Piece by Piece

I am the heaviest weight I have ever been (not counting pregnancy) and I am also the happiest. I don't know if there is a correlation or not, and that doesn't matter; I am truly happy. For years I strived for the 'perfect' body and would do anything to get there, and yet when I would continue to lose weight I was never satisfied. I remember when I was in college and I was getting dinner from one of the restaurants in the campus center, the food service worker told me that I had beautiful eyes and he could tell that I have lived through a lot. What he probably saw was tired eyes, hollow, empty. The irony there was while I had been through a lot at that point in time, I was never truly living. Yes, my heart was beating but I wasn't truly alive. Now here I am, 15 years later, my eyes are beautiful, filled with joy, light and love. Today, I am very rarely hung up on what I eat, or what my body looks like, but rather I am putting my focus on my family and doing my part t...

This isn't your obligatory Thanksgiving post about how grateful I am for my friends and family...that should happen every day, so if you are posting strictly for the fact that it's Thanksgiving maybe you should consider being more thoughtful every day and not just for a holiday.  Sorry, I'm not sorry. I had a friend ask me the other day, 'Is Thanksgiving hard for you?'.  It took me a second to understand what she meant.  'Well yeah', I thought, holidays are hard in general because of the stigma I have put on them, but then I realized that she was asking if it was hard because of my eating disorder.  I was taken aback by her question because I do not recall anyone ever asking me before.  My response was that it used to be, but this year is different because we are straying home.  She acknowledged the difficulty that the holidays can have on someone who struggles because of all the food and all the people.   For years I felt like people were watch...

Our words matter.  What we say to others has an impact; what we say to ourselves has an even bigger impact.  I have found that in my life I am always eager to make sure I am making everybody else happy.  I find myself worried most nights about interactions that I had throughout the day, ‘Did they take what I said the wrong way?’, ‘Why didn’t ___ say hi to me?’ etc.  I know many friends and acquaintances who have expressed the same anxieties. No doubt we need to be kind to others , but we cannot neglect ourselves along the way. The things that we tell ourselves on a daily basis are so important.  I’ve always heard about the power of words but I don’t think I ever truly believed the impact until recently. Before giving birth to Giuliana, I would say everyday how healthy she was and would continue to be, I would also say how a position at a library closer to home would open up and I would get it. All of these things came to be true. Would these things have ...

I was inspired today by a close friend of mine.  It was something she posted on Instagram, a quote, a game-changer.  The quote said, "...the question isn't so much, 'Are you parenting the right way?' as it is 'Are you the adult that you want your child to grow up to be?'"  The only comment I could make was, "Wow".  I haven't read something that deep and true in a long time.  Being a new mom ,it really struck a cord with me. Prior to being a parent, I felt like it was easy to say, "If I was a mom I'd do [insert something parent related here]" or "I'm not going to let my child do XY&Z"...and then you become a parent and everything you thought you had figured out is out the window.  Parenting is easily the hardest and most gratifying thing I have ever done.  I have done hard things before and I have felt rewarded in life, but never at the same time...until now.  Before you roll your eyes, I understand that I h...

I recently watched the Netflix documentary, Embrace, and feel so inspired.  If you have never heard of the film, I will give you a brief synopsis.  Five years ago, Taryn Brumfitt, hit the social media network hard with a before and after body post.  It was not a typical before and after we are used to seeing on social media.  Taryn posted a before photo of her body building body, side by side to her post children body, sharing a message of loving and embracing your body. The documentary follows Taryn as she travels to talk to women of all different shapes, sizes, ethnicity and ages to discuss body image.  The end message, embrace your body as it is. https://media4.s-nbcnews.com/j/newscms/2015_19/526481/taryn-brumfitt-image_05c57715545da1ac93abb959899947bb.today-inline-large.jpg In my 30 years of living I've spent less than 1/3 even liking my body.  In fact I've spent most of it being so consumed with how to obtain the perfect body, I wasn't real...

So many ideas are running around and I cannot nail one down...so here is a list of things (in no particular order) that I am thinking. 1.  We live in a society that teaches us to suppress our emotions.  When people decide to break the mold and express themselves, they are greeted with discomfort and a change of subject.  Don't stress this.  Express yourself.  I'm all for any awkward interaction.   2.  We need to be selfish in this life.  At the end of the day, we have ourselves.  Sure, we are surrounded by people that love and care about us, but you are your number one.  Do something for yourself everyday.  Take care of yourself, be kind to yourself and give yourself grace.  3.  Fueling your body, fuels ambition.  When I am deep in my eating disorder, my main goal in life is to get through the day. I put all of my focus on restricting or purging.  When I am successful at one or both I feel accomplished...

Size doesn't matter...you CAN have an eating disorder without looking sick. This post is for all of the other girls and guys you are in recovery from an eating disorder, who are in need of gaining weight.  This post is for all of the friends and family in our lives who are interested in better understanding what this is like.   WARNING (this may be too much information a.k.a. TMI):  For a girl with an eating disorder you stop having your monthly friend.  Your hormones are all out of whack and when you are not at a healthy weight, you will not menstruate.  As a person with an eating disorder, male or female, you may suffer from issues with bowel movements, memory, fatigue...etc. When I entered treatment I was terrified.  I knew I needed to get better, but I didn't necessarily want to.  Being required to follow a meal plan that involved 3 meals and 3 snacks seemed absolutely absurd.  If you didn't eat 100% of all of these things, you were offe...

