Haunted

I wish I could explain the feeling I get when it happens.  I wish I could describe the exact moment it happens and what goes through my head.  Below is my best attempt.

There are times, especially around the holidays, when we are presented with lots of parties, and lots of food and festivities.  For someone with an eating disorder it's extremely difficult to be in the same room at these events.  Last year I did my best to avoid them all together.  I was too busy to attend the party, or if I felt as though I had no choice in the matter, I would pull apart my food to make it appeared as though I had eaten.  This year, I stayed in the room.  The first party of the season.  I stayed, I grew anxious, I picked, not ate, I left, I cried.  I cried because I felt like a failure.  I cried because I let Ed win.  He got in my head and caused me to restrict.  

For some reason I have not been able to find a happy medium at parties,  I literally break down.  I want to eat it all, and if I do, I'll want to purge.  So, I can pick here and there, to give the appearance of consumption, and even though I am eating, I am not eating to my meal plan, or rather, not eating nearly enough to satisfy my hunger.  

I often say that I wish I was normal.  I wish that I didn't have to follow a stupid meal plan.  I wish I could just eat what I want when I want, without any fear.  I understand that this is not yet possible, but Oh how I wish I could. 

I know one day that things will get easier, and these thoughts and feelings are just times of the past, moments I will remember.  

If you know someone suffering with an eating disorder be patient, be a listening ear, and a shoulder to cry on.  

If you are suffering with an eating disorder and/or in recovery, please give yourself grace.  One day at a time, one bite at a time. 

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Comments

  1. HeatherDecember 16, 2016 at 3:03 PM

    You do well, better than you think and yes it is a fight and everyone has one. Keep pressing forward and remember, you did it. That first party, you stayed. And I'm so glad.

    ReplyDelete

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