Piece by Piece

Who would have thought 11 months ago that we would be where we are today. I rang in the New Year eating delicious food, drinking spiked hot chocolate and seeing an amazing light display with a dear friend. As many folks did, I had high hopes for 2020.  Unfortunately, this year has quite possibly been the worst year I've had in a long time, possibly ever. From the world living through a pandemic and the emotional toll that has had, witnessing pure hatred in our very own country, to a more personal struggle relapsing with both my eating disorder and trichotillomania and losing my father to cancer, this year was emotionally and mentally exhausting. Now this is not a post for a pity party, this is a post about perspective and seeing the good in the bad. Take-aways from 2020 As I have expressed in my most recent post, my dad was a good man, who of course had his faults as we all do, but he lived life to the best of his ability and gave what he could when he could. He was also suffering....

Today, I waited for my coffee and overheard the conversation of a patron and, whom I presume to be, the owner of the coffee shop.  The conversation hit me hard due to some recent things I do not wish to share at this time.  It really impacted me. The conversation went something along the lines of this ('P' is patron 'C' is for Coffee owner): P - "Did you recognize my kids? They used to come in here all the time with their dad..." C - "..." P - "That's why we are all here, for his funeral." C- "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, what was his name?" P - "Name shared" C - "Do you have a picture of him" Patron pulls out phone, and shares a picture of him. C - "I know exactly who that is, what happened" P - "He took his own life." C - "I'm so sorry." Condolences were shared, then the owner tended to my coffee and I asked if the gentleman was a regular.  He said, ...

The hottest thing the past week or so seems to be the 10 year challenge: how hard did aging hit you.  I chose not to take part in this challenge just because I simply didn't want to.  I did, however, go back and look at the picture from more than 10 years ago...one of my first ever Facebook pictures.  What did I see? A girl dressed in all pink, who looks like she was 16, smiling.  If I showed you a picture of myself today, you would see the same thing, except maybe now I could pass for 18.  Some people age gracefully, while some others don't, but what does that represent besides another comparison?  You cannot look at someone-else's picture and know what was going on in their lives at that time; how many of you smile through the pain?  I know I did.   What I chose to do instead was think about what my life has looked like the past 10 years.   In the past 10 years I have seen my worst days and my best days.  10+ years ago I was sic...

I sometimes feel like a broken record when I write, but there are some feelings and thoughts that are constant.  One thing I feel like I preach and try to work on is not to worry about what others think...well let me tell you, I realized today that I am not doing well in that area. Last night into day I had a truly debilitating migraine.  I was incredibly ill and I felt horrible.  Still, I made an attempt to go to work because, having been the day after a long holiday weekend, I didn't want my colleagues to think I was just extending my weekend.  I didn't think about how it was hard to even walk.  I immediately thought, I don't want them to think poorly of me...yes, I am a freak.  I ended up being at work for a grand total of 15 minutes before leaving and sleeping five hours.   I then proceeded to think about all of the times I pretend to be "cool" but I am so worried about being seen in a poor light.   Here's the truth; I worry way too much...

It may have taken me 31 years, but I'm finally learning!  Since as far back as I can remember, I have wanted everyone to like me and I needed to be friends with everyone.  I now realize that having these so called 'friends' can be toxic and I am not about that life.   I hear a lot of folks complain about text messaging and why can't people just pick up the phone and call.  The fact of the matter is that people are extremely busy and text messaging can be easier for a busy schedule.  Think about how many people you know with full time jobs, maybe even more than one job, children, pets, hobbies, etc.  Life is busy.  I was the type of person that, up until two weeks ago, has kept EVERY text message.  I would then scroll down and say, 'Oh, I haven't spoke to _____ in a while, let's shoot them a text'.  The conversation would either go on, or I would not get a response.  The latter would gnaw at me.  I would start thinking about w...

As you, the reader, already know, I have struggled with an eating disorder for over a decade.  It is only now, as I am strong in my recovery, that I recognize the impact that a mental illness and/or addiction can have on your family and friends.  It is only now that I see others struggle, I feel the pain, and anger I may have caused many of you...and for that here is this apology. Please note that over the past 12 years I have made plenty of memories and moments of clarity.  The following apologies are for when I was at my sickest.  I am not my eating disorder; these behaviors were not me. Dear family and friends, I'm sorry that I was not fully present in moments of great joy and sadness.   I'm sorry that while you were making memories, I was so sick I knew I wouldn't remember. I'm sorry I drove when I didn't eat. For blacking out on the drive, and being grateful I made it home alive. I'm sorry if I was selfish. I'm sorry I manipulated you int...

