The hardest part
One of the hardest things that I have struggled with in mommy-hood has been feeding my sweet Beanie girl. Now, you may be thinking, well breast feeding IS hard. I'm sure that is true from what I hear, but I did not ever breastfeed. Go ahead and mommy shame me, I dare you.
Let me digress for a moment.
Before giving birth to Bean, I felt as though I HAD to breastfeed because that's what society makes you think is the right thing. Now, for anyone who knows me, I am a rule follower and need to be liked, so naturally one would think that I would choose to breastfeed. But in all honesty the thought of it made me uncomfortable. I had heard about the struggles that it had caused for many new moms and knowing myself and my anxiety I didn't know if it was something I even wanted to attempt. Luckily, I spoke to one of my best friends about this prior to giving birth. She made me feel a million times better and made me feel like I shouldn't feel bad about it...I needed to do what was right for me; and I did. Now I know there are still some moms who think less of me because we live in a judgmental world and whatever, that's fine. If you are someone who is struggling with the decisions to breastfeed or not to breastfeed, do what makes you feel comfortable. There is no shame in any of it. You are going to be a great mom regardless! And while I'm on the subject of mom shaming, don't you dare ever shame another woman for having a c-section. There are some days where I feel bad that I couldn't deliver vaginally, but you know what... hearing my sweet girl's heart rate drop so low every time I pushed, I know I had no choice.
Wow, that was quite a rant and digression...sorry about that...but yeah, no mommy shaming people.
In any case, it has been so hard for me to feed my child. Now let me just get it out there that I have never withheld food from my child, nor would I. Working with my therapist and dietitian I have learned a lot about babies and feeding and I have also learned that you cannot overfeed a baby. They are so intuitive and know when they are hungry and when they are full. This concept completely blows my mind because I have no idea how to do that. How could she know when she's full if a grown adult can't? Well, she just does. There have been times when feeding her, that she'll scream for more and I think, 'How could she possibly still be hungry' and then I begin to get anxious and think, 'I'm overfeeding her.' It's especially hard when people make comments about her size. Now my wise mind knows that she is perfect and right where she needs to be. However, when people say how big she is I immediately project my body issues on her. She's overweight, she has an unhealthy relationship with food, we are over feeding her, etc. There are days that she doesn't eat enough and cries after we put her to bed. My brain immediately panics and thinks if we feed her she will rely on this food every night and never go to sleep on her own again.
When preparing for a child, I think I was pretty calm and thinking I would take things as they came and it would be fine. Had I known how much anxiety I would have over feeding her I would have asked for more help sooner. I am truly lucky to have a strong professional team as support, as well as Stefan. I worry so much and sometimes I get lost in my worry. Instead of enjoying the times with Bean, I am worried about her size. Living with an eating disorder sucks and it sucks even more when I'm projecting my shit on her. I don't want her to struggle the way I have and do, and I'm still figuring out how to do that.
My sweet girl is pure perfection and I do everything I can to remember that, but shit, some days it's hard.
Let me digress for a moment.
Before giving birth to Bean, I felt as though I HAD to breastfeed because that's what society makes you think is the right thing. Now, for anyone who knows me, I am a rule follower and need to be liked, so naturally one would think that I would choose to breastfeed. But in all honesty the thought of it made me uncomfortable. I had heard about the struggles that it had caused for many new moms and knowing myself and my anxiety I didn't know if it was something I even wanted to attempt. Luckily, I spoke to one of my best friends about this prior to giving birth. She made me feel a million times better and made me feel like I shouldn't feel bad about it...I needed to do what was right for me; and I did. Now I know there are still some moms who think less of me because we live in a judgmental world and whatever, that's fine. If you are someone who is struggling with the decisions to breastfeed or not to breastfeed, do what makes you feel comfortable. There is no shame in any of it. You are going to be a great mom regardless! And while I'm on the subject of mom shaming, don't you dare ever shame another woman for having a c-section. There are some days where I feel bad that I couldn't deliver vaginally, but you know what... hearing my sweet girl's heart rate drop so low every time I pushed, I know I had no choice.
Wow, that was quite a rant and digression...sorry about that...but yeah, no mommy shaming people.
In any case, it has been so hard for me to feed my child. Now let me just get it out there that I have never withheld food from my child, nor would I. Working with my therapist and dietitian I have learned a lot about babies and feeding and I have also learned that you cannot overfeed a baby. They are so intuitive and know when they are hungry and when they are full. This concept completely blows my mind because I have no idea how to do that. How could she know when she's full if a grown adult can't? Well, she just does. There have been times when feeding her, that she'll scream for more and I think, 'How could she possibly still be hungry' and then I begin to get anxious and think, 'I'm overfeeding her.' It's especially hard when people make comments about her size. Now my wise mind knows that she is perfect and right where she needs to be. However, when people say how big she is I immediately project my body issues on her. She's overweight, she has an unhealthy relationship with food, we are over feeding her, etc. There are days that she doesn't eat enough and cries after we put her to bed. My brain immediately panics and thinks if we feed her she will rely on this food every night and never go to sleep on her own again.
When preparing for a child, I think I was pretty calm and thinking I would take things as they came and it would be fine. Had I known how much anxiety I would have over feeding her I would have asked for more help sooner. I am truly lucky to have a strong professional team as support, as well as Stefan. I worry so much and sometimes I get lost in my worry. Instead of enjoying the times with Bean, I am worried about her size. Living with an eating disorder sucks and it sucks even more when I'm projecting my shit on her. I don't want her to struggle the way I have and do, and I'm still figuring out how to do that.
My sweet girl is pure perfection and I do everything I can to remember that, but shit, some days it's hard.
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