Goodbye Size 2

Goals.  Many people have them, some people achieve them, others don't, some give up everything not worrying about the consequences, some do everything possible and