At a recent meeting for work we watched a TedTalk called, The Lollipop Moment.  I've been under a rock, and have never actually seen a TedTalk prior to this one, but I was grateful that this was my first.  The speaker, Drew Dudley, began the talk by asking how many people in the audience were comfortable calling themselves a leader?  Very few hands went up...and in my head I was trying to rack my brain for moments that I would say I was a leader.  I thought of a few instances from my youth, from previous jobs and my current career...but the keyword there is few.  I, as we all are, am my own worst critic and I often doubt myself and my strengths.  If I could consider a time I felt like I was a leader, I immediately start talking myself out of it, and how it wasn't really true leadership.   Well, Drew shared his story and truly redefined what being a leader is.  In his story he recalled of the time a girl came up to him, years after their enc...

It only feels right to create a new post on my two year anniversary!  Two years ago today, I was boarding a plane to come back home after receiving 56 days of treatment for an eating disorder.  I remember feeling excited to be back home, but nervous as hell to re-acclimate back to society. My main concern and thought was, "What will people think?"....not that much has changed today, being that I am more concerned with what other people think than anything, but I'm a work in progress what can I say?  I wondered how I looked to others.  Where people thought I was.  Did anyone care?  How could I deal with conversations about diet culture?  How could I do this? Well, I can now answer those questions: How I looked? -  I looked happy; I looked like Tracy. Where was she? -   Nobody asked, they mostly expressed their happiness I as back. Did anyone care? - Yes How could I deal with conversations about diet culture?  I'm still working...

Well....2016 is almost over and all I have to say is, 'Good Riddance!'  I think most everyone will agree that we are happy to see 2016 go.  For some reason this past year has been a terrible one for many people.  Social media has erupted with meme's, gifs and videos all declaring that 2016, for lack of better words, sucked. With the conclusion of the year approaching, I like to take some time to reflect on the past year, and as I do so I realize that while it has not been the easiest year personally, I can honestly say that I have learned a lot. We truly never know what someone else is going through:   Often times we walk around with a smile on our face, when inwardly we are feeling low.  This happy exterior is often a shield to protect ourselves from being vulnerable to our emotions and to others.  I think that we as human beings are more alike that we are different.  We all have our 'stuff' to deal with in life; no one is excluded from the...

I wish I could explain the feeling I get when it happens.  I wish I could describe the exact moment it happens and what goes through my head.  Below is my best attempt. There are times, especially around the holidays, when we are presented with lots of parties, and lots of food and festivities.  For someone with an eating disorder it's extremely difficult to be in the same room at these events.  Last year I did my best to avoid them all together.  I was too busy to attend the party, or if I felt as though I had no choice in the matter, I would pull apart my food to make it appeared as though I had eaten.  This year, I stayed in the room.  The first party of the season.  I stayed, I grew anxious, I picked, not ate, I left, I cried.  I cried because I felt like a failure.  I cried because I let Ed win.  He got in my head and caused me to restrict.   For some reason I have not been able to find a happy medium at parties, ...

I just got out of a great session with my therapist and it has sparked a fire inside of me. One thing that I love about going to see my therapist is that I have an unbiased party to speak to and we never know where the conversation is going to go.  Today, we got a little off topic from my initial discussion, but it has opened my eyes.   I am in a place where I am starting to care less and less about what people think. However, I do still make a lot of decisions based on how others will perceive my decision....it's exhausting, and I'm getting sick of it.  Why should I let other people's perspectives and opinions change the way I live my life. There have been a few stories I recalled that I remember people, strangers and acquaintances, who have made snarky comments about me both to my face and behind my back.  To the comments that were made to my face about not valuing my opinion or being too 'nice'...you're ballsy, and also smart, because you knew I wouldn...

