Piece by Piece

I've been lying to you all, and to myself.  A part of me hopes that when I write a blog post about being strong, not worrying about what the scale says, and how great I feel dancing or running that maybe I will believe I am overcoming.  I am not as strong as I make it seem.  Again, I find myself wearing a mask, a comforting tool I've used for at least 10 years now.  A mask that hides who I really am and what I really feel. I've worn this mask for so long I've don't know how to take it off...scratch that, I know how to take it off, I am just scared of what others will see....what I will see.  I have lost my identity and now I am feeling just as lost as ever. I've found myself restricting.  I've found myself hugging the toilet bowl after meals.  I've found myself sleeping too much, and enjoying life too little.  I've once again found myself feeling alone, scared and hopeless. I hope that one day soon I will open my eyes again and get a glimpse of w

Cellulite is something that I have always had.  I even had it when I was at my lowest weight in my adult years.  I know plenty of people that also have cellulite, even the thinnest people.  I feel that the media associates cellulite as being a 'fat person' thing as well as a negative.  Due to this portrayal that society publicizes it leaves many women feeling insecure about said cellulite. These insecurities can lead women to use creams or receive treatment to minimize the appearance of cellulite.  I have been extremely insecure about my cellulite and I have had conversations with others that also find themselves insecure about their cellulite.  I understand how the appearance can appear 'unattractive', however, most women have cellulite, so why not celebrate cellulite?! Recently, Ashley Graham, 'curvy ' model, was attacked for a picture of her with her 'cellulite city'. Confident and beautiful Graham responded to these trolls with, 'Someone once to

Hate is a strong word, and I don't like using it because of the power it has.  So in this post, I am going to share with you some of my least favorite things. Scales.  These 'instruments for weighing' have only caused stress to those who dislike the digital number that appears once they step on it.  Society and the media have put so much emphasis on how low our weight should be, by glamorizing rail thin models, actresses etc.  Those that are genetically predisposed to an eating disorder can easily fall victim to a number.  I know that I have...and even when I was at my lowest weight in my eating disorder it still was not low enough.  To what extent are we willing to go to meet our 'goals'.  Once we hit that 'goal', do we only set a new goal to achieve.  Risks include screwing up our metabolism, lowering our heart rate, feeling weak, feeling empty, and sometimes even death.  Even those of us who are not genetically predisposed can find that much time is pre

A few weeks ago a friend of mine invited me to join her and a bunch of our friends to go and do zumba.  I had done zumba a few times before and remembered getting frustrated with it, but I figured why not?  So every Monday and a few other days during the week I am enjoying doing zumba both with friends and with strangers.  While I am not the best dancer in the world, I am having the time of my life each week!  I find my body feeling a healthy exhaustion, and smiling the whole time!  I have not only been having a good time and have noticed my body getting stronger...I think I'm even getting a booty! In addition to getting my dance on I went to the gym for the first time in months.  I was a little scared going in to the gym.  I know that I have gained weight and I was scared to see some of the people that I haven't seen since being home from treatment.  I got over that quickly when I was able to run the most that I have in a long time, and I felt great!   Following my run I d