The Struggle is Real
When I was pregnant, I surprisingly had no trouble eating and gaining weight. It wasn't about me, I was nurturing our baby. I needed to be healthy in order to take care of her. Now that I am no longer pregnant, I still need to be healthy to care of G...so why is it so much harder?
I've worked so hard the past few years to battle my eating disorder. I think that because I am no longer in a residential treatment facility, many people think I am magically cured. This is not the case. I am still in treatment and see a professional team on a weekly basis to work towards maintaining my recovery. I too, for a brief moment, felt as though I was 'cured'. I could do this thing, I am stronger and better than my eating disorder. Well, I have been reminded that my recovery is a daily struggle. Everybody has their struggles in life, and for all of us our struggles are daily.
At my first appointment with my dietitian since giving birth, I was given some news that was unexpected. I am never told what my weight is when I have these appointments, but I was told that I was already back to my pre-pregnancy weight. In a matter of 3 weeks I had lost a lot of weight; I was told by my therapist, dietitian, and husband, 'I'm worried about you.' *Please note that my dietitian has my best interest in mind, and sharing this information with me is to show how serious my spiral is* After hearing this, my wise/rational mind was worried about me too, but my eating disorder is proud of me...I wasn't even trying to lose weight. I was simply anxious, a little depressed, and caring for my G. I took the focus off of myself, and in doing so, began to lose sight of my recovery.
My anxiety/depression is getting under control; and in this game of whack a mole I hope this does not spiral my eating disorder even more.
Of course I want to be healthy and maintain my recovery. I want more than anything to be able to eat what I want, when I want it and not second guess myself. I don't want Giuliana growing up seeing my relationship with food. I don't want to push my issues on her. Unfortunately, I have already begun to worry about feeding her too much, her gaining too much weight, not feeding her enough, and her not growing at the rate she should. I also hear the ignorant comments from people and I don't want them to get in my head too much and make more of a negative impact.
I was given the book suggestion of, 'Child of Mine: Feeding with Love and Good Sense' by Ellyn Satter. I believe that by reading this book and practicing the guidelines I can provide a healthy relationship between G and food. To date, I have learned that babies are very intuitive. They are smarter than we are and know what they need to grow at the rate that they need to.
As Giuliana's providers, all Stefan and I are responsible for are the where, what and when, while G is responsible for how much and whether of eating (Division of Responsibility). She knows her body so well that she will stop when she is full and cry when she's hungry. It sounds so simple, yet I still struggle. I will continue to read and focus of this division of responsibility and work to create a healthy environment and relationship with G and her food.
I can only hope that in time my struggles will continue to get better. If I don't work to take care of myself, how can I care for Giuliana? Each day is a new beginning and all I can do is wake up and make the next right choice. Being the best Tracy I can be will in turn make me the best mommy I can be and the best wifey I can be.
I've worked so hard the past few years to battle my eating disorder. I think that because I am no longer in a residential treatment facility, many people think I am magically cured. This is not the case. I am still in treatment and see a professional team on a weekly basis to work towards maintaining my recovery. I too, for a brief moment, felt as though I was 'cured'. I could do this thing, I am stronger and better than my eating disorder. Well, I have been reminded that my recovery is a daily struggle. Everybody has their struggles in life, and for all of us our struggles are daily.
At my first appointment with my dietitian since giving birth, I was given some news that was unexpected. I am never told what my weight is when I have these appointments, but I was told that I was already back to my pre-pregnancy weight. In a matter of 3 weeks I had lost a lot of weight; I was told by my therapist, dietitian, and husband, 'I'm worried about you.' *Please note that my dietitian has my best interest in mind, and sharing this information with me is to show how serious my spiral is* After hearing this, my wise/rational mind was worried about me too, but my eating disorder is proud of me...I wasn't even trying to lose weight. I was simply anxious, a little depressed, and caring for my G. I took the focus off of myself, and in doing so, began to lose sight of my recovery.
My anxiety/depression is getting under control; and in this game of whack a mole I hope this does not spiral my eating disorder even more.
Of course I want to be healthy and maintain my recovery. I want more than anything to be able to eat what I want, when I want it and not second guess myself. I don't want Giuliana growing up seeing my relationship with food. I don't want to push my issues on her. Unfortunately, I have already begun to worry about feeding her too much, her gaining too much weight, not feeding her enough, and her not growing at the rate she should. I also hear the ignorant comments from people and I don't want them to get in my head too much and make more of a negative impact.
I was given the book suggestion of, 'Child of Mine: Feeding with Love and Good Sense' by Ellyn Satter. I believe that by reading this book and practicing the guidelines I can provide a healthy relationship between G and food. To date, I have learned that babies are very intuitive. They are smarter than we are and know what they need to grow at the rate that they need to.
As Giuliana's providers, all Stefan and I are responsible for are the where, what and when, while G is responsible for how much and whether of eating (Division of Responsibility). She knows her body so well that she will stop when she is full and cry when she's hungry. It sounds so simple, yet I still struggle. I will continue to read and focus of this division of responsibility and work to create a healthy environment and relationship with G and her food.
I can only hope that in time my struggles will continue to get better. If I don't work to take care of myself, how can I care for Giuliana? Each day is a new beginning and all I can do is wake up and make the next right choice. Being the best Tracy I can be will in turn make me the best mommy I can be and the best wifey I can be.
Comments
Post a Comment