Piece by Piece

There you were just sitting there.  Staring at me.  Calling my name, enticing me.  'Shut up, I can't', I say.   But you were insistent, 'It'll be fine.  You will go to the gym and you'll feel better about it.'   'No, I can't. I want to, but I'm scared, and going to the gym will not help.  Trust me I WANT to, but he won't let me.' What you just read is a conversation that I have in my head.  I used to have this conversation hourly, then daily, but now it's only every so often.  And the subject of the conversation does vary, today it was with a cookie.  A glorious sugar cookie with frosting and sprinkles was my enemy today.  I hated every second.  All I wanted was to eat that freaking cookie, and I didn't...why? because my eating disorder was shouting loud today telling me I couldn't, and I obeyed.   What's the worse that would have happened?  I would have felt guilty for a while, but I would have enjoyed every...

My heart began to race as my mind was flooding with images of the past.  There I was, another sleepless night, wide awake, reflecting on some memories.  The setting this time was the apartment we lived in our senior year of college.  I thought, that was eight years ago...where did the time go.  At that moment, my anxiety began to surface.  This particular memory led me to think about how quickly time goes by and about how precious our time here on earth is.  We truly do not know when our life is going to end.  We do not know where we will end up, we just walk out on faith and hope for the best.  I also developed feelings of guilt; I've made such great memories over the course of my life, and for 1/3 of my life I let my negative feelings dictate my time here. I've been surrounded by tragedy in the last few months, both personally, affecting people I love and mentally, by the media.  There are so many horrible things that are occurring in t...

Goals.  Many people have them, some people achieve them, others don't, some give up everything not worrying about the consequences, some do everything possible and don't get the outcome they expected...but they get a lot more then they ever dreamed of.  I've know friends who have dreamed of becoming wealthy through work, others who have dreamed of getting married and having a family, getting a degree.  So many people with such passion and ambition; and then there's me. For the past 10 years I achieved much, I got a BA and a Masters, have been blessed with a great career, got married, moved and am finally settling down as we prepare to start a family.  All of these amazing things, none of which were my life goals (or so I thought), my goal for 10 years was to be skinny. At points, I starved myself, I overexercised, I binged and purged, and sometimes I did all of these things.  I had no energy for life, I was irritable, I avoided many social gatherings, I abuse...

Timing is everything.  I have had a difficult time with recovery.  My body image has been shit, I've relapsed.  Yet I have still found some strength to maintain my recovery.   In the time of my recent struggles I received a message from a friend on Facebook.  The message was one of the kindest messages I've ever received.  In sum this mess thanked me for my courage to share my story, as well as thanking me for inspiring her.  If you don't know me, I am an extremely emotional person, so of course after reading this message I began to cry.  I never thought of myself as being an inspiration for anyone, and receiving this message was very humbling and eye opening.   You truly never know who you will have an impact on, and for that reason I think that it is important to be true to who you are as a person, and to be honest about your struggles and victories.  I am truly grateful for that message I received and for my friend who had ...

It's pretty safe to say, that when I was in my eating disorder, I was never really present in moments with my friends and family.  My mind was so consumed with food; restricting my food, when I could purge, how many calories have I had so far.  My head was so filled with these thoughts that I never enjoyed the little moments with my loved ones.  Additionally, I was often too weak to hold/carry my nieces for long periods of time.  I lacked patience, was irritable, and not being mindful of our time together. Fast forward to last week. My sister and my nieces took a trip to visit my husband and I.  I can gladly say that this was the first time in probably years that I enjoyed nearly every second of their visit.  I wasn't worried about what I was eating, what I looked like, and I had enough energy to run around, play with and carry my nieces.  I have been struggling a lot lately with my meal plan, and my body image.  I think it's important for m...

I've been lying to you all, and to myself.  A part of me hopes that when I write a blog post about being strong, not worrying about what the scale says, and how great I feel dancing or running that maybe I will believe I am overcoming.  I am not as strong as I make it seem.  Again, I find myself wearing a mask, a comforting tool I've used for at least 10 years now.  A mask that hides who I really am and what I really feel. I've worn this mask for so long I've don't know how to take it off...scratch that, I know how to take it off, I am just scared of what others will see....what I will see.  I have lost my identity and now I am feeling just as lost as ever. I've found myself restricting.  I've found myself hugging the toilet bowl after meals.  I've found myself sleeping too much, and enjoying life too little.  I've once again found myself feeling alone, scared and hopeless. I hope that one day soon I will open my eyes again and get a glimpse o...

Cellulite is something that I have always had.  I even had it when I was at my lowest weight in my adult years.  I know plenty of people that also have cellulite, even the thinnest people.  I feel that the media associates cellulite as being a 'fat person' thing as well as a negative.  Due to this portrayal that society publicizes it leaves many women feeling insecure about said cellulite. These insecurities can lead women to use creams or receive treatment to minimize the appearance of cellulite.  I have been extremely insecure about my cellulite and I have had conversations with others that also find themselves insecure about their cellulite.  I understand how the appearance can appear 'unattractive', however, most women have cellulite, so why not celebrate cellulite?! Recently, Ashley Graham, 'curvy ' model, was attacked for a picture of her with her 'cellulite city'. Confident and beautiful Graham responded to these trolls with, 'Someone once to...

Hate is a strong word, and I don't like using it because of the power it has.  So in this post, I am going to share with you some of my least favorite things. Scales.  These 'instruments for weighing' have only caused stress to those who dislike the digital number that appears once they step on it.  Society and the media have put so much emphasis on how low our weight should be, by glamorizing rail thin models, actresses etc.  Those that are genetically predisposed to an eating disorder can easily fall victim to a number.  I know that I have...and even when I was at my lowest weight in my eating disorder it still was not low enough.  To what extent are we willing to go to meet our 'goals'.  Once we hit that 'goal', do we only set a new goal to achieve.  Risks include screwing up our metabolism, lowering our heart rate, feeling weak, feeling empty, and sometimes even death.  Even those of us who are not genetically predisposed can find that ...

