Piece by Piece

At a recent meeting for work we watched a TedTalk called, The Lollipop Moment.  I've been under a rock, and have never actually seen a TedTalk prior to this one, but I was grateful that this was my first.  The speaker, Drew Dudley, began the talk by asking how many people in the audience were comfortable calling themselves a leader?  Very few hands went up...and in my head I was trying to rack my brain for moments that I would say I was a leader.  I thought of a few instances from my youth, from previous jobs and my current career...but the keyword there is few.  I, as we all are, am my own worst critic and I often doubt myself and my strengths.  If I could consider a time I felt like I was a leader, I immediately start talking myself out of it, and how it wasn't really true leadership.   Well, Drew shared his story and truly redefined what being a leader is.  In his story he recalled of the time a girl came up to him, years after their enc...

    The first thing we ever know in this world is love.  We are taken care of from the moment we are born, and greeted with cuddles, kisses and hugs from so many people, the love is endless.  When is it that we become corrupted by the outside world and learn how much greed and dislike there is...where does all of the love go?  I refuse to get political, but it breaks my heart that many people view others by titles: democrats, republicans, gay, straight, etc.  Why does it matter?  We are all human beings who want to see the world grow and prosper and live life to the fullest...I've never seen so much hate and I worry about the future for my daughter. Dearest Giuliana, Be YOU-tiful Everyday I tell you, 'You are smart, you are strong and you are beautiful.  Do not ever let anyone convince you otherwise.'  I sit with you each day and talk about our daily plans, latest news, or just life.  Now that you can intentionally smile...

When I was pregnant, I surprisingly had no trouble eating and gaining weight.  It wasn't about me, I was nurturing our baby.  I needed to be healthy in order to take care of her.  Now that I am no longer pregnant, I still need to be healthy to care of G...so why is it so much harder? I've worked so hard the past few years to battle my eating disorder.  I think that because I am no longer in a residential treatment facility, many people think I am magically cured.  This is not the case.  I am still in treatment and see a professional team on a weekly basis to work towards maintaining my recovery.  I too, for a brief moment, felt as though I was 'cured'.  I could do this thing, I am stronger and better than my eating disorder.  Well, I have been reminded that my recovery is a daily struggle.  Everybody has their struggles in life, and for all of us our struggles are daily.   At my first appointment with my dietitian since giv...

It only feels right to create a new post on my two year anniversary!  Two years ago today, I was boarding a plane to come back home after receiving 56 days of treatment for an eating disorder.  I remember feeling excited to be back home, but nervous as hell to re-acclimate back to society. My main concern and thought was, "What will people think?"....not that much has changed today, being that I am more concerned with what other people think than anything, but I'm a work in progress what can I say?  I wondered how I looked to others.  Where people thought I was.  Did anyone care?  How could I deal with conversations about diet culture?  How could I do this? Well, I can now answer those questions: How I looked? -  I looked happy; I looked like Tracy. Where was she? -   Nobody asked, they mostly expressed their happiness I as back. Did anyone care? - Yes How could I deal with conversations about diet culture?  I'm still working...

I am an emotion stuffer.  I constantly stuff my feelings about many things, and then when I am emotionally full, I will erupt and emotionally vomit all over myself....or Stefan.  I can say that, without a doubt, I have been this way for a really long time.  I don't like expressing my emotions, particularly the bad ones, and when I do, I apologize for them.  I am a really good actress; a majority of the time one would never know that I am in emotional turmoil often...I put on my happy face, stuff, and that is that.   Can you relate to this? I know many people who I have talked to when they are feeling down, frustrated or what have you.  They too apologize for crying, talking about something etc.  I can easily tell them, 'It's okay, you shouldn't apologize for your emotions...if it's how you feel, then feel it.' Why is it so much easier for us to dole out advice than to practice it. Some things that I get emotional about involve my l...

It's been a little while since I've posted.  I've had so many thoughts flooding my mind, but nothing that I couldn't start to write about without getting writers block.  I've been writing in my journal a lot to help with my anxiety and so this post is from a recent journal entry. I recently started seeing a new therapist, something I was adamant about.  I feel like I've shared my story with more than a couple, and each time I've never truly felt like I connected and found any success.  In only my first two meetings with my new therapist I feel like we will make a lot more progress than I have in the past. In my my recent session we finished up my assessment.  At the end of the assessment she asked what my goals were.  In no particular order I said: Self love, improved body image, having a healthy relationship with food, and to work on minimizing my people pleasing/caring so much what others think ( a constant source of anxiety ).  Being that we wer...

