I can feel again
I recently celebrated my four year anniversary in recovery. Recovery is not linear, it's a rough road and as with anything in life, some days are easier than others. Here's the thing I didn't tell you with the celebration of four years; I've been struggling.
Back in February I felt as though I was looking thinner. I remember asking Stefan if I thought I looked like I had lost weight but he didn't notice a change; in his defense he sees me all the time. I shook it off and thought maybe it was in my head. By the time April hit and I missed my period I felt sick. I was emotional and went to Stefan; he suggested I try reaching out to my dietician. I had stopped seeing her last August, because of how well I was doing, but it seemed as though his recommendation was worth pursuing. Long story short I contacted her, set up an appointment and within a few days we had our first appointment in months.
Given the current pandemic, I am unable to go to her office so she couldn't tell visually if I looked like I had lost weight, and we do not own a scale at home. In fact, my badass husband did his own scale smashing circa March 2016 when I was in treatment, and we haven't had one since. My dietician gave us an option so we went with it; we ordered a scale and once a week Stefan weighs me and sends that information to her. At my first meeting with her after getting a weight she told me, 'I'm worried about you.' I was emotional wondering how I could let this happen? Now I do not know how much I weigh or how much I need to gain, I just know what I have been doing is not even close to enough. Looking back at the Fall/Winter I can definitely remember feeling brain fog, irritability and sleeping poorly, all tell tale signs for me, that my eating disorder is in control.
The past few weeks, since I first went back to my dietician, have been really hard. I am restoring weight and I feel full and uncomfortable 99% of the time. Feeling so full leaves me thinking I'm 'fat' and full of shame. I also know that I am gaining weight because of the way my clothes fit, and conversations I am having in my weekly sessions, but I am still not where I need to me to go into 'maintenance' mode. When I am restoring weight my anxiety heightens and the voice of my eating disorder is loud and demanding me to go back to my old ways. "When you are in your eating disorder your anxiety is less and you are thin," he says, but I respond with, 'At least I can feel again.'
There was a time when I was limiting my intake to just 800 calories a day. There were times when I would do that and also purge, leaving me with very little in my system. I can no longer count calories and I'm not sure I will ever be able to do so again comfortably. What I do know is for my body to function 100% I need at least 3,000 calories a day. I get emotional thinking about how much damage I was doing to my body, and have periodically done when I've put everything else in my life first and neglected me. That's what happened the past few months, I was neglecting myself, and ignoring signs of pain because I was so consumed with everything else in my life, and everyone else's pain I didn't feel my own.
As I write this I am remembering the highs and lows of my journey and I am grateful and proud for how far I've come. I am definitely becoming a stronger woman and I even broke up with my therapist. I kept giving her chances, but when she said, 'But Tracy you don't look sick, you still have (she motions to pinching her cheeks) a little, like yeah, you look okay.' RED FLAG. When I told her that was not okay to say she didn't understand how it was bad. She said some other things like, 'I don't see why you don't own a scale' and when I said how Bean didn't love sweets she made that seem like I should take a sign of relief. Don't get me wrong, I saw her for a year and we had some great sessions and I took away many nuggets to help me get through some trauma but right here, right now, I need someone who can help me remember what it is like and appreciate this body I am in.
We are all a work in progress and every day is a chance to make things right with ourselves. I read a self-help book that had 12 steps. One of these steps talked about, 'putting a ring on it'....and not in the way you may think. She was referring to putting a ring on her own finger. The first time I read this book I totally rolled my eyes, but I am rereading this book right now and when I got to that part I felt emotional. So for Mother's Day this year, I bought myself a ring that I will wear on my right hand. This ring is a commitment to myself, my journey and my healing. I am hopeful that when I look at it I will remember my strength and appreciate not only that strength but the woman behind it.
Stay gold
Back in February I felt as though I was looking thinner. I remember asking Stefan if I thought I looked like I had lost weight but he didn't notice a change; in his defense he sees me all the time. I shook it off and thought maybe it was in my head. By the time April hit and I missed my period I felt sick. I was emotional and went to Stefan; he suggested I try reaching out to my dietician. I had stopped seeing her last August, because of how well I was doing, but it seemed as though his recommendation was worth pursuing. Long story short I contacted her, set up an appointment and within a few days we had our first appointment in months.
Given the current pandemic, I am unable to go to her office so she couldn't tell visually if I looked like I had lost weight, and we do not own a scale at home. In fact, my badass husband did his own scale smashing circa March 2016 when I was in treatment, and we haven't had one since. My dietician gave us an option so we went with it; we ordered a scale and once a week Stefan weighs me and sends that information to her. At my first meeting with her after getting a weight she told me, 'I'm worried about you.' I was emotional wondering how I could let this happen? Now I do not know how much I weigh or how much I need to gain, I just know what I have been doing is not even close to enough. Looking back at the Fall/Winter I can definitely remember feeling brain fog, irritability and sleeping poorly, all tell tale signs for me, that my eating disorder is in control.
The past few weeks, since I first went back to my dietician, have been really hard. I am restoring weight and I feel full and uncomfortable 99% of the time. Feeling so full leaves me thinking I'm 'fat' and full of shame. I also know that I am gaining weight because of the way my clothes fit, and conversations I am having in my weekly sessions, but I am still not where I need to me to go into 'maintenance' mode. When I am restoring weight my anxiety heightens and the voice of my eating disorder is loud and demanding me to go back to my old ways. "When you are in your eating disorder your anxiety is less and you are thin," he says, but I respond with, 'At least I can feel again.'
There was a time when I was limiting my intake to just 800 calories a day. There were times when I would do that and also purge, leaving me with very little in my system. I can no longer count calories and I'm not sure I will ever be able to do so again comfortably. What I do know is for my body to function 100% I need at least 3,000 calories a day. I get emotional thinking about how much damage I was doing to my body, and have periodically done when I've put everything else in my life first and neglected me. That's what happened the past few months, I was neglecting myself, and ignoring signs of pain because I was so consumed with everything else in my life, and everyone else's pain I didn't feel my own.
As I write this I am remembering the highs and lows of my journey and I am grateful and proud for how far I've come. I am definitely becoming a stronger woman and I even broke up with my therapist. I kept giving her chances, but when she said, 'But Tracy you don't look sick, you still have (she motions to pinching her cheeks) a little, like yeah, you look okay.' RED FLAG. When I told her that was not okay to say she didn't understand how it was bad. She said some other things like, 'I don't see why you don't own a scale' and when I said how Bean didn't love sweets she made that seem like I should take a sign of relief. Don't get me wrong, I saw her for a year and we had some great sessions and I took away many nuggets to help me get through some trauma but right here, right now, I need someone who can help me remember what it is like and appreciate this body I am in.
We are all a work in progress and every day is a chance to make things right with ourselves. I read a self-help book that had 12 steps. One of these steps talked about, 'putting a ring on it'....and not in the way you may think. She was referring to putting a ring on her own finger. The first time I read this book I totally rolled my eyes, but I am rereading this book right now and when I got to that part I felt emotional. So for Mother's Day this year, I bought myself a ring that I will wear on my right hand. This ring is a commitment to myself, my journey and my healing. I am hopeful that when I look at it I will remember my strength and appreciate not only that strength but the woman behind it.
Stay gold
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