Piece by Piece

I am always preaching that it's great to be vulnerable, but the thing I am about to share is terrifying. I've been thinking about it for a few days, and then this morning I was watching a TV show and their main topic for discussion was being vulnerable...so I took that as a sign. I brought this topic up in therapy on Wednesday and my therapist asked, 'Why now? why are you bringing this up today?' She didn't say it to be an asshole, I knew exactly what she meant. I responded, 'It's just been really bad lately, and I don't know how to fix it.' She then reminded me of all the bullshit that's happened the last few months... and I thought touché. In any case, I have struggled with Trichtotillomania for about 16 years. If you are not familiar with the term, Trichtotillomania is, "A disorder that involves recurrent, irresistible urges to pull out body hair." I recall my first urges when I was a Freshman/Sophomore in High Schoo...

How many of you make a New Years resolution and stick to it for a month and then quit? I am so guilty of this. Last year, I said I was going to write a book. I was super confident that I would do it, but when it got to be the summer and I hadn't touched it I realized it wasn't going to happen. While I do believe that there is a book somewhere inside of me, I also recognize that that resolution may have been a little too much for me for that stage of my life. 2019 posed to be a challenging one for me emotionally and socially. People that I am close to have struggled with their health, from chronic pain, to a recent cancer diagnosis. I have given a lot with some relationships and haven't received much in return. I know that I have probably left people feeling this way about me, and for that I am sorry. People come in and out of our lives and the ones that are meant to stay forever will. I ended the year feeling extremely empty and a little broken so for 202...

It's the day after Christmas and I am taking down our decorations.  Typically I will wait until 'Little Christmas' on January 6th, however I am so over this year I am ready to move on. I have said numerous times that it just didn't feel like the holiday season this year and now Thanksgiving and Christmas have come and gone and I am still feeling just as empty.  I told a friend the other day that my spirit is gone, someone stole it from me, and I let it happen. There have been a few times in my life where my kindness has been confused for flirtation.  My kindness let someone sexually harass me in the work place and not get reprimanded because the person I told was my husband, and it was five years after it happened.  I recall thinking it was my fault because maybe my dress was too short.  In the most recent of cases my kindness was taken advantage of, I was manipulated and left to question my own sense of being. I have been a strong advocate of being yourse...

As I laid my head down on my pillow last night, I knew that I made it another day without anyone asking me what I ate.  To my eating disorder brain this is amazing.  I didn't have to tell anyone that I didn't eat, that I skipped most of my needed intake for the day.  The Tracy I've been slowly losing shouted from the depths of my body that something was wrong.  I closed my eyes and listened to the white noise of our air purifier, felt the softness of my sheets, and the rapid beating of my heart.  Another anxiety attack?  No, this was a different kind of racing, it was the racing I have felt before when my heart was doing too much work.  I literally thought, I could be having a heart attack.  I tossed and turned 90% of the night and when I did sleep, I dreamt of all the things I do wrong...all the imperfections I have; the imperfect person I am. For weeks now I have been walking a slippery slope in recovery.  My anxiety has increased, my att...

The hottest thing the past week or so seems to be the 10 year challenge: how hard did aging hit you.  I chose not to take part in this challenge just because I simply didn't want to.  I did, however, go back and look at the picture from more than 10 years ago...one of my first ever Facebook pictures.  What did I see? A girl dressed in all pink, who looks like she was 16, smiling.  If I showed you a picture of myself today, you would see the same thing, except maybe now I could pass for 18.  Some people age gracefully, while some others don't, but what does that represent besides another comparison?  You cannot look at someone-else's picture and know what was going on in their lives at that time; how many of you smile through the pain?  I know I did.   What I chose to do instead was think about what my life has looked like the past 10 years.   In the past 10 years I have seen my worst days and my best days.  10+ years ago I was sic...

I sometimes feel like a broken record when I write, but there are some feelings and thoughts that are constant.  One thing I feel like I preach and try to work on is not to worry about what others think...well let me tell you, I realized today that I am not doing well in that area. Last night into day I had a truly debilitating migraine.  I was incredibly ill and I felt horrible.  Still, I made an attempt to go to work because, having been the day after a long holiday weekend, I didn't want my colleagues to think I was just extending my weekend.  I didn't think about how it was hard to even walk.  I immediately thought, I don't want them to think poorly of me...yes, I am a freak.  I ended up being at work for a grand total of 15 minutes before leaving and sleeping five hours.   I then proceeded to think about all of the times I pretend to be "cool" but I am so worried about being seen in a poor light.   Here's the truth; I worry way too much...

It may have taken me 31 years, but I'm finally learning!  Since as far back as I can remember, I have wanted everyone to like me and I needed to be friends with everyone.  I now realize that having these so called 'friends' can be toxic and I am not about that life.   I hear a lot of folks complain about text messaging and why can't people just pick up the phone and call.  The fact of the matter is that people are extremely busy and text messaging can be easier for a busy schedule.  Think about how many people you know with full time jobs, maybe even more than one job, children, pets, hobbies, etc.  Life is busy.  I was the type of person that, up until two weeks ago, has kept EVERY text message.  I would then scroll down and say, 'Oh, I haven't spoke to _____ in a while, let's shoot them a text'.  The conversation would either go on, or I would not get a response.  The latter would gnaw at me.  I would start thinking about w...

