Piece by Piece

I recently celebrated my four year anniversary in recovery. Recovery is not linear, it's a rough road and as with anything in life, some days are easier than others. Here's the thing I didn't tell you with the celebration of four years; I've been struggling.  Back in February I felt as though I was looking thinner. I remember asking Stefan if I thought I looked like I had lost weight but he didn't notice a change; in his defense he sees me all the time. I shook it off and thought maybe it was in my head. By the time April hit and I missed my period I felt sick. I was emotional and went to Stefan; he suggested I try reaching out to my dietician. I had stopped seeing her last August, because of how well I was doing, but it seemed as though his recommendation was worth pursuing. Long story short I contacted her, set up an appointment and within a few days we had our first appointment in months. Given the current pandemic, I am unable to go to her office so she coul...

I have referred to the 'highlight reel' before. For those of you who haven't heard this term before, it is used to refer to pictures that people post on social media; everyone shows their highlight reel, but there is always more to the story...more to their story. Stefan and I recently went on a trip to Charleston to celebrate our wedding anniversary. We had a fabulous time on the beach, eating great food and enjoying some adult beverages. It was also comforting to know that Bean was in great hands with Stefan's parents. A minor digression, anyone who has kids, I cannot stress enough the importance of getting some time away just you and your significant other. It is not only healthy for you as a couple, but it is healthy for your child(ren) as well. In any case we had a great time, I took some great pictures, but as with most pictures there is more to the story. On our second night in Charleston we went to this fabulous bar. We were having a great time...

How many of you make a New Years resolution and stick to it for a month and then quit? I am so guilty of this. Last year, I said I was going to write a book. I was super confident that I would do it, but when it got to be the summer and I hadn't touched it I realized it wasn't going to happen. While I do believe that there is a book somewhere inside of me, I also recognize that that resolution may have been a little too much for me for that stage of my life. 2019 posed to be a challenging one for me emotionally and socially. People that I am close to have struggled with their health, from chronic pain, to a recent cancer diagnosis. I have given a lot with some relationships and haven't received much in return. I know that I have probably left people feeling this way about me, and for that I am sorry. People come in and out of our lives and the ones that are meant to stay forever will. I ended the year feeling extremely empty and a little broken so for 202...

This isn't your obligatory Thanksgiving post about how grateful I am for my friends and family...that should happen every day, so if you are posting strictly for the fact that it's Thanksgiving maybe you should consider being more thoughtful every day and not just for a holiday.  Sorry, I'm not sorry. I had a friend ask me the other day, 'Is Thanksgiving hard for you?'.  It took me a second to understand what she meant.  'Well yeah', I thought, holidays are hard in general because of the stigma I have put on them, but then I realized that she was asking if it was hard because of my eating disorder.  I was taken aback by her question because I do not recall anyone ever asking me before.  My response was that it used to be, but this year is different because we are straying home.  She acknowledged the difficulty that the holidays can have on someone who struggles because of all the food and all the people.   For years I felt like people were watch...

If I posted the pictures that I took of Bean today, one would think that we had the best day ever and I have such a sweet baby.  Here is the truth, today was hard, and Bean can be sweet when she wants to be.  Today wasn't one of those days (for the most part).  A day like today prompted crying, a timeout and a beer...all of those were for me.  Very few people prepare you for what it's really going to be like to be a mom, and then boom you're living it. I almost had a complete breakdown while driving today as my child screamed in the backseat.  I knew the only thing I could do was reach out to one of my best friends to help me out.  Very rarely do people tell the world of social media how much of a hot mess their child was that day but I knew that my friend would keep it real for me.  When you are out in public and your child pitches a fit for no good reason (at least not to you) and other people stare and make comments, it makes you feel like there ...

Well, we did it.  Tuesday marked one year that Bean's been in daycare and one year back to work for me.  I didn't really make much of it but my friend high fives me (my favorite) and says, 'Way to go, that's huge!'  The more I thought about it the more I realized that it really was a big deal.  Being a mom is hard.  Being a stay at home mom is hard.  I can only speak to my experience as a working mom, and damn...it's been hard. Going back to work was something that I wanted to do but also something I had to do.  I felt as though I received some grief from people for going back but the truth is it's not the 90's and money doesn't hold that same value.  First day back I remember one of my fears of having Bean in daycare was that she would begin to think that her teacher was mom since she spent that much more time at school than at home.  I also remember that I didn't cry when I dropped her off on her first day, and for that I felt guil...