Well, it's been a year ago exactly that I came home from treatment.  I spent 57 days isolated from most of the world to focus on treatment, primarily for an eating disorder.  Being that it has been a year, I wanted to write something, anything, to commemorate my time in treatment and my recovery process thereafter.  I feel like I have so many thoughts and feelings right now that this may not make any sense, but I do hope you feel enlightened to read it. My stay in treatment felt like forever, and yet, there are many days I miss it.  I've never in my life been surrounded by people feeling the same feelings, having the same thoughts, and hoping to overcome all at the same time.  I've never had so much time to reflect on my past, what got me to the point of needing treatment, and figuring out who I am and who I want to be.  It is hard in everyday life to find moments of solitude to appreciate yourself, and really nourish yourself.  It's incredibly impor...

I am truly grateful for a special someone who inspired me to write this post.  After discovering my recent struggles, she encouraged me to use my outlet of writing to express myself. She also inspired the title of this post.  Thanks friend...you know who you are <3 I've been avoiding writing this post because it is going to be filled with a lot of negativity... but it is also true that life is difficult and it's not always rainbows and butterflies. So here we go.. Control.  It's something that I'm slowly learning to let go of, but there is still a large part of me that wants control.  When I don't have control of things around me, I begin to control what I can. In my case, my eating disorder and my trichtotillomania. TIME OUT (Zach Morris anyone?):  For those of you who do not know what 'trich' is...here is a brief understanding: Trichtotillomania is the urge to pull ones' hair out. TIME IN:  So, the past month I have been resorting to using...

The other night I was organizing some photos and I came across a number of photos from when I was a little girl. As I saw these pictures I remembered a chapter that I read in Jenni Schaefer's book, Life without Ed.  The chapter gives an exercise for the reader to try when they are struggling with their eating disorder.  The exercise tells the reader to find a picture of their self when they were little.  After locating a picture, tape it to a mirror that you use often.  Once it is up, she challenges you to try and say the things you say to your present self on a daily basis...more or less it is impossible to do.  I could never look at 'baby Tracy' and call her fat, ugly, stupid etc.  After remembering this exercise, tears filled my eyes and I was inspired.  I do not think I decided to do this photo organization by chance, I think I needed to remember this. This exercise is something that really resonates with me and I think anyone could benefit fr...

My heart  mind is full There are tons of things I think about on a daily basis.  Some of these thoughts come to me right as I lay my head down at night. These thoughts keep me awake for much of the night. Many thoughts are irrational and out of my control in that moment. Thoughts include, but are not limited to, what will I wear tomorrow?, I have to go to the store., Did I mail the rent?, Is the garage shut?, Why can't I sleep?, etc. Not only am I haunted by thoughts at night that nearly drive me to insomnia, but I have a bunch that haunt my every waking moment.    Thoughts that pull me out of a conversation.       Thoughts that make my body look present, but my mind is             a million miles away.          Thoughts that I don't know will ever go away. Here are a select few: - I'm sick of following a meal plan. - Will I ever be able to eat like 'normal' people? - When will I be ok...

I wish I could explain the feeling I get when it happens.  I wish I could describe the exact moment it happens and what goes through my head.  Below is my best attempt. There are times, especially around the holidays, when we are presented with lots of parties, and lots of food and festivities.  For someone with an eating disorder it's extremely difficult to be in the same room at these events.  Last year I did my best to avoid them all together.  I was too busy to attend the party, or if I felt as though I had no choice in the matter, I would pull apart my food to make it appeared as though I had eaten.  This year, I stayed in the room.  The first party of the season.  I stayed, I grew anxious, I picked, not ate, I left, I cried.  I cried because I felt like a failure.  I cried because I let Ed win.  He got in my head and caused me to restrict.   For some reason I have not been able to find a happy medium at parties, ...

Greetings world. I've struggled the past few days.  At a time when I felt like, 'Man, I got this.' I struggled, and I let myself down.  For once I am not worried about letting someone else down, and I'm sad because I let myself down.  When I let myself down, I beat myself up.  My eating disorder (Ed) becomes louder and encourages the thoughts of, 'I'm a disappointment', 'a failure,' 'I can't do this,' 'life is better with an eating disorder.'  It's when this voice becomes so loud I need to do my best to shut it out, negate what he's saying, strive to prove him wrong.   Yesterday was this kind of day.  I look around in moments of weakness and see the 'lucky ones'.  The ones that are thin,  the girls that don't eat much (just enough to say they did), the ones who choose coffee/caffeine over food to suppress the appetite, they are so much prettier than I am.   "And they tell you that you’re lucky. But ...

