Piece by Piece

Who would have thought 11 months ago that we would be where we are today. I rang in the New Year eating delicious food, drinking spiked hot chocolate and seeing an amazing light display with a dear friend. As many folks did, I had high hopes for 2020.  Unfortunately, this year has quite possibly been the worst year I've had in a long time, possibly ever. From the world living through a pandemic and the emotional toll that has had, witnessing pure hatred in our very own country, to a more personal struggle relapsing with both my eating disorder and trichotillomania and losing my father to cancer, this year was emotionally and mentally exhausting. Now this is not a post for a pity party, this is a post about perspective and seeing the good in the bad. Take-aways from 2020 As I have expressed in my most recent post, my dad was a good man, who of course had his faults as we all do, but he lived life to the best of his ability and gave what he could when he could. He was also suffering....

This has been a difficult time for all of us and the impact of COVID-19 is having a different effect on each and everyone of us. For me, I have struggled with an increase in depression and anxiety. Like most of you I have had highs and lows and I am working to create and then maintain a sense of inner-peace.  I enjoy meditation and I believe that meditating on a near-regular basis while pregnant with Bean is the reason that not only did I have a great pregnancy but also why she will take deep breaths with me when she is having a tough time. I also believe that implementing it on a more regular basis these days and beyond will help provide me with a sense of peace. Not everything works for everyone but I highly recommend Headspace if you are interested in getting started. Right now, any health care worker and educators, I believe, are getting free membership to the app until the end of the year.  I am obviously a reader and have been reading quite a bit more these days...

I have referred to the 'highlight reel' before. For those of you who haven't heard this term before, it is used to refer to pictures that people post on social media; everyone shows their highlight reel, but there is always more to the story...more to their story. Stefan and I recently went on a trip to Charleston to celebrate our wedding anniversary. We had a fabulous time on the beach, eating great food and enjoying some adult beverages. It was also comforting to know that Bean was in great hands with Stefan's parents. A minor digression, anyone who has kids, I cannot stress enough the importance of getting some time away just you and your significant other. It is not only healthy for you as a couple, but it is healthy for your child(ren) as well. In any case we had a great time, I took some great pictures, but as with most pictures there is more to the story. On our second night in Charleston we went to this fabulous bar. We were having a great time...

If I posted the pictures that I took of Bean today, one would think that we had the best day ever and I have such a sweet baby.  Here is the truth, today was hard, and Bean can be sweet when she wants to be.  Today wasn't one of those days (for the most part).  A day like today prompted crying, a timeout and a beer...all of those were for me.  Very few people prepare you for what it's really going to be like to be a mom, and then boom you're living it. I almost had a complete breakdown while driving today as my child screamed in the backseat.  I knew the only thing I could do was reach out to one of my best friends to help me out.  Very rarely do people tell the world of social media how much of a hot mess their child was that day but I knew that my friend would keep it real for me.  When you are out in public and your child pitches a fit for no good reason (at least not to you) and other people stare and make comments, it makes you feel like there ...

She lives her life behind a mask. And in the off chance that someone asks, she replies, 'I'm good, I'm great, I'm fine.' They ask out of obligation, not because they care. The rest of the world around her is so distracting, it doesn't quite seem fair. Everyone's got their issues, and I've got mine too, but if you stopped to ask sincerely,  think of what you might hear? 'It seems that you are too preoccupied with someone who is getting high;  you don't seem to try to notice struggle right in front of your eyes.' 'I don't think you really care about my recovery...you're more concerned with what weight YOU think you should be.' You told her you don't want to ask her because you don't know what to say. Just tell her that you love her, and it will be okay. She lives each day with a check list of all the things she's done. It never even crosses her mind that she should be her number one. Putting...

Three years ago today, I took my first steps into a new life; a life in recovery.  Soon, Bean will take her first steps.  Just yesterday I was helping my little girl walk across our yard.  Not too long from now she will not need my hands to help her walk; she will be able to walk on her own.  She may initially be scared.  She will fall, she will get a few bumps and bruises along the way, and she may very well cry, but she will no doubt get back up and keep at it.  That sounds like a metaphor for life in general, and I can vouch that those exact things have happened to me over the past three years. Of course I could tell you what I was wearing as I stepped off of the plane into RDU airport, and damn I was a mix of emotions.  I was so excited to see Stefan again, and damn I was terrified.  What if he didn't like how I looked? What if I relapsed? What if I wasn't strong enough to make it?  The first question shouldn't even be a question becaus...

As I laid my head down on my pillow last night, I knew that I made it another day without anyone asking me what I ate.  To my eating disorder brain this is amazing.  I didn't have to tell anyone that I didn't eat, that I skipped most of my needed intake for the day.  The Tracy I've been slowly losing shouted from the depths of my body that something was wrong.  I closed my eyes and listened to the white noise of our air purifier, felt the softness of my sheets, and the rapid beating of my heart.  Another anxiety attack?  No, this was a different kind of racing, it was the racing I have felt before when my heart was doing too much work.  I literally thought, I could be having a heart attack.  I tossed and turned 90% of the night and when I did sleep, I dreamt of all the things I do wrong...all the imperfections I have; the imperfect person I am. For weeks now I have been walking a slippery slope in recovery.  My anxiety has increased, my att...