A few weeks ago a friend of mine invited me to join her and a bunch of our friends to go and do zumba.  I had done zumba a few times before and remembered getting frustrated with it, but I figured why not?  So every Monday and a few other days during the week I am enjoying doing zumba both with friends and with strangers.  While I am not the best dancer in the world, I am having the time of my life each week!  I find my body feeling a healthy exhaustion, and smiling the whole time!  I have not only been having a good time and have noticed my body getting stronger...I think I'm even getting a booty! In addition to getting my dance on I went to the gym for the first time in months.  I was a little scared going in to the gym.  I know that I have gained weight and I was scared to see some of the people that I haven't seen since being home from treatment.  I got over that quickly when I was able to run the most that I have in a long time, and I felt ...

Why today sucked: I felt fat.   I felt ugly. I tried on shorts that used to be big and I could barely button them. I had to stick to my meal plan despite not feeling hungry I went shopping and was forced to buy a size that seemed absurd. My rabbit continues to ruin our furniture. Our cats can't get along. Why today was great: I made people laugh. I relaxed on the couch....and was surrounded by our 3 fur babies. I rode my bike. I went for a walk. I was able to afford to buy new clothes for my changing body. Our neighbor gave us vegetables from the garden. I got to see my family via Facetime. My husband told me I was beautiful. We ate dinner together. The Cavs won game 7. --That's just the short list-- When today started, I was upset because of clothes not fitting.  It's so easy to take one thing and turn it into, my life sucks, this is the worst day ever, woe is me.  It's hard to look at the good things that happen on a daily basis...but when you ...

I have struggled a lot this past week and today is the first day that I am feel really great!  Whenever I am struggling with body image I try to focus on not what my body looks like, but what it does for me. This sounds great coming out of a therapists mouth, however, it is much harder to do when all you want to do is change everything about your body.   I have had an eyeopening experience recently in which I am truly grateful for my body.  I remember when I would workout in the past it took everything that I had to get through a workout.  I would try to hit x amount of calories burned, or a certain distance, all while hoping that I wouldn't pass out. Today as I was running I was grateful for how I felt after.  Sure, I was sweaty and tired, but it was a different kind of tired.  Not a I need to lay down before I pass out from not enough food in my system, but a healthy fatigue in which I am exhausted but am grateful to be.   I cannot guarantee that...

So yesterday was already a hard day and then I found the sweetest, yet most ignorant person since I've been home.   It is extremely beneficial to someone in recovery to have a number of people to act as a support team.  I have a number of my friends from treatment and at home to support me, but I was also hoping to find an Eating Disorders Anonymous group.  Unfortunately we do not have any in the area so instead it was recommended to try Over eaters Anonymous (OA), a program that welcomes people with a number of different eating disorders.   I got to the location of the OA meeting, but needed help finding the room.  I found a sweet woman to ask... Me:  Do you know where room 126 is?  There is a meeting in it and I'm not familiar with the building. Woman:  Well, what is the meeting you are looking for? Me: Over eaters Anonymous. Woman: (looks me up and down) Yeah, cause you need that meeting.  They can teach you how to eat. (laughs...

'Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened." Dr. Seuss #nailedit Good ol' Dr. Seuss nails it again!  I was reading my daily devotional and this is the quote that it had as a precursor for the daily goal.  All that I can say was that this quote was absolutely perfect for my feelings yesterday.  We have all had to make decisions in our life both big and small.  After we've made those decsions we may dwell on the thought, 'Was that the right decision?'  Well, this is how I've been feeling a lot. After much thought I have decided to resign from my position as a Children's Librarian.  This job has had many rewards, especially seeing the joy on the children's faces during story time or at a program. I have also made some incredible friends at this job, friendships that I believe will last a lifetime. My work had a lot of rewards and also a lot of stress (as do most jobs), and having struggled with severe anxiety and panic attacks,...

Often times we find ourselves saying negative things about ourselves.  A simple example, you may make a mistake and say, 'I'm so stupid'.  Or in a more serious case we may say, 'I am such a screw up, I can't do anything right, I'll never amount to anything.'  No matter how 'minor' or severe, the things we tell ourselves are implanted in our brains and in some cases we start to believe them, whether or not they are true. DISCLAIMER:  They are usually false Suffering from anxiety, depression, and an eating disorder my lies became my truths.  I have a doom or gloom mindset; I think life is never going to get better, so why is it worth living; I am forgettable; I'm fat, ugly, worthless etc. So, what happens when these so called truths become challenged by those around us? Today was my final day in Intensive Outpatient treatment, and before you bid farewell the other patients and staff take the time to say nice things about the departing patient...

If anyone asked me how I would spend 2016, I would have responded with working, finding a home, starting a family and maybe a little traveling...Well it is 2016 and I can say that none of this has happened.  I have spent most of 2016 in treatment for an eating disorder.  Due to this unexpected detour in life all of the things I've had 'planned' have been put on the back burner...in some ways I am resentful and feeling guilty, in other ways I am grateful. I am a person who becomes consumed with guilt over pretty much everything. Treatment is no exception.  I am guilty because of the cost of treatment.  The money that was spent could have been put towards a house, or bills or maybe even a vacation, instead it has gone to my treatment.  WARNING: this is my eating disorder talking.  I am resentful towards myself because I gave in.  I sat on a couch and cried out to my husband declaring that I needed help...but I was doing so well!  I was working t...