Piece by Piece

Yesterday was the first time in years I got my hair done by a professional. For many years I cut my own hair because I had a lot of shame about the bald patches I had on my scalp. These bald spots were/are from pulling my hair, a body-focused repetitive behavior called trichotillomania, so I simply avoided salons. As most of you know from my previous post, I buzzed off my hair back in July because I was struggling so bad with my hair pulling that I have since then worn a wig. I had met with a stylist in August who basically made me feel like I was wasting his time and felt as though he was disgusted by me and my hair. I had a bad feeling about the interaction and was able to find someone else who was willing to work with me. The appointment was booked and man, was I excited (and terrified). Prior to my appointment I had terrible anxiety because I felt like my 'wish' hairstyle wouldn't be able to be done. The time slowly ticked by yesterday until it was time...moment of trut

I recently cut and colored my hair. I was hopeful that this would help me with my hair pulling...I was wrong. Last night, I was so fed up with trying to cover my bald spots and dissociating from my body while doing so that I decided to buzz cut my head. Yes, you read that correctly.  I first took chunks of hair and cut them, and then used Stefan's buzz cutter to do the rest. My hope is that having no hair to pull will help me with my pulling; a combination of that and wearing my Keen bracelet should hopefully do the trich ;) As you may know I have struggled with Trichotillomania for more than half of my life, and while I have gone over a month at a time without pulling, it has gotten particularly bad. So bad that I felt out of control with it again. I did not feel like I had the support I needed so I immediately texted my best friend, Rachel, and she gave me the support I needed. She said, "I support you. No questions. If you feel it’s a step to help you move forward then it’s

I am the heaviest weight I have ever been (not counting pregnancy) and I am also the happiest. I don't know if there is a correlation or not, and that doesn't matter; I am truly happy. For years I strived for the 'perfect' body and would do anything to get there, and yet when I would continue to lose weight I was never satisfied. I remember when I was in college and I was getting dinner from one of the restaurants in the campus center, the food service worker told me that I had beautiful eyes and he could tell that I have lived through a lot. What he probably saw was tired eyes, hollow, empty. The irony there was while I had been through a lot at that point in time, I was never truly living. Yes, my heart was beating but I wasn't truly alive. Now here I am, 15 years later, my eyes are beautiful, filled with joy, light and love. Today, I am very rarely hung up on what I eat, or what my body looks like, but rather I am putting my focus on my family and doing my part t

February 22nd - February 28th is National Eating Disorder Awareness (NEDA) week!  Here are some facts about eating disorders: 1. Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate among all mental illnesses. 2. Eating disorders are not choices, but serious biologically influenced illnesses.  3. Recovery is possible. https://pbs.twimg.com/profile_images/1148232963378864128/_ipS8up5.png At a recent therapy session, I was venting to my therapist about some of the ignorant comments that were said to me only a few days earlier. She gave me a great analogy about diet culture that really stuck with me. She said, 'diet culture is all around us; it's like people are fish swimming in the ocean and the water is diet culture. It's always there and we are surrounded by it." She really hit the nail on the head. I don't think I can go a single day without hearing someone, whether that be on TV/radio/podcast or in person, talking about eating 'healthy', weight gain/loss, goo