It Takes Two
It only feels right to create a new post on my two year anniversary! Two years ago today, I was boarding a plane to come back home after receiving 56 days of treatment for an eating disorder. I remember feeling excited to be back home, but nervous as hell to re-acclimate back to society. My main concern and thought was, "What will people think?"....not that much has changed today, being that I am more concerned with what other people think than anything, but I'm a work in progress what can I say? I wondered how I looked to others. Where people thought I was. Did anyone care? How could I deal with conversations about diet culture? How could I do this?
Well, I can now answer those questions:
How I looked? - I looked happy; I looked like Tracy.
Where was she? - Nobody asked, they mostly expressed their happiness I as back.
Did anyone care? - Yes
How could I deal with conversations about diet culture? I'm still working this one out.
How could I do this? One day at a time.
In any case, the past two years have definitely had some ups and downs but 'tis life. I have certainly become stronger than I thought I could be, but like everyone, still have my setbacks. I find that I am stressing out about things that truly don't matter, worrying about what other people think, and have definitely lost myself a little along the way.
What I do know is this; I am stronger than I ever thought I was or could be. I believe in myself. I am going to be a mom.
Yes, I am just days away from having my first child with my stud of a husband [ in case you've missed the millions of posts and pictures about our baby Bean ] It is during these last few days that I reflect about my life, good times and bad and think what do I want Giuliana to know? What examples do I want her to see? How can I raise a daughter who has self-love and strength?
I could probably sit here for hours and think of all the things that sound perfect, but I'm not going to do that. I'm going to speak from my heart and whatever comes out is what you will read.
A few things to know:
1. Regardless of the people say, things DO happen for a reason. A little over two years ago I was offered a position at a library...sadly I had to turn it down. The reason? I was leaving for treatment. Who would think that a little over 2 years later I would be working at that same library. Coincidence? I think not. I needed the time to work on myself. Sometimes life sets you back, but it all works out in the end. Maybe not the way you had originally thought or expected...but it will work out.
2. You will make mistakes. Setbacks will happen. Only YOU have the power to see how you will handle those mistakes and setbacks. Will you choose to wallow in self pity, or will you brush yourself off and carry on?
3. It's okay to say no. It's also okay to say yes. Whatever you are doing make sure you are doing it because it is what YOU want to do, and not because you are worried about pleasing others. I cannot tell you how many times I have put myself in situations to please others, when it wasn't what I truly wanted. This has led people to take advantage and mislabel me. So while it's okay to say yes, do so because you truly want to.
4. Smile. Smile when you're happy, smile through the pain. Your smile is infectious and it can help others. There is so much pain and sadness in the world, if you can make it seem a little brighter, why not?
5. Loss is inevitable. Whether this loss is of a stuffed animal, a friendship, or a loved one you will lose something or someone at some point. You will grieve and struggle to do so, but that's okay. Grieving is healthy, and necessary, and you will get through all of the hardest things that come your way. It's been almost a year since I lost my grandma, and not a day goes by I don't think about her. A wise woman told me, as grandma was losing her battle, that her body was like a car, her vehicle was no longer working for her, and she needed a new vehicle. She's only gone physically; every time I see a cardinal I smile and say, 'Hi Grandma'.
Life isn't always easy, but it's beautiful. If you spend too much time on the wrong things you will miss all the beauty around you. It took me a really long time to learn that, and some days I struggle to see the beauty, but I know I can soon look into our baby girls eyes and see everything I always wanted.
On this two year anniversary I am grateful for a lot of things...and mostly I am grateful for you, Giuliana.
Well, I can now answer those questions:
How I looked? - I looked happy; I looked like Tracy.
Where was she? - Nobody asked, they mostly expressed their happiness I as back.
Did anyone care? - Yes
How could I deal with conversations about diet culture? I'm still working this one out.
How could I do this? One day at a time.
In any case, the past two years have definitely had some ups and downs but 'tis life. I have certainly become stronger than I thought I could be, but like everyone, still have my setbacks. I find that I am stressing out about things that truly don't matter, worrying about what other people think, and have definitely lost myself a little along the way.
What I do know is this; I am stronger than I ever thought I was or could be. I believe in myself. I am going to be a mom.
Yes, I am just days away from having my first child with my stud of a husband [ in case you've missed the millions of posts and pictures about our baby Bean ] It is during these last few days that I reflect about my life, good times and bad and think what do I want Giuliana to know? What examples do I want her to see? How can I raise a daughter who has self-love and strength?
I could probably sit here for hours and think of all the things that sound perfect, but I'm not going to do that. I'm going to speak from my heart and whatever comes out is what you will read.
A few things to know:
1. Regardless of the people say, things DO happen for a reason. A little over two years ago I was offered a position at a library...sadly I had to turn it down. The reason? I was leaving for treatment. Who would think that a little over 2 years later I would be working at that same library. Coincidence? I think not. I needed the time to work on myself. Sometimes life sets you back, but it all works out in the end. Maybe not the way you had originally thought or expected...but it will work out.
2. You will make mistakes. Setbacks will happen. Only YOU have the power to see how you will handle those mistakes and setbacks. Will you choose to wallow in self pity, or will you brush yourself off and carry on?
3. It's okay to say no. It's also okay to say yes. Whatever you are doing make sure you are doing it because it is what YOU want to do, and not because you are worried about pleasing others. I cannot tell you how many times I have put myself in situations to please others, when it wasn't what I truly wanted. This has led people to take advantage and mislabel me. So while it's okay to say yes, do so because you truly want to.
4. Smile. Smile when you're happy, smile through the pain. Your smile is infectious and it can help others. There is so much pain and sadness in the world, if you can make it seem a little brighter, why not?
5. Loss is inevitable. Whether this loss is of a stuffed animal, a friendship, or a loved one you will lose something or someone at some point. You will grieve and struggle to do so, but that's okay. Grieving is healthy, and necessary, and you will get through all of the hardest things that come your way. It's been almost a year since I lost my grandma, and not a day goes by I don't think about her. A wise woman told me, as grandma was losing her battle, that her body was like a car, her vehicle was no longer working for her, and she needed a new vehicle. She's only gone physically; every time I see a cardinal I smile and say, 'Hi Grandma'.
Life isn't always easy, but it's beautiful. If you spend too much time on the wrong things you will miss all the beauty around you. It took me a really long time to learn that, and some days I struggle to see the beauty, but I know I can soon look into our baby girls eyes and see everything I always wanted.
On this two year anniversary I am grateful for a lot of things...and mostly I am grateful for you, Giuliana.
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