Piece by Piece

I feel very cliche by saying, 'It gets better' but it does.  I recently posted on instagram about how I was in a dark place...however I feel like that was not enough... it is on my heart to share exactly where I was.   I woke up on a Sunday morning and just felt bad.  I have had many mornings like this, I wake up, feel sad, I don't know why I'm feeling like this and I wallow and cry on and off all day.  On this Sunday I was feeling extremely depressed, all I wanted was to snuggle my baby, and all she wanted was 'dada'.  That was the tipping point for me on this particular morning.  The thoughts that proceeded to fill my brain were, 'You suck', 'You're a terrible mom', 'Nobody would notice or care if you were dead'.  I wanted to hurt myself so bad, I truly believed that I was so worthless that no one would notice if I was gone.  In that moment of loud negative voices I heard a little voice that told me to talk about it.  I needed to ...

Three years ago today, I took my first steps into a new life; a life in recovery.  Soon, Bean will take her first steps.  Just yesterday I was helping my little girl walk across our yard.  Not too long from now she will not need my hands to help her walk; she will be able to walk on her own.  She may initially be scared.  She will fall, she will get a few bumps and bruises along the way, and she may very well cry, but she will no doubt get back up and keep at it.  That sounds like a metaphor for life in general, and I can vouch that those exact things have happened to me over the past three years. Of course I could tell you what I was wearing as I stepped off of the plane into RDU airport, and damn I was a mix of emotions.  I was so excited to see Stefan again, and damn I was terrified.  What if he didn't like how I looked? What if I relapsed? What if I wasn't strong enough to make it?  The first question shouldn't even be a question becaus...

As I laid my head down on my pillow last night, I knew that I made it another day without anyone asking me what I ate.  To my eating disorder brain this is amazing.  I didn't have to tell anyone that I didn't eat, that I skipped most of my needed intake for the day.  The Tracy I've been slowly losing shouted from the depths of my body that something was wrong.  I closed my eyes and listened to the white noise of our air purifier, felt the softness of my sheets, and the rapid beating of my heart.  Another anxiety attack?  No, this was a different kind of racing, it was the racing I have felt before when my heart was doing too much work.  I literally thought, I could be having a heart attack.  I tossed and turned 90% of the night and when I did sleep, I dreamt of all the things I do wrong...all the imperfections I have; the imperfect person I am. For weeks now I have been walking a slippery slope in recovery.  My anxiety has increased, my att...

Today was a great day.  It was the first day in quite a while that I got to spend the full day with my sweet girl.  Stefan has been terribly sick the past two days, so it was a girls day today. The past few weeks I've been struggling pretty hard with my depression.  I haven't talked about it to many people because a large part of me doesn't want to burden anyone with my 'issues'...so I do what I've always done and stuff.  I told Stefan that Bean was the only reason I felt like getting up in the morning.  The reason for my depression is feeling depleted.  I've been feeling as though I'm giving and giving and not getting much in return.  While feeling this way, I go to pick up Bean from school one day only to hear that my sweet girl was crawling.  I didn't feel anything upon hearing that.  I didn't feel joy, nor did I feel sadness...I was numb.  Now I knew that I would miss the day that Bean would start crawling, or at least I was prepar...

res·o·lu·tion /ˌrezəˈlo͞oSH(ə)n/ noun 1.   a firm decision to do or not to do something. "she kept her resolution not to see Anne any more" <-- Poor Anne, or maybe she deserved it. So, if you're like me, you may make a New Years resolution each year, keep it for about a month, if that, and then you are back to your old ways.  I can only speak for myself but it's so easy to fall out of a resolution if it hasn't become a habit...so how do we make it a habit?  --Get out of your comfort zone ---Opposite action ----Be disciplined  Ew...those are all pretty terrifying words and actions, but if we can do it, I think we can live happier more fulfilled lives. For me, I have been tossing around a few ideas all of which make me terribly uncomfortable, but I suppose that is what it takes sometimes.  The resolutions that I am thinking about are ones that I believe will make me happier in the coming year.  I'm afraid to share any of them o...

