Piece by Piece

I am the heaviest weight I have ever been (not counting pregnancy) and I am also the happiest. I don't know if there is a correlation or not, and that doesn't matter; I am truly happy. For years I strived for the 'perfect' body and would do anything to get there, and yet when I would continue to lose weight I was never satisfied. I remember when I was in college and I was getting dinner from one of the restaurants in the campus center, the food service worker told me that I had beautiful eyes and he could tell that I have lived through a lot. What he probably saw was tired eyes, hollow, empty. The irony there was while I had been through a lot at that point in time, I was never truly living. Yes, my heart was beating but I wasn't truly alive. Now here I am, 15 years later, my eyes are beautiful, filled with joy, light and love. Today, I am very rarely hung up on what I eat, or what my body looks like, but rather I am putting my focus on my family and doing my part t...

February 22nd - February 28th is National Eating Disorder Awareness (NEDA) week!  Here are some facts about eating disorders: 1. Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate among all mental illnesses. 2. Eating disorders are not choices, but serious biologically influenced illnesses.  3. Recovery is possible. https://pbs.twimg.com/profile_images/1148232963378864128/_ipS8up5.png At a recent therapy session, I was venting to my therapist about some of the ignorant comments that were said to me only a few days earlier. She gave me a great analogy about diet culture that really stuck with me. She said, 'diet culture is all around us; it's like people are fish swimming in the ocean and the water is diet culture. It's always there and we are surrounded by it." She really hit the nail on the head. I don't think I can go a single day without hearing someone, whether that be on TV/radio/podcast or in person, talking about eating 'healthy', weight gain/loss, goo...

Who would have thought 11 months ago that we would be where we are today. I rang in the New Year eating delicious food, drinking spiked hot chocolate and seeing an amazing light display with a dear friend. As many folks did, I had high hopes for 2020.  Unfortunately, this year has quite possibly been the worst year I've had in a long time, possibly ever. From the world living through a pandemic and the emotional toll that has had, witnessing pure hatred in our very own country, to a more personal struggle relapsing with both my eating disorder and trichotillomania and losing my father to cancer, this year was emotionally and mentally exhausting. Now this is not a post for a pity party, this is a post about perspective and seeing the good in the bad. Take-aways from 2020 As I have expressed in my most recent post, my dad was a good man, who of course had his faults as we all do, but he lived life to the best of his ability and gave what he could when he could. He was also suffering....

This has been a difficult time for all of us and the impact of COVID-19 is having a different effect on each and everyone of us. For me, I have struggled with an increase in depression and anxiety. Like most of you I have had highs and lows and I am working to create and then maintain a sense of inner-peace.  I enjoy meditation and I believe that meditating on a near-regular basis while pregnant with Bean is the reason that not only did I have a great pregnancy but also why she will take deep breaths with me when she is having a tough time. I also believe that implementing it on a more regular basis these days and beyond will help provide me with a sense of peace. Not everything works for everyone but I highly recommend Headspace if you are interested in getting started. Right now, any health care worker and educators, I believe, are getting free membership to the app until the end of the year.  I am obviously a reader and have been reading quite a bit more these days...

I have referred to the 'highlight reel' before. For those of you who haven't heard this term before, it is used to refer to pictures that people post on social media; everyone shows their highlight reel, but there is always more to the story...more to their story. Stefan and I recently went on a trip to Charleston to celebrate our wedding anniversary. We had a fabulous time on the beach, eating great food and enjoying some adult beverages. It was also comforting to know that Bean was in great hands with Stefan's parents. A minor digression, anyone who has kids, I cannot stress enough the importance of getting some time away just you and your significant other. It is not only healthy for you as a couple, but it is healthy for your child(ren) as well. In any case we had a great time, I took some great pictures, but as with most pictures there is more to the story. On our second night in Charleston we went to this fabulous bar. We were having a great time...

It's the day after Christmas and I am taking down our decorations.  Typically I will wait until 'Little Christmas' on January 6th, however I am so over this year I am ready to move on. I have said numerous times that it just didn't feel like the holiday season this year and now Thanksgiving and Christmas have come and gone and I am still feeling just as empty.  I told a friend the other day that my spirit is gone, someone stole it from me, and I let it happen. There have been a few times in my life where my kindness has been confused for flirtation.  My kindness let someone sexually harass me in the work place and not get reprimanded because the person I told was my husband, and it was five years after it happened.  I recall thinking it was my fault because maybe my dress was too short.  In the most recent of cases my kindness was taken advantage of, I was manipulated and left to question my own sense of being. I have been a strong advocate of being yourse...

If I posted the pictures that I took of Bean today, one would think that we had the best day ever and I have such a sweet baby.  Here is the truth, today was hard, and Bean can be sweet when she wants to be.  Today wasn't one of those days (for the most part).  A day like today prompted crying, a timeout and a beer...all of those were for me.  Very few people prepare you for what it's really going to be like to be a mom, and then boom you're living it. I almost had a complete breakdown while driving today as my child screamed in the backseat.  I knew the only thing I could do was reach out to one of my best friends to help me out.  Very rarely do people tell the world of social media how much of a hot mess their child was that day but I knew that my friend would keep it real for me.  When you are out in public and your child pitches a fit for no good reason (at least not to you) and other people stare and make comments, it makes you feel like there ...