Since leaving treatment, I have kept in touch with nearly everyone I was in treatment with.  We have maintained contact here and there, one way in particular has been through our Facebook group.  A recent question that was posed was asking if there was any time that we missed being in recovery. One response was a quote from a girl on tumblr who wrote such a beautiful post...one that I could not write with such eloquence and beauty, but one that I found inspiration and thus the reason for this post. So my answer to the question is as gray as can be. Yes and No. I've written the first 10 things that came into my mind: Things that I miss: 1.  No responsibility besides yourself 2.  Equine therapy 3.  Feeling no judgment 4.  Support 5.  The relationships I formed 6.  Terrible table games to make getting through a meal 'easier' 7.  Being vulnerable in therapy sessions, and being okay with that 8.  No cell phone (believe it or no...

My mind is racing.  I feel as though I need to write something truly meaningful and poetic. I don't think I can.  I am hurting. I am questioning.  I just need to be real. Hurting... My heart is breaking broken for all of the hate that still exists in the world.  So much hate and disagreement all over the world, and within ourselves.  I have, multiple times, said, 'I hate myself.' Saying that had no meaning to me.  I was numb, and full of disgust with myself I could easily say that and suffer no repercussions.  I hear others say, 'I hate ________' (Insert anything that is fitting) and my heart hurts.  How can you hate someone for things that are surface level.  Then again, how could I have hated myself for not being the weight I wanted when that is something that doesn't really matter. Does so much hate exist in the world, because we don't know how to truly love?  Does love start with the self?  For me I have always loved. ...

This post may be a little too much information (TMI) for some of you, so if you feel unnerved by this disclaimer please feel free to stop reading when you arrive at the *WARNING* As a person that has struggled with an eating disorder for over 10 years now, I’ve struggled with having a body that functions as it should.  The effects of an eating disorder can be seen on the outside, but the interior effects are also present, and extremely hazardous to the person whom is struggling.  These are things that the outside world cannot see. Memory loss, trouble with bowel movements, trouble sleeping, feelings of fatigue, brittle nails, hair loss, etc.  One thing that is specific to a woman is the loss of menstruation. *WARNING:  THIS IS WHERE THE TMI COMES INTO PLAY* I remember when I got my first visit from my monthly friend. It wasn’t a moment of happiness, it was like, ‘Well, crap.  I guess I’m a woman.’  Since that first time, I never really had a c...

So many ideas are running around and I cannot nail one down...so here is a list of things (in no particular order) that I am thinking. 1.  We live in a society that teaches us to suppress our emotions.  When people decide to break the mold and express themselves, they are greeted with discomfort and a change of subject.  Don't stress this.  Express yourself.  I'm all for any awkward interaction.   2.  We need to be selfish in this life.  At the end of the day, we have ourselves.  Sure, we are surrounded by people that love and care about us, but you are your number one.  Do something for yourself everyday.  Take care of yourself, be kind to yourself and give yourself grace.  3.  Fueling your body, fuels ambition.  When I am deep in my eating disorder, my main goal in life is to get through the day. I put all of my focus on restricting or purging.  When I am successful at one or both I feel accomplished...

Size doesn't matter...you CAN have an eating disorder without looking sick. This post is for all of the other girls and guys you are in recovery from an eating disorder, who are in need of gaining weight.  This post is for all of the friends and family in our lives who are interested in better understanding what this is like.   WARNING (this may be too much information a.k.a. TMI):  For a girl with an eating disorder you stop having your monthly friend.  Your hormones are all out of whack and when you are not at a healthy weight, you will not menstruate.  As a person with an eating disorder, male or female, you may suffer from issues with bowel movements, memory, fatigue...etc. When I entered treatment I was terrified.  I knew I needed to get better, but I didn't necessarily want to.  Being required to follow a meal plan that involved 3 meals and 3 snacks seemed absolutely absurd.  If you didn't eat 100% of all of these things, you were offe...