Crying.  It's really the first thing we know how to do.  The second we enter the world, we cry.  Crying is a babies only way to communicate his/her needs until they can talk.  Somewhere along the way, the expressiveness of crying changes from a means of communication to being seen as weakness...any sign of emotion is weak? What a crock of crap. How many times have you seen a child fall down, bang their head, and hear the parent/caregiver say, 'Oh, you're fine.'?  I have heard that plenty of times, and I am guilty of saying it myself.  Someone once told me, if you draw attention to it they are going to think they should cry...um, looking back that's just dumb.  I mean, I understand what he said, but for us to imply that a child who falls face first on the cement is fine, we have another thing coming.   Is that where it starts?  A comment like that that makes us start to stuff our feelings?  It's so hard to be vulnerable and expre...

My brain is becoming mush. So here are a bunch of words.  I'm not sure if they make sense.  If they don't, sorry.  If they do, I hope you can relate...yet again I hope you can't...but I'm sure you do. Dare to be different...it's a motto I truly believe in.  Straying away from the majority, dancing to the beat of your own drum etc.  It wasn't until recently that I really feel that I am different...and sometimes different can be lonely. Can you relate?  I thought so.... I think there are times that we all feel a little out of place, trying to figure out why.  I don't think I've ever really fit in easily.  I try really hard for people to like me; sometimes I think my kindness comes off like I'm a fraud, but the fact of the matter is, I truly care about people and love so big...probably to a fault. When I was New York, I had my people, and oh my gosh how I miss you all terribly.  I had my people and I left.  We moved to North Carolin...

'I speak, because I need to be reminded of these truths' - Jedidiah Jenkins This has been on my heart lately.  It's something that I have been hearing and reading a lot about everywhere, and I feel like it is the universe's way of saying, 'This is what you need to write about'.  I've written many times about how I have lost sight of who I truly was when I was deep in my eating disorder and how I still struggle to find the real Tracy.  So, if you are sick of me babbling on about this, you should probably stop reading.  If you think I may have some helpful insight, carry on my friend. I recently started back doing programming at work, and it's been the best!  I love working with kids and I really feel like I have a strength in building relationships with kids of all ages.  I had a conversation with a little girl and I asked her what her favorite color, how old she was...you know, the basics.  When I asked her if she had a favorite animal, she starte...

Intuition.  I have it.  When I'm tired, I think 'I need a nap' or 'I need to slow down'.  If I'm running and I have my breathing down, I know I can do more.  I can pretty quickly give advice or input to the best of my ability by listening to what's in my heart.  When it comes to eating...I have no idea if I am hungry or full.  I do not know how to intuitive eat.  You may roll your eyes at this, and think, 'How could someone not know?'  That's a great question, but I really don't know. I have continued to lose weight.  I sat in my session and told my dietitian, 'I feel like I'm trying really hard.  I'm eating everything I should'.  I truly believe this to be true.  I feel frustrated.  I eat and I lose weight, I don't eat and I lose weight...what is happening?  I was diagnosed, later in my session, that I am a mechanical eater.  I eat what I think I'm supposed to eat, when I'm supposed to eat...not necessarily be...

Our words matter.  What we say to others has an impact; what we say to ourselves has an even bigger impact.  I have found that in my life I am always eager to make sure I am making everybody else happy.  I find myself worried most nights about interactions that I had throughout the day, ‘Did they take what I said the wrong way?’, ‘Why didn’t ___ say hi to me?’ etc.  I know many friends and acquaintances who have expressed the same anxieties. No doubt we need to be kind to others , but we cannot neglect ourselves along the way. The things that we tell ourselves on a daily basis are so important.  I’ve always heard about the power of words but I don’t think I ever truly believed the impact until recently. Before giving birth to Giuliana, I would say everyday how healthy she was and would continue to be, I would also say how a position at a library closer to home would open up and I would get it. All of these things came to be true. Would these things have ...

I was inspired today by a close friend of mine.  It was something she posted on Instagram, a quote, a game-changer.  The quote said, "...the question isn't so much, 'Are you parenting the right way?' as it is 'Are you the adult that you want your child to grow up to be?'"  The only comment I could make was, "Wow".  I haven't read something that deep and true in a long time.  Being a new mom ,it really struck a cord with me. Prior to being a parent, I felt like it was easy to say, "If I was a mom I'd do [insert something parent related here]" or "I'm not going to let my child do XY&Z"...and then you become a parent and everything you thought you had figured out is out the window.  Parenting is easily the hardest and most gratifying thing I have ever done.  I have done hard things before and I have felt rewarded in life, but never at the same time...until now.  Before you roll your eyes, I understand that I h...

