Piece by Piece

Well, we did it.  Tuesday marked one year that Bean's been in daycare and one year back to work for me.  I didn't really make much of it but my friend high fives me (my favorite) and says, 'Way to go, that's huge!'  The more I thought about it the more I realized that it really was a big deal.  Being a mom is hard.  Being a stay at home mom is hard.  I can only speak to my experience as a working mom, and damn...it's been hard. Going back to work was something that I wanted to do but also something I had to do.  I felt as though I received some grief from people for going back but the truth is it's not the 90's and money doesn't hold that same value.  First day back I remember one of my fears of having Bean in daycare was that she would begin to think that her teacher was mom since she spent that much more time at school than at home.  I also remember that I didn't cry when I dropped her off on her first day, and for that I felt guil...

One of the hardest things that I have struggled with in mommy-hood has been feeding my sweet Beanie girl.  Now, you may be thinking, well breast feeding IS hard.  I'm sure that is true from what I hear, but I did not ever breastfeed.  Go ahead and mommy shame me, I dare you.   Let me digress for a moment.  Before giving birth to Bean, I felt as though I HAD to breastfeed because that's what society makes you think is the right thing.  Now, for anyone who knows me, I am a rule follower and need to be liked, so naturally one would think that I would choose to breastfeed.  But in all honesty the thought of it made me uncomfortable.  I had heard about the struggles that it had caused for many new moms and knowing myself and my anxiety I didn't know if it was something I even wanted to attempt.  Luckily, I spoke to one of my best friends about this prior to giving birth.  She made me feel a million times better and made me feel like ...

Three years ago today, I took my first steps into a new life; a life in recovery.  Soon, Bean will take her first steps.  Just yesterday I was helping my little girl walk across our yard.  Not too long from now she will not need my hands to help her walk; she will be able to walk on her own.  She may initially be scared.  She will fall, she will get a few bumps and bruises along the way, and she may very well cry, but she will no doubt get back up and keep at it.  That sounds like a metaphor for life in general, and I can vouch that those exact things have happened to me over the past three years. Of course I could tell you what I was wearing as I stepped off of the plane into RDU airport, and damn I was a mix of emotions.  I was so excited to see Stefan again, and damn I was terrified.  What if he didn't like how I looked? What if I relapsed? What if I wasn't strong enough to make it?  The first question shouldn't even be a question becaus...

res·o·lu·tion /ˌrezəˈlo͞oSH(ə)n/ noun 1.   a firm decision to do or not to do something. "she kept her resolution not to see Anne any more" <-- Poor Anne, or maybe she deserved it. So, if you're like me, you may make a New Years resolution each year, keep it for about a month, if that, and then you are back to your old ways.  I can only speak for myself but it's so easy to fall out of a resolution if it hasn't become a habit...so how do we make it a habit?  --Get out of your comfort zone ---Opposite action ----Be disciplined  Ew...those are all pretty terrifying words and actions, but if we can do it, I think we can live happier more fulfilled lives. For me, I have been tossing around a few ideas all of which make me terribly uncomfortable, but I suppose that is what it takes sometimes.  The resolutions that I am thinking about are ones that I believe will make me happier in the coming year.  I'm afraid to share any of them o...

I sometimes feel like a broken record when I write, but there are some feelings and thoughts that are constant.  One thing I feel like I preach and try to work on is not to worry about what others think...well let me tell you, I realized today that I am not doing well in that area. Last night into day I had a truly debilitating migraine.  I was incredibly ill and I felt horrible.  Still, I made an attempt to go to work because, having been the day after a long holiday weekend, I didn't want my colleagues to think I was just extending my weekend.  I didn't think about how it was hard to even walk.  I immediately thought, I don't want them to think poorly of me...yes, I am a freak.  I ended up being at work for a grand total of 15 minutes before leaving and sleeping five hours.   I then proceeded to think about all of the times I pretend to be "cool" but I am so worried about being seen in a poor light.   Here's the truth; I worry way too much...

