The first year
Well, we did it. Tuesday marked one year that Bean's been in daycare and one year back to work for me. I didn't really make much of it but my friend high fives me (my favorite) and says, 'Way to go, that's huge!'
The more I thought about it the more I realized that it really was a big deal. Being a mom is hard. Being a stay at home mom is hard. I can only speak to my experience as a working mom, and damn...it's been hard.
Going back to work was something that I wanted to do but also something I had to do. I felt as though I received some grief from people for going back but the truth is it's not the 90's and money doesn't hold that same value.
First day back
I remember one of my fears of having Bean in daycare was that she would begin to think that her teacher was mom since she spent that much more time at school than at home. I also remember that I didn't cry when I dropped her off on her first day, and for that I felt guilty. I felt that I was a bad mom for not crying. Not only was I leaving my child with strangers but I was starting work at a new library in a new position...damn. When I got to work and opened my email, I had a message from one of my friends and former coworker. Here is what is said:
The Bad
As you know, I work with youth in public libraries and have for about a decade now, which I love. The hard part is being a mom and seeing all of these children come in with their momma's for some library fun. Many days I tear up observing this because I am not doing this on a Monday morning.
There are lots of things that you miss when you are a working parent. The first time that I knew Bean had started crawling was not because I saw it but because her teacher told me. It's hard getting a call from the school because your child fell and cracked her lip open, or that she has a fever but they are keeping her comfortable until I can get there. I want to be the one to snuggle her and comfort her when that happens.
Working the weekends on rotation sucks. Of course it's great for Stefan to spend time with her but I am selfish and want her to myself. After working a weekend, she is truly all about daddy and my guilt only increases.
There are some days when she cries when I drop her off and she reaches for me and I just have to walk away because that's what's 'best'.
There are days where the only time I see her is for the 10-45 minutes in the morning before school.
The Good
Words cannot describe the feeling when you look into the little window of your child's classroom and they scream, an ear piercing scream, and come at you full speed.
There's that old saying, 'distance makes the heart grow fonder', and I really think that's true. I'm sure that the quoted wasn't referring to a baby, however it is still relevant! I believe that being away from her during the day makes the time that we have together at night and on the weekends that much better. I do not take for granted the time I spend with her (I mean I do love a nap now and then), watching her grow and learn, and even cry.
I don't get worked up like I once did when she loses her shit over something like a banana. Instead, I can talk to her calmly and hope she understand the words that are coming out of my mouth.
She is socializing and making friends. When we walk in the school in the morning the teachers, some of whom I don't know, pop their heads out of the classroom and say, "hey giu-giu!" Damn, it's a great feeling to know how loved she is.
Oh and as for my fear about her forgetting who I am well...She will always know who her momma is.
The more I thought about it the more I realized that it really was a big deal. Being a mom is hard. Being a stay at home mom is hard. I can only speak to my experience as a working mom, and damn...it's been hard.
Going back to work was something that I wanted to do but also something I had to do. I felt as though I received some grief from people for going back but the truth is it's not the 90's and money doesn't hold that same value.
First day back
I remember one of my fears of having Bean in daycare was that she would begin to think that her teacher was mom since she spent that much more time at school than at home. I also remember that I didn't cry when I dropped her off on her first day, and for that I felt guilty. I felt that I was a bad mom for not crying. Not only was I leaving my child with strangers but I was starting work at a new library in a new position...damn. When I got to work and opened my email, I had a message from one of my friends and former coworker. Here is what is said:
"Look at you! You did it! You made it to work (hopefully!). You're dressed (hopefully!). Giuliana is dressed (hopefully!).
I hope today goes as well as it possibly can. Be gentle on yourself...the re-entry can be rough....Stare at her pictures and videos whenever you can. Cry if you need to. Treat yourself to a giant cup of coffee--you deserve it! And, really, truly, honestly--it gets better."
That's when I first cried. It was one such a wonderful message to come back to, and it certainly helped make my day better.
The Bad
As you know, I work with youth in public libraries and have for about a decade now, which I love. The hard part is being a mom and seeing all of these children come in with their momma's for some library fun. Many days I tear up observing this because I am not doing this on a Monday morning.
There are lots of things that you miss when you are a working parent. The first time that I knew Bean had started crawling was not because I saw it but because her teacher told me. It's hard getting a call from the school because your child fell and cracked her lip open, or that she has a fever but they are keeping her comfortable until I can get there. I want to be the one to snuggle her and comfort her when that happens.
Working the weekends on rotation sucks. Of course it's great for Stefan to spend time with her but I am selfish and want her to myself. After working a weekend, she is truly all about daddy and my guilt only increases.
There are some days when she cries when I drop her off and she reaches for me and I just have to walk away because that's what's 'best'.
There are days where the only time I see her is for the 10-45 minutes in the morning before school.
The Good
Words cannot describe the feeling when you look into the little window of your child's classroom and they scream, an ear piercing scream, and come at you full speed.
There's that old saying, 'distance makes the heart grow fonder', and I really think that's true. I'm sure that the quoted wasn't referring to a baby, however it is still relevant! I believe that being away from her during the day makes the time that we have together at night and on the weekends that much better. I do not take for granted the time I spend with her (I mean I do love a nap now and then), watching her grow and learn, and even cry.
I don't get worked up like I once did when she loses her shit over something like a banana. Instead, I can talk to her calmly and hope she understand the words that are coming out of my mouth.
She is socializing and making friends. When we walk in the school in the morning the teachers, some of whom I don't know, pop their heads out of the classroom and say, "hey giu-giu!" Damn, it's a great feeling to know how loved she is.
Oh and as for my fear about her forgetting who I am well...She will always know who her momma is.
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| First day of school, August 6th 2019 |
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| August 6th, 2019 |
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