An open letter to my family and friends

As you, the reader, already know, I have struggled with an eating disorder for over a decade.  It is only now, as I am strong in my recovery, that I recognize the impact that a mental illness and/or addiction can have on your family and friends.  It is only now that I see others struggle, I feel the pain, and anger I may have caused many of you...and for that here is this apology.

 Please note that over the past 12 years I have made plenty of memories and moments of clarity.  The following apologies are for when I was at my sickest.  I am not my eating disorder; these behaviors were not me.

 Dear family and friends,

 I'm sorry that I was not fully present in moments of great joy and sadness.  

 I'm sorry that while you were making memories, I was so sick I knew I wouldn't remember.

 I'm sorry I drove when I didn't eat. For blacking out on the drive, and being grateful I made it home alive.

 I'm sorry if I was selfish.

 I'm sorry I manipulated you into believing I was okay.

 I'm sorry for lying.

 I'm sorry I didn't accept the help.

 I'm sorry for disappointing you.

 I'm sorry I prioritized a number.

 I'm sorry that you are reading this and seeing the truth behind my apologies.

 I'm sorry for not having the audacity to tell you this to your face.

 With that, I want to thank you.

 Thank you for sticking by me.

 Thank you for believing in me.

 Thank you for helping me see that I matter in spite of my weight.

 Thank you for being you.

 Thank you for letting me be me.

 Love always,
Tracy





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