Crying.  It's really the first thing we know how to do.  The second we enter the world, we cry.  Crying is a babies only way to communicate his/her needs until they can talk.  Somewhere along the way, the expressiveness of crying changes from a means of communication to being seen as weakness...any sign of emotion is weak? What a crock of crap. How many times have you seen a child fall down, bang their head, and hear the parent/caregiver say, 'Oh, you're fine.'?  I have heard that plenty of times, and I am guilty of saying it myself.  Someone once told me, if you draw attention to it they are going to think they should cry...um, looking back that's just dumb.  I mean, I understand what he said, but for us to imply that a child who falls face first on the cement is fine, we have another thing coming.   Is that where it starts?  A comment like that that makes us start to stuff our feelings?  It's so hard to be vulnerable and expre...

My brain is becoming mush. So here are a bunch of words.  I'm not sure if they make sense.  If they don't, sorry.  If they do, I hope you can relate...yet again I hope you can't...but I'm sure you do. Dare to be different...it's a motto I truly believe in.  Straying away from the majority, dancing to the beat of your own drum etc.  It wasn't until recently that I really feel that I am different...and sometimes different can be lonely. Can you relate?  I thought so.... I think there are times that we all feel a little out of place, trying to figure out why.  I don't think I've ever really fit in easily.  I try really hard for people to like me; sometimes I think my kindness comes off like I'm a fraud, but the fact of the matter is, I truly care about people and love so big...probably to a fault. When I was New York, I had my people, and oh my gosh how I miss you all terribly.  I had my people and I left.  We moved to North Carolin...

'I speak, because I need to be reminded of these truths' - Jedidiah Jenkins This has been on my heart lately.  It's something that I have been hearing and reading a lot about everywhere, and I feel like it is the universe's way of saying, 'This is what you need to write about'.  I've written many times about how I have lost sight of who I truly was when I was deep in my eating disorder and how I still struggle to find the real Tracy.  So, if you are sick of me babbling on about this, you should probably stop reading.  If you think I may have some helpful insight, carry on my friend. I recently started back doing programming at work, and it's been the best!  I love working with kids and I really feel like I have a strength in building relationships with kids of all ages.  I had a conversation with a little girl and I asked her what her favorite color, how old she was...you know, the basics.  When I asked her if she had a favorite animal, she starte...

While Thanksgiving is a time when there is a lot of emphasis on being thankful and appreciating what we have in our lives, we should really do this on a daily basis.  I know that I am often guilty of comparing what I have to what others have, wishing I had x, y and z, but I really need to reflect on what I have in my life. In my mind I was never pretty enough, skinny enough, smart enough, a good enough employee, and simply, I was not enough...period.  This mindset led me down a path of self destruction that could have for sure killed me had I not sat back and smelled the roses.  As I enter a new phase of my life, my pregnancy, I have had a poor mindset...one that I feel ashamed to share.  I find myself comparing my pregnant body to others that are/have been pregnant.  I am not doing a good enough job.  I am doing everything wrong.  I look like I am 9 months pregnant...blah blah blah.  In all reality, I need to shut the voice up in my head f...

I've been lying to you all, and to myself.  A part of me hopes that when I write a blog post about being strong, not worrying about what the scale says, and how great I feel dancing or running that maybe I will believe I am overcoming.  I am not as strong as I make it seem.  Again, I find myself wearing a mask, a comforting tool I've used for at least 10 years now.  A mask that hides who I really am and what I really feel. I've worn this mask for so long I've don't know how to take it off...scratch that, I know how to take it off, I am just scared of what others will see....what I will see.  I have lost my identity and now I am feeling just as lost as ever. I've found myself restricting.  I've found myself hugging the toilet bowl after meals.  I've found myself sleeping too much, and enjoying life too little.  I've once again found myself feeling alone, scared and hopeless. I hope that one day soon I will open my eyes again and get a glimpse o...

Often times we find ourselves saying negative things about ourselves.  A simple example, you may make a mistake and say, 'I'm so stupid'.  Or in a more serious case we may say, 'I am such a screw up, I can't do anything right, I'll never amount to anything.'  No matter how 'minor' or severe, the things we tell ourselves are implanted in our brains and in some cases we start to believe them, whether or not they are true. DISCLAIMER:  They are usually false Suffering from anxiety, depression, and an eating disorder my lies became my truths.  I have a doom or gloom mindset; I think life is never going to get better, so why is it worth living; I am forgettable; I'm fat, ugly, worthless etc. So, what happens when these so called truths become challenged by those around us? Today was my final day in Intensive Outpatient treatment, and before you bid farewell the other patients and staff take the time to say nice things about the departing patient...