I've been feeling the need to write, but haven't had one solid thought.  I've been struggling lately with my depression and anxiety and some days it's really hard to get out of bed and get my shit together, but I do.  I push through and most days I feel accomplished that I did; other days not so much.  I often feel like that commercial where the person is holding up a stick with a smiley face to hide her real feelings.  You can be sure to find me with a smile and a fairly good attitude, and while I am a pretty happy person, much of that can be an act...  I've also been experiencing a lot of frustration in life and to be frank, I'm pissed off at so many things. I'm disappointed in myself.  I am often surrounded by gossip and people talking shit for no good reason.  Instead of choosing to walk away, I listen and sometimes I partake in the conversation.  You don't know what people are going through in their lives, so does talking negatively about...

She lives her life behind a mask. And in the off chance that someone asks, she replies, 'I'm good, I'm great, I'm fine.' They ask out of obligation, not because they care. The rest of the world around her is so distracting, it doesn't quite seem fair. Everyone's got their issues, and I've got mine too, but if you stopped to ask sincerely,  think of what you might hear? 'It seems that you are too preoccupied with someone who is getting high;  you don't seem to try to notice struggle right in front of your eyes.' 'I don't think you really care about my recovery...you're more concerned with what weight YOU think you should be.' You told her you don't want to ask her because you don't know what to say. Just tell her that you love her, and it will be okay. She lives each day with a check list of all the things she's done. It never even crosses her mind that she should be her number one. Putting...

One of the hardest things that I have struggled with in mommy-hood has been feeding my sweet Beanie girl.  Now, you may be thinking, well breast feeding IS hard.  I'm sure that is true from what I hear, but I did not ever breastfeed.  Go ahead and mommy shame me, I dare you.   Let me digress for a moment.  Before giving birth to Bean, I felt as though I HAD to breastfeed because that's what society makes you think is the right thing.  Now, for anyone who knows me, I am a rule follower and need to be liked, so naturally one would think that I would choose to breastfeed.  But in all honesty the thought of it made me uncomfortable.  I had heard about the struggles that it had caused for many new moms and knowing myself and my anxiety I didn't know if it was something I even wanted to attempt.  Luckily, I spoke to one of my best friends about this prior to giving birth.  She made me feel a million times better and made me feel like ...

As I laid my head down on my pillow last night, I knew that I made it another day without anyone asking me what I ate.  To my eating disorder brain this is amazing.  I didn't have to tell anyone that I didn't eat, that I skipped most of my needed intake for the day.  The Tracy I've been slowly losing shouted from the depths of my body that something was wrong.  I closed my eyes and listened to the white noise of our air purifier, felt the softness of my sheets, and the rapid beating of my heart.  Another anxiety attack?  No, this was a different kind of racing, it was the racing I have felt before when my heart was doing too much work.  I literally thought, I could be having a heart attack.  I tossed and turned 90% of the night and when I did sleep, I dreamt of all the things I do wrong...all the imperfections I have; the imperfect person I am. For weeks now I have been walking a slippery slope in recovery.  My anxiety has increased, my att...

Today was a great day.  It was the first day in quite a while that I got to spend the full day with my sweet girl.  Stefan has been terribly sick the past two days, so it was a girls day today. The past few weeks I've been struggling pretty hard with my depression.  I haven't talked about it to many people because a large part of me doesn't want to burden anyone with my 'issues'...so I do what I've always done and stuff.  I told Stefan that Bean was the only reason I felt like getting up in the morning.  The reason for my depression is feeling depleted.  I've been feeling as though I'm giving and giving and not getting much in return.  While feeling this way, I go to pick up Bean from school one day only to hear that my sweet girl was crawling.  I didn't feel anything upon hearing that.  I didn't feel joy, nor did I feel sadness...I was numb.  Now I knew that I would miss the day that Bean would start crawling, or at least I was prepar...