    The first thing we ever know in this world is love.  We are taken care of from the moment we are born, and greeted with cuddles, kisses and hugs from so many people, the love is endless.  When is it that we become corrupted by the outside world and learn how much greed and dislike there is...where does all of the love go?  I refuse to get political, but it breaks my heart that many people view others by titles: democrats, republicans, gay, straight, etc.  Why does it matter?  We are all human beings who want to see the world grow and prosper and live life to the fullest...I've never seen so much hate and I worry about the future for my daughter. Dearest Giuliana, Be YOU-tiful Everyday I tell you, 'You are smart, you are strong and you are beautiful.  Do not ever let anyone convince you otherwise.'  I sit with you each day and talk about our daily plans, latest news, or just life.  Now that you can intentionally smile...

Well, it's official; I'm a mom.  Giuliana Marie Bagnato, aka Bean, Giu-Giu, Potato, Bug, G, was born on May 14th.  It's hard to believe that it's been nearly three weeks since she's been born, and man what a whirlwind it has been.  I often stare at our baby girl and get teary eyed as I turn to Stefan and say, 'We made her'.  What an amazing thing conception and birth can be...I am amazed and blown away every single day.   To say that I was fully prepared for motherhood is not true by any means.  I think I could've said I was prepared, but in all honesty, nothing can really prepare you for the emotions you will feel, the ups and downs, the adjustment to a new addition to the family, and the struggle for adaptation.  After the past 16 days, I am certainly no expert, nor do I think I will be.  However, I can provide you with straight up honesty with what I have learned so far. 1.  Nobody told me prior to birth that not only would G c...

It only feels right to create a new post on my two year anniversary!  Two years ago today, I was boarding a plane to come back home after receiving 56 days of treatment for an eating disorder.  I remember feeling excited to be back home, but nervous as hell to re-acclimate back to society. My main concern and thought was, "What will people think?"....not that much has changed today, being that I am more concerned with what other people think than anything, but I'm a work in progress what can I say?  I wondered how I looked to others.  Where people thought I was.  Did anyone care?  How could I deal with conversations about diet culture?  How could I do this? Well, I can now answer those questions: How I looked? -  I looked happy; I looked like Tracy. Where was she? -   Nobody asked, they mostly expressed their happiness I as back. Did anyone care? - Yes How could I deal with conversations about diet culture?  I'm still working...

It's been a little while since I've posted.  I've had so many thoughts flooding my mind, but nothing that I couldn't start to write about without getting writers block.  I've been writing in my journal a lot to help with my anxiety and so this post is from a recent journal entry. I recently started seeing a new therapist, something I was adamant about.  I feel like I've shared my story with more than a couple, and each time I've never truly felt like I connected and found any success.  In only my first two meetings with my new therapist I feel like we will make a lot more progress than I have in the past. In my my recent session we finished up my assessment.  At the end of the assessment she asked what my goals were.  In no particular order I said: Self love, improved body image, having a healthy relationship with food, and to work on minimizing my people pleasing/caring so much what others think ( a constant source of anxiety ).  Being that we wer...

Since leaving treatment, I have kept in touch with nearly everyone I was in treatment with.  We have maintained contact here and there, one way in particular has been through our Facebook group.  A recent question that was posed was asking if there was any time that we missed being in recovery. One response was a quote from a girl on tumblr who wrote such a beautiful post...one that I could not write with such eloquence and beauty, but one that I found inspiration and thus the reason for this post. So my answer to the question is as gray as can be. Yes and No. I've written the first 10 things that came into my mind: Things that I miss: 1.  No responsibility besides yourself 2.  Equine therapy 3.  Feeling no judgment 4.  Support 5.  The relationships I formed 6.  Terrible table games to make getting through a meal 'easier' 7.  Being vulnerable in therapy sessions, and being okay with that 8.  No cell phone (believe it or no...