I think I've been a codependent for most of my life, only I didn't know what it was until I met my first therapist.  About nine years ago I had sought out a therapist because of some traumatic experiences I was facing.  It was within the first few sessions when she recommended I read a book called, 'Codependent No More' by Melodie Beattie.  I had never heard of the term before, and if I had, I simply ignored it not thinking it had anything to do with me.  I remember reading the book and thinking, 'Oh my gosh, this is my life.'  It's been a 'diagnosis' that I forget about until I have a breaking moment and I remember.   I was recently listening to the podcast, Work in Progress by Sophia Bush, where she had comedian Whitney Cummings as her guest.  On the podcast they touched on a number of subjects, with codependence being one of them.  Cummings did a great job in explaining what being codependent means, especially in ways I found relatable. ...

Well, we did it.  Tuesday marked one year that Bean's been in daycare and one year back to work for me.  I didn't really make much of it but my friend high fives me (my favorite) and says, 'Way to go, that's huge!'  The more I thought about it the more I realized that it really was a big deal.  Being a mom is hard.  Being a stay at home mom is hard.  I can only speak to my experience as a working mom, and damn...it's been hard. Going back to work was something that I wanted to do but also something I had to do.  I felt as though I received some grief from people for going back but the truth is it's not the 90's and money doesn't hold that same value.  First day back I remember one of my fears of having Bean in daycare was that she would begin to think that her teacher was mom since she spent that much more time at school than at home.  I also remember that I didn't cry when I dropped her off on her first day, and for that I felt guil...

I've been feeling the need to write, but haven't had one solid thought.  I've been struggling lately with my depression and anxiety and some days it's really hard to get out of bed and get my shit together, but I do.  I push through and most days I feel accomplished that I did; other days not so much.  I often feel like that commercial where the person is holding up a stick with a smiley face to hide her real feelings.  You can be sure to find me with a smile and a fairly good attitude, and while I am a pretty happy person, much of that can be an act...  I've also been experiencing a lot of frustration in life and to be frank, I'm pissed off at so many things. I'm disappointed in myself.  I am often surrounded by gossip and people talking shit for no good reason.  Instead of choosing to walk away, I listen and sometimes I partake in the conversation.  You don't know what people are going through in their lives, so does talking negatively about...

One of the hardest things that I have struggled with in mommy-hood has been feeding my sweet Beanie girl.  Now, you may be thinking, well breast feeding IS hard.  I'm sure that is true from what I hear, but I did not ever breastfeed.  Go ahead and mommy shame me, I dare you.   Let me digress for a moment.  Before giving birth to Bean, I felt as though I HAD to breastfeed because that's what society makes you think is the right thing.  Now, for anyone who knows me, I am a rule follower and need to be liked, so naturally one would think that I would choose to breastfeed.  But in all honesty the thought of it made me uncomfortable.  I had heard about the struggles that it had caused for many new moms and knowing myself and my anxiety I didn't know if it was something I even wanted to attempt.  Luckily, I spoke to one of my best friends about this prior to giving birth.  She made me feel a million times better and made me feel like ...

Three years ago today, I took my first steps into a new life; a life in recovery.  Soon, Bean will take her first steps.  Just yesterday I was helping my little girl walk across our yard.  Not too long from now she will not need my hands to help her walk; she will be able to walk on her own.  She may initially be scared.  She will fall, she will get a few bumps and bruises along the way, and she may very well cry, but she will no doubt get back up and keep at it.  That sounds like a metaphor for life in general, and I can vouch that those exact things have happened to me over the past three years. Of course I could tell you what I was wearing as I stepped off of the plane into RDU airport, and damn I was a mix of emotions.  I was so excited to see Stefan again, and damn I was terrified.  What if he didn't like how I looked? What if I relapsed? What if I wasn't strong enough to make it?  The first question shouldn't even be a question becaus...

As I laid my head down on my pillow last night, I knew that I made it another day without anyone asking me what I ate.  To my eating disorder brain this is amazing.  I didn't have to tell anyone that I didn't eat, that I skipped most of my needed intake for the day.  The Tracy I've been slowly losing shouted from the depths of my body that something was wrong.  I closed my eyes and listened to the white noise of our air purifier, felt the softness of my sheets, and the rapid beating of my heart.  Another anxiety attack?  No, this was a different kind of racing, it was the racing I have felt before when my heart was doing too much work.  I literally thought, I could be having a heart attack.  I tossed and turned 90% of the night and when I did sleep, I dreamt of all the things I do wrong...all the imperfections I have; the imperfect person I am. For weeks now I have been walking a slippery slope in recovery.  My anxiety has increased, my att...

Today, I waited for my coffee and overheard the conversation of a patron and, whom I presume to be, the owner of the coffee shop.  The conversation hit me hard due to some recent things I do not wish to share at this time.  It really impacted me. The conversation went something along the lines of this ('P' is patron 'C' is for Coffee owner): P - "Did you recognize my kids? They used to come in here all the time with their dad..." C - "..." P - "That's why we are all here, for his funeral." C- "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, what was his name?" P - "Name shared" C - "Do you have a picture of him" Patron pulls out phone, and shares a picture of him. C - "I know exactly who that is, what happened" P - "He took his own life." C - "I'm so sorry." Condolences were shared, then the owner tended to my coffee and I asked if the gentleman was a regular.  He said, ...