The past week I've been on an adventure with my best friend.  We started our journey at a wedding in Arizona, we hiked at Red Rocks in Sedona, saw Sunset Crater, and the Grand Canyon.  We then traveled to Utah where we hiked the Narrows, Emerald Pools and Observation Point at Zion.  From there we made our way to Las Vegas for a relaxing time and the Britney Spears concert.  It sure was an incredible adventure and one that was truly eye opening. This adventure was a truly strenuous one, with so much hiking requiring great endurance.  I am so incredibly proud of myself for being able to do such hard/rewarding work.  As we were on the trails, I often reminded myself of how far I've come on my recovery journey.  I honestly do not think that I would have been able to do so much with as much strength as I had if this was a year ago.  My weight gain in treatment was difficult at first, however, I've been working hard at the gym to build my muscles and ...

I've been struggling a lot lately. I've been going in a downward spiral for a few weeks, and have definitely recognized a difference in my body and mindset.  I've taken one 'bad' thing and turned everything into one big bowl of negativity.  Being aware of my transgressions in my recovery I was eager to get to my therapy session.  It's so much easier venting and talking openly with an unbiased 3rd party.  It's a judgement free environment in which I can spill my guts and receive some awesome advice...I love my LCSW.  I always leave each session feeling great about life, feeling inner strength and feel ready to take on the world.   I was very emotional and my session yesterday because I haven't been expressing my struggles or stress with anyone, that it all exploded.  [Note to self, don't bottle up, open up] I often speak poorly of myself.  I find everything wrong with me, never feel like I am good enough, never believe I deserve anything good,...

My heart began to race as my mind was flooding with images of the past.  There I was, another sleepless night, wide awake, reflecting on some memories.  The setting this time was the apartment we lived in our senior year of college.  I thought, that was eight years ago...where did the time go.  At that moment, my anxiety began to surface.  This particular memory led me to think about how quickly time goes by and about how precious our time here on earth is.  We truly do not know when our life is going to end.  We do not know where we will end up, we just walk out on faith and hope for the best.  I also developed feelings of guilt; I've made such great memories over the course of my life, and for 1/3 of my life I let my negative feelings dictate my time here. I've been surrounded by tragedy in the last few months, both personally, affecting people I love and mentally, by the media.  There are so many horrible things that are occurring in t...

A wise man once said, 'I am what I am, and that's all that I am'.  Yes, by wise man I mean a fictional character who dined on spinach while chewing on a pipe.  Maybe not the most authoritative visionary, but that quote is simple and filled with insight. I have mentioned in my previous posts that being in recovery I have begun to peel some of my layers back and am getting to know myself more and more each day.  Although, I am starting to know myself, I have been surrounded by friends and loved ones that have known who I am for a long while.  I especially want to focus on my friends...let's be honest here, more often than not our family will be there for us because we are just that, family.  Friends, however, can leave if they choose to. I have been extremely blessed to have a lot of friends in my life with whom I know I can confide in anywhere, anytime, any place.  The group of people that I call friends aren't my friends because of anything artificial, ...

While I was in treatment I started making an altered book.  I didn't know what it was until going to treatment, so I will explain it here.  To create an altered book you take a book already in existence and you 'alter' it's form.  You can use magazine clippings, actual photos, and create your own artwork on the pages etc. You are doing what the name suggests, and altering the book from it's original form to a different form and adding your own unique meaning to it as well.   I know...before you go on, you may be thinking, 'What kind of librarian would do such a horrid thing to a book?!'...my answer...ONE BAD ASS LIBRARIAN! Two of the pages in my book I used to create a poem using the method referred to as blackout poetry. To create a blackout poem you find words on the page(s) you are using that have significance to you, or that inspire you....you then take a sharpie marker and blackout the other words on the page so you are left with only those that are...

It's pretty safe to say, that when I was in my eating disorder, I was never really present in moments with my friends and family.  My mind was so consumed with food; restricting my food, when I could purge, how many calories have I had so far.  My head was so filled with these thoughts that I never enjoyed the little moments with my loved ones.  Additionally, I was often too weak to hold/carry my nieces for long periods of time.  I lacked patience, was irritable, and not being mindful of our time together. Fast forward to last week. My sister and my nieces took a trip to visit my husband and I.  I can gladly say that this was the first time in probably years that I enjoyed nearly every second of their visit.  I wasn't worried about what I was eating, what I looked like, and I had enough energy to run around, play with and carry my nieces.  I have been struggling a lot lately with my meal plan, and my body image.  I think it's important for m...