment and helplessness.  I used to believe in a lot of things...now I think I only believe in myself.  I think that a smile and a simple hello can make a huge impact.  There are some things I won't apologize for....still I find myself apologizing for things I don't feel I should (just to make others happy).  I steer clear of many 'hot topic' conversations because I want to avoid confrontation.  I think I need to be more assertive in life or I will continue to be taken advantage of.  I say things don't bother me, when they do.  I expect too much of others, and not enough of myself.  Sometimes I take selfies when I feel sexy (see below).







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