I said to Stefan the other day, "I need to blog, but I don't feel inspired by anything."  After saying that, I began to realize that I have only felt inspired when I am feeling down, or something sets me off...basically I feel like I am often mad, disappointed, sad etc. when I post and that's not okay.  I rethought about what is inspiring to me and why I felt so uninspired.  The truth is...I am happy.  Truly happy. I made a bold statement in therapy last week and said that I feel the best I have since leaving treatment.  I am going to be even bolder with you and say I feel the best I have since as long as I can remember.  I was meant to be a mom.  Sure, there have been times where I don't know what the heck I'm doing..but let's be honest, does anyone really know?  Giuliana is by far the best audience I have.  She laughs at nearly everything I do, she doesn't get mad when I sing (like some people...I'm looking at you Stefan), she makes me ...

Crying.  It's really the first thing we know how to do.  The second we enter the world, we cry.  Crying is a babies only way to communicate his/her needs until they can talk.  Somewhere along the way, the expressiveness of crying changes from a means of communication to being seen as weakness...any sign of emotion is weak? What a crock of crap. How many times have you seen a child fall down, bang their head, and hear the parent/caregiver say, 'Oh, you're fine.'?  I have heard that plenty of times, and I am guilty of saying it myself.  Someone once told me, if you draw attention to it they are going to think they should cry...um, looking back that's just dumb.  I mean, I understand what he said, but for us to imply that a child who falls face first on the cement is fine, we have another thing coming.   Is that where it starts?  A comment like that that makes us start to stuff our feelings?  It's so hard to be vulnerable and expre...

As you, the reader, already know, I have struggled with an eating disorder for over a decade.  It is only now, as I am strong in my recovery, that I recognize the impact that a mental illness and/or addiction can have on your family and friends.  It is only now that I see others struggle, I feel the pain, and anger I may have caused many of you...and for that here is this apology. Please note that over the past 12 years I have made plenty of memories and moments of clarity.  The following apologies are for when I was at my sickest.  I am not my eating disorder; these behaviors were not me. Dear family and friends, I'm sorry that I was not fully present in moments of great joy and sadness.   I'm sorry that while you were making memories, I was so sick I knew I wouldn't remember. I'm sorry I drove when I didn't eat. For blacking out on the drive, and being grateful I made it home alive. I'm sorry if I was selfish. I'm sorry I manipulated you int...

I was inspired today by a close friend of mine.  It was something she posted on Instagram, a quote, a game-changer.  The quote said, "...the question isn't so much, 'Are you parenting the right way?' as it is 'Are you the adult that you want your child to grow up to be?'"  The only comment I could make was, "Wow".  I haven't read something that deep and true in a long time.  Being a new mom ,it really struck a cord with me. Prior to being a parent, I felt like it was easy to say, "If I was a mom I'd do [insert something parent related here]" or "I'm not going to let my child do XY&Z"...and then you become a parent and everything you thought you had figured out is out the window.  Parenting is easily the hardest and most gratifying thing I have ever done.  I have done hard things before and I have felt rewarded in life, but never at the same time...until now.  Before you roll your eyes, I understand that I h...

    The first thing we ever know in this world is love.  We are taken care of from the moment we are born, and greeted with cuddles, kisses and hugs from so many people, the love is endless.  When is it that we become corrupted by the outside world and learn how much greed and dislike there is...where does all of the love go?  I refuse to get political, but it breaks my heart that many people view others by titles: democrats, republicans, gay, straight, etc.  Why does it matter?  We are all human beings who want to see the world grow and prosper and live life to the fullest...I've never seen so much hate and I worry about the future for my daughter. Dearest Giuliana, Be YOU-tiful Everyday I tell you, 'You are smart, you are strong and you are beautiful.  Do not ever let anyone convince you otherwise.'  I sit with you each day and talk about our daily plans, latest news, or just life.  Now that you can intentionally smile...

It only feels right to create a new post on my two year anniversary!  Two years ago today, I was boarding a plane to come back home after receiving 56 days of treatment for an eating disorder.  I remember feeling excited to be back home, but nervous as hell to re-acclimate back to society. My main concern and thought was, "What will people think?"....not that much has changed today, being that I am more concerned with what other people think than anything, but I'm a work in progress what can I say?  I wondered how I looked to others.  Where people thought I was.  Did anyone care?  How could I deal with conversations about diet culture?  How could I do this? Well, I can now answer those questions: How I looked? -  I looked happy; I looked like Tracy. Where was she? -   Nobody asked, they mostly expressed their happiness I as back. Did anyone care? - Yes How could I deal with conversations about diet culture?  I'm still working...