All the feels

I am an emotion stuffer.  I constantly stuff my feelings about many things, and then when I am emotionally full, I will erupt and emotionally vomit all over myself....or Stefan.  I can say that, without a doubt, I have been this way for a really long time.  I don't like expressing my emotions, particularly the bad ones, and when I do, I apologize for them.  I am a really good actress; a majority of the time one would never know that I am in emotional turmoil often...I put on my happy face, stuff, and that is that.  

Can you relate to this?

I know many people who I have talked to when they are feeling down, frustrated or what have you.  They too apologize for crying, talking about something etc.  I can easily tell them, 'It's okay, you shouldn't apologize for your emotions...if it's how you feel, then feel it.'

Why is it so much easier for us to dole out advice than to practice it.

Some things that I get emotional about involve my lack of assertiveness.  I often avoid any confrontation, so instead of telling someone how I feel, I just smile, and stuff.  The thought of expressing my opinions, when the differ from others, or telling someone how what they said or did hurt my feelings, makes me cringe.  I would rather avoid any discussion then tell them how I feel, felt, or think.

I've been this way for as long back as I can remember, and trying to rewire my brain to think differently is no easy task.  I know that I would be much happier and at peace if I could just say, 'What you said hurt my feelings and here's why' or 'I think (insert opinion) about that particular situation.  I dream of being an inspiration to others, making an impact, but sometimes I wonder how I can if I am not living the best life as Tracy that I possibly could. 

When I think about the fact that I am going to be a mom soon it really makes me evaluate the way that I live my life.  I've seen some horrible things over the course of my life and I do not want them to come anywhere near my daughter and future children; I want to be able to provide a loving and honest life for them.  As Giuliana and our future children grow, what example will I set for them?  How will they view my relationships?  How will they view my emotional stability? My strength? My assertiveness?  I want to be an excellent role model.  I want them to see what confidence is.  I want them to see that we all matter, and our opinions matter.  I want them to know what self love is.  I want them to see what true love is. 

In a society that is often more divided than united, making us question rather than have answers, I fear for the youth...but I also know with the right foundation they, Giuliana included, can change the world for the better.  The next time I find myself hiding my feelings and opinions I will think about Giuliana, and do my best to be strong, deal with the discomfort and let it out.


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