Piece by Piece

I am the heaviest weight I have ever been (not counting pregnancy) and I am also the happiest. I don't know if there is a correlation or not, and that doesn't matter; I am truly happy. For years I strived for the 'perfect' body and would do anything to get there, and yet when I would continue to lose weight I was never satisfied. I remember when I was in college and I was getting dinner from one of the restaurants in the campus center, the food service worker told me that I had beautiful eyes and he could tell that I have lived through a lot. What he probably saw was tired eyes, hollow, empty. The irony there was while I had been through a lot at that point in time, I was never truly living. Yes, my heart was beating but I wasn't truly alive. Now here I am, 15 years later, my eyes are beautiful, filled with joy, light and love. Today, I am very rarely hung up on what I eat, or what my body looks like, but rather I am putting my focus on my family and doing my part t...

Who would have thought 11 months ago that we would be where we are today. I rang in the New Year eating delicious food, drinking spiked hot chocolate and seeing an amazing light display with a dear friend. As many folks did, I had high hopes for 2020.  Unfortunately, this year has quite possibly been the worst year I've had in a long time, possibly ever. From the world living through a pandemic and the emotional toll that has had, witnessing pure hatred in our very own country, to a more personal struggle relapsing with both my eating disorder and trichotillomania and losing my father to cancer, this year was emotionally and mentally exhausting. Now this is not a post for a pity party, this is a post about perspective and seeing the good in the bad. Take-aways from 2020 As I have expressed in my most recent post, my dad was a good man, who of course had his faults as we all do, but he lived life to the best of his ability and gave what he could when he could. He was also suffering....

I recently celebrated my four year anniversary in recovery. Recovery is not linear, it's a rough road and as with anything in life, some days are easier than others. Here's the thing I didn't tell you with the celebration of four years; I've been struggling.  Back in February I felt as though I was looking thinner. I remember asking Stefan if I thought I looked like I had lost weight but he didn't notice a change; in his defense he sees me all the time. I shook it off and thought maybe it was in my head. By the time April hit and I missed my period I felt sick. I was emotional and went to Stefan; he suggested I try reaching out to my dietician. I had stopped seeing her last August, because of how well I was doing, but it seemed as though his recommendation was worth pursuing. Long story short I contacted her, set up an appointment and within a few days we had our first appointment in months. Given the current pandemic, I am unable to go to her office so she coul...

This has been a difficult time for all of us and the impact of COVID-19 is having a different effect on each and everyone of us. For me, I have struggled with an increase in depression and anxiety. Like most of you I have had highs and lows and I am working to create and then maintain a sense of inner-peace.  I enjoy meditation and I believe that meditating on a near-regular basis while pregnant with Bean is the reason that not only did I have a great pregnancy but also why she will take deep breaths with me when she is having a tough time. I also believe that implementing it on a more regular basis these days and beyond will help provide me with a sense of peace. Not everything works for everyone but I highly recommend Headspace if you are interested in getting started. Right now, any health care worker and educators, I believe, are getting free membership to the app until the end of the year.  I am obviously a reader and have been reading quite a bit more these days...

I am always preaching that it's great to be vulnerable, but the thing I am about to share is terrifying. I've been thinking about it for a few days, and then this morning I was watching a TV show and their main topic for discussion was being vulnerable...so I took that as a sign. I brought this topic up in therapy on Wednesday and my therapist asked, 'Why now? why are you bringing this up today?' She didn't say it to be an asshole, I knew exactly what she meant. I responded, 'It's just been really bad lately, and I don't know how to fix it.' She then reminded me of all the bullshit that's happened the last few months... and I thought touché. In any case, I have struggled with Trichtotillomania for about 16 years. If you are not familiar with the term, Trichtotillomania is, "A disorder that involves recurrent, irresistible urges to pull out body hair." I recall my first urges when I was a Freshman/Sophomore in High Schoo...

How many of you make a New Years resolution and stick to it for a month and then quit? I am so guilty of this. Last year, I said I was going to write a book. I was super confident that I would do it, but when it got to be the summer and I hadn't touched it I realized it wasn't going to happen. While I do believe that there is a book somewhere inside of me, I also recognize that that resolution may have been a little too much for me for that stage of my life. 2019 posed to be a challenging one for me emotionally and socially. People that I am close to have struggled with their health, from chronic pain, to a recent cancer diagnosis. I have given a lot with some relationships and haven't received much in return. I know that I have probably left people feeling this way about me, and for that I am sorry. People come in and out of our lives and the ones that are meant to stay forever will. I ended the year feeling extremely empty and a little broken so for 202...