Well, it's been a year ago exactly that I came home from treatment.  I spent 57 days isolated from most of the world to focus on treatment, primarily for an eating disorder.  Being that it has been a year, I wanted to write something, anything, to commemorate my time in treatment and my recovery process thereafter.  I feel like I have so many thoughts and feelings right now that this may not make any sense, but I do hope you feel enlightened to read it. My stay in treatment felt like forever, and yet, there are many days I miss it.  I've never in my life been surrounded by people feeling the same feelings, having the same thoughts, and hoping to overcome all at the same time.  I've never had so much time to reflect on my past, what got me to the point of needing treatment, and figuring out who I am and who I want to be.  It is hard in everyday life to find moments of solitude to appreciate yourself, and really nourish yourself.  It's incredibly impor...

I've always heard the saying, 'Distance makes the heart grow fonder,' and I never truly appreciated it as much as I do now.  Stefan and I had a 'long-distance' relationship for about 5 years.  We were lucky enough to be only about 3 1/2 hours away from each other.  In all reality, we could have seen each other as often as our schedules would allow...and Stefan did just that.  Despite our opportunities to see one another, I cried like a baby every time we had to say goodbye.  I hated it.  Stefan would always be so optimistic saying that the time we spent apart would make the time together so much better.  I hated that too.  I would continue to cry and blow him off.  Ugh, what did he know? Well, as a grown adult (although, sometimes I don't act like one) I realize he knew a lot more than I thought. We get to see each other every day, something that I take for granted.  We have fallen into a routine ... we work, we come home, talk ...

Hi, my name is People Pleaser....it's nice to meet you. Anyone else out there a people pleaser?  Come on, I know I'm not the only one.  You're either reading this because you are a people pleaser, or reading it to appease me...like I said you're a people pleaser ;) When I first started my journey in recovery I had a lot of time to spend with me, myself and I. In the past, this was something that even the thought of repulsed me.  Sure, I enjoyed having alone time to read, nap, clean or relax, but I never spent time with myself.  This may sound weird, but have you ever really spent time getting to know yourself?  I am not referring to being alone with your thoughts that feed daily anxiety.  I mean truly acquaint yourself to...well...yourself.  Getting to know your likes and dislikes, feelings about certain 'taboo' topics, etc.  By getting reacquainted with Tracy, I spent less time worrying about pleasing others...I really wanted to remain true t...

My heart  mind is full There are tons of things I think about on a daily basis.  Some of these thoughts come to me right as I lay my head down at night. These thoughts keep me awake for much of the night. Many thoughts are irrational and out of my control in that moment. Thoughts include, but are not limited to, what will I wear tomorrow?, I have to go to the store., Did I mail the rent?, Is the garage shut?, Why can't I sleep?, etc. Not only am I haunted by thoughts at night that nearly drive me to insomnia, but I have a bunch that haunt my every waking moment.    Thoughts that pull me out of a conversation.       Thoughts that make my body look present, but my mind is             a million miles away.          Thoughts that I don't know will ever go away. Here are a select few: - I'm sick of following a meal plan. - Will I ever be able to eat like 'normal' people? - When will I be ok...

Well....2016 is almost over and all I have to say is, 'Good Riddance!'  I think most everyone will agree that we are happy to see 2016 go.  For some reason this past year has been a terrible one for many people.  Social media has erupted with meme's, gifs and videos all declaring that 2016, for lack of better words, sucked. With the conclusion of the year approaching, I like to take some time to reflect on the past year, and as I do so I realize that while it has not been the easiest year personally, I can honestly say that I have learned a lot. We truly never know what someone else is going through:   Often times we walk around with a smile on our face, when inwardly we are feeling low.  This happy exterior is often a shield to protect ourselves from being vulnerable to our emotions and to others.  I think that we as human beings are more alike that we are different.  We all have our 'stuff' to deal with in life; no one is excluded from the...

Everything, every place, every person has a label whether we like it or not.  Labels can be things such as, cheap, tacky, ugly, mean, quirky, smart, scary, dangerous etc.  Most any word can be used to describe a thing, place or person.  Labels are like adjectives; they are descriptive words.  Labels are everywhere.  Have you ever used a hashtag?  Yep that's a label.  Heck, on this blog I can add 'labels', or words, that best describe the blog post so it can reach it's intended or inspired audience.  That's life, we can sit there and preach how we are such a good person, but we are all using these 'labels' in some way, shape or form in our daily lives.   I have fallen victim many times to labeling people, locations etc.  and have been labeled by others. You can judge me all me want, call me all sorts of names, and yes it will bother me, but I will get over it...eventually.  One label, however, I have not separated myself from is a ...