I just got out of a great session with my therapist and it has sparked a fire inside of me. One thing that I love about going to see my therapist is that I have an unbiased party to speak to and we never know where the conversation is going to go.  Today, we got a little off topic from my initial discussion, but it has opened my eyes.   I am in a place where I am starting to care less and less about what people think. However, I do still make a lot of decisions based on how others will perceive my decision....it's exhausting, and I'm getting sick of it.  Why should I let other people's perspectives and opinions change the way I live my life. There have been a few stories I recalled that I remember people, strangers and acquaintances, who have made snarky comments about me both to my face and behind my back.  To the comments that were made to my face about not valuing my opinion or being too 'nice'...you're ballsy, and also smart, because you knew I wouldn...

There you were just sitting there.  Staring at me.  Calling my name, enticing me.  'Shut up, I can't', I say.   But you were insistent, 'It'll be fine.  You will go to the gym and you'll feel better about it.'   'No, I can't. I want to, but I'm scared, and going to the gym will not help.  Trust me I WANT to, but he won't let me.' What you just read is a conversation that I have in my head.  I used to have this conversation hourly, then daily, but now it's only every so often.  And the subject of the conversation does vary, today it was with a cookie.  A glorious sugar cookie with frosting and sprinkles was my enemy today.  I hated every second.  All I wanted was to eat that freaking cookie, and I didn't...why? because my eating disorder was shouting loud today telling me I couldn't, and I obeyed.   What's the worse that would have happened?  I would have felt guilty for a while, but I would have enjoyed every...

I've been struggling a lot lately. I've been going in a downward spiral for a few weeks, and have definitely recognized a difference in my body and mindset.  I've taken one 'bad' thing and turned everything into one big bowl of negativity.  Being aware of my transgressions in my recovery I was eager to get to my therapy session.  It's so much easier venting and talking openly with an unbiased 3rd party.  It's a judgement free environment in which I can spill my guts and receive some awesome advice...I love my LCSW.  I always leave each session feeling great about life, feeling inner strength and feel ready to take on the world.   I was very emotional and my session yesterday because I haven't been expressing my struggles or stress with anyone, that it all exploded.  [Note to self, don't bottle up, open up] I often speak poorly of myself.  I find everything wrong with me, never feel like I am good enough, never believe I deserve anything good,...

My heart began to race as my mind was flooding with images of the past.  There I was, another sleepless night, wide awake, reflecting on some memories.  The setting this time was the apartment we lived in our senior year of college.  I thought, that was eight years ago...where did the time go.  At that moment, my anxiety began to surface.  This particular memory led me to think about how quickly time goes by and about how precious our time here on earth is.  We truly do not know when our life is going to end.  We do not know where we will end up, we just walk out on faith and hope for the best.  I also developed feelings of guilt; I've made such great memories over the course of my life, and for 1/3 of my life I let my negative feelings dictate my time here. I've been surrounded by tragedy in the last few months, both personally, affecting people I love and mentally, by the media.  There are so many horrible things that are occurring in t...

I feel as though I have been strong for so long.  I feel as though I've made huge progress in my recovery so far.  I feel as though I am falling down. Something I've always done is put on a smile and portrayed a happy carefree woman.  The truth is for much of my life that was a mask to hide what was really going on, the anxiety, the depression, the feelings of not being good enough, the eating disorder.  Only until the past few months I've taken off that mask and have been true to who I am as a person, not fearing what others will think of me and living as openly and honestly as I can.   I've been so strong, it was only a matter of time before I would start to fall. Yesterday I began to fall.  I restricted.  I called myself a loser.  I completely broke down on the couch. I had a 'why me, why us?' moment.  That feeling carried on into today.  I feel sad and broken.  I'm a walking zombie.  As I write this I realize I have t...

A wise man once said, 'I am what I am, and that's all that I am'.  Yes, by wise man I mean a fictional character who dined on spinach while chewing on a pipe.  Maybe not the most authoritative visionary, but that quote is simple and filled with insight. I have mentioned in my previous posts that being in recovery I have begun to peel some of my layers back and am getting to know myself more and more each day.  Although, I am starting to know myself, I have been surrounded by friends and loved ones that have known who I am for a long while.  I especially want to focus on my friends...let's be honest here, more often than not our family will be there for us because we are just that, family.  Friends, however, can leave if they choose to. I have been extremely blessed to have a lot of friends in my life with whom I know I can confide in anywhere, anytime, any place.  The group of people that I call friends aren't my friends because of anything artificial, ...

I recently came across an article that has inspired this blog post. Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD) is defined by the Anxiety and Depression Association of Americas as, "BDD is a body-image disorder characterized by persistent and intrusive preoccupations with an imagined or slight defect in one's appearance." This does not refer to the fact that most of us have one thing we would like to change about our appearance.  For instance I've always wanted breast implants, because I am unsatisfied and self conscious with the rack I've got.  Some other people may want a nose job or a face lift or something else.  Having BDD is being so preoccupied with one 'flaw' that emotional distress occurs.  Folks that suffer with BDD do not see parts of their body accurately.  I thought that maybe I suffered from Body Dysmorphia, but wasn't sure.  My future therapist in treatment declared that I did in fact suffer from BDD.   For me, regardless of my weight I see my...