It's the day after Christmas and I am taking down our decorations.  Typically I will wait until 'Little Christmas' on January 6th, however I am so over this year I am ready to move on. I have said numerous times that it just didn't feel like the holiday season this year and now Thanksgiving and Christmas have come and gone and I am still feeling just as empty.  I told a friend the other day that my spirit is gone, someone stole it from me, and I let it happen. There have been a few times in my life where my kindness has been confused for flirtation.  My kindness let someone sexually harass me in the work place and not get reprimanded because the person I told was my husband, and it was five years after it happened.  I recall thinking it was my fault because maybe my dress was too short.  In the most recent of cases my kindness was taken advantage of, I was manipulated and left to question my own sense of being. I have been a strong advocate of being yourse...

This isn't your obligatory Thanksgiving post about how grateful I am for my friends and family...that should happen every day, so if you are posting strictly for the fact that it's Thanksgiving maybe you should consider being more thoughtful every day and not just for a holiday.  Sorry, I'm not sorry. I had a friend ask me the other day, 'Is Thanksgiving hard for you?'.  It took me a second to understand what she meant.  'Well yeah', I thought, holidays are hard in general because of the stigma I have put on them, but then I realized that she was asking if it was hard because of my eating disorder.  I was taken aback by her question because I do not recall anyone ever asking me before.  My response was that it used to be, but this year is different because we are straying home.  She acknowledged the difficulty that the holidays can have on someone who struggles because of all the food and all the people.   For years I felt like people were watch...

If I posted the pictures that I took of Bean today, one would think that we had the best day ever and I have such a sweet baby.  Here is the truth, today was hard, and Bean can be sweet when she wants to be.  Today wasn't one of those days (for the most part).  A day like today prompted crying, a timeout and a beer...all of those were for me.  Very few people prepare you for what it's really going to be like to be a mom, and then boom you're living it. I almost had a complete breakdown while driving today as my child screamed in the backseat.  I knew the only thing I could do was reach out to one of my best friends to help me out.  Very rarely do people tell the world of social media how much of a hot mess their child was that day but I knew that my friend would keep it real for me.  When you are out in public and your child pitches a fit for no good reason (at least not to you) and other people stare and make comments, it makes you feel like there ...

I think I've been a codependent for most of my life, only I didn't know what it was until I met my first therapist.  About nine years ago I had sought out a therapist because of some traumatic experiences I was facing.  It was within the first few sessions when she recommended I read a book called, 'Codependent No More' by Melodie Beattie.  I had never heard of the term before, and if I had, I simply ignored it not thinking it had anything to do with me.  I remember reading the book and thinking, 'Oh my gosh, this is my life.'  It's been a 'diagnosis' that I forget about until I have a breaking moment and I remember.   I was recently listening to the podcast, Work in Progress by Sophia Bush, where she had comedian Whitney Cummings as her guest.  On the podcast they touched on a number of subjects, with codependence being one of them.  Cummings did a great job in explaining what being codependent means, especially in ways I found relatable. ...

I feel very cliche by saying, 'It gets better' but it does.  I recently posted on instagram about how I was in a dark place...however I feel like that was not enough... it is on my heart to share exactly where I was.   I woke up on a Sunday morning and just felt bad.  I have had many mornings like this, I wake up, feel sad, I don't know why I'm feeling like this and I wallow and cry on and off all day.  On this Sunday I was feeling extremely depressed, all I wanted was to snuggle my baby, and all she wanted was 'dada'.  That was the tipping point for me on this particular morning.  The thoughts that proceeded to fill my brain were, 'You suck', 'You're a terrible mom', 'Nobody would notice or care if you were dead'.  I wanted to hurt myself so bad, I truly believed that I was so worthless that no one would notice if I was gone.  In that moment of loud negative voices I heard a little voice that told me to talk about it.  I needed to ...

Well, we did it.  Tuesday marked one year that Bean's been in daycare and one year back to work for me.  I didn't really make much of it but my friend high fives me (my favorite) and says, 'Way to go, that's huge!'  The more I thought about it the more I realized that it really was a big deal.  Being a mom is hard.  Being a stay at home mom is hard.  I can only speak to my experience as a working mom, and damn...it's been hard. Going back to work was something that I wanted to do but also something I had to do.  I felt as though I received some grief from people for going back but the truth is it's not the 90's and money doesn't hold that same value.  First day back I remember one of my fears of having Bean in daycare was that she would begin to think that her teacher was mom since she spent that much more time at school than at home.  I also remember that I didn't cry when I dropped her off on her first day, and for that I felt guil...