I said to Stefan the other day, "I need to blog, but I don't feel inspired by anything."  After saying that, I began to realize that I have only felt inspired when I am feeling down, or something sets me off...basically I feel like I am often mad, disappointed, sad etc. when I post and that's not okay.  I rethought about what is inspiring to me and why I felt so uninspired.  The truth is...I am happy.  Truly happy. I made a bold statement in therapy last week and said that I feel the best I have since leaving treatment.  I am going to be even bolder with you and say I feel the best I have since as long as I can remember.  I was meant to be a mom.  Sure, there have been times where I don't know what the heck I'm doing..but let's be honest, does anyone really know?  Giuliana is by far the best audience I have.  She laughs at nearly everything I do, she doesn't get mad when I sing (like some people...I'm looking at you Stefan), she makes me ...

Crying.  It's really the first thing we know how to do.  The second we enter the world, we cry.  Crying is a babies only way to communicate his/her needs until they can talk.  Somewhere along the way, the expressiveness of crying changes from a means of communication to being seen as weakness...any sign of emotion is weak? What a crock of crap. How many times have you seen a child fall down, bang their head, and hear the parent/caregiver say, 'Oh, you're fine.'?  I have heard that plenty of times, and I am guilty of saying it myself.  Someone once told me, if you draw attention to it they are going to think they should cry...um, looking back that's just dumb.  I mean, I understand what he said, but for us to imply that a child who falls face first on the cement is fine, we have another thing coming.   Is that where it starts?  A comment like that that makes us start to stuff our feelings?  It's so hard to be vulnerable and expre...

As you, the reader, already know, I have struggled with an eating disorder for over a decade.  It is only now, as I am strong in my recovery, that I recognize the impact that a mental illness and/or addiction can have on your family and friends.  It is only now that I see others struggle, I feel the pain, and anger I may have caused many of you...and for that here is this apology. Please note that over the past 12 years I have made plenty of memories and moments of clarity.  The following apologies are for when I was at my sickest.  I am not my eating disorder; these behaviors were not me. Dear family and friends, I'm sorry that I was not fully present in moments of great joy and sadness.   I'm sorry that while you were making memories, I was so sick I knew I wouldn't remember. I'm sorry I drove when I didn't eat. For blacking out on the drive, and being grateful I made it home alive. I'm sorry if I was selfish. I'm sorry I manipulated you int...

Our words matter.  What we say to others has an impact; what we say to ourselves has an even bigger impact.  I have found that in my life I am always eager to make sure I am making everybody else happy.  I find myself worried most nights about interactions that I had throughout the day, ‘Did they take what I said the wrong way?’, ‘Why didn’t ___ say hi to me?’ etc.  I know many friends and acquaintances who have expressed the same anxieties. No doubt we need to be kind to others , but we cannot neglect ourselves along the way. The things that we tell ourselves on a daily basis are so important.  I’ve always heard about the power of words but I don’t think I ever truly believed the impact until recently. Before giving birth to Giuliana, I would say everyday how healthy she was and would continue to be, I would also say how a position at a library closer to home would open up and I would get it. All of these things came to be true. Would these things have ...

I was inspired today by a close friend of mine.  It was something she posted on Instagram, a quote, a game-changer.  The quote said, "...the question isn't so much, 'Are you parenting the right way?' as it is 'Are you the adult that you want your child to grow up to be?'"  The only comment I could make was, "Wow".  I haven't read something that deep and true in a long time.  Being a new mom ,it really struck a cord with me. Prior to being a parent, I felt like it was easy to say, "If I was a mom I'd do [insert something parent related here]" or "I'm not going to let my child do XY&Z"...and then you become a parent and everything you thought you had figured out is out the window.  Parenting is easily the hardest and most gratifying thing I have ever done.  I have done hard things before and I have felt rewarded in life, but never at the same time...until now.  Before you roll your eyes, I understand that I h...

I remember upon leaving treatment I felt liberated.  When you are focusing on yourself, and only yourself for, in my case for 57 days, you are bound to discover/rediscover things about yourself.  I had never been so sure of myself than I did once I got back home from Arizona.  Somewhere along the way I lost sight of who I was, and with that, whatever confidence I had, had dwindled down to nothing.   At my most recent therapy session there was a brief discussion about being confident and how we are drawn to people who are confident (as long as they aren't cocky).  Since that appointment, I have tried to walk a little taller and find something each day that I like about myself.   Now, I have certainly had days where I simply was too preoccupied to do such tasks...aka I'm making excuses.  I certainly have had 1 spare minute of the day to think about something I like about myself, I just merely didn't do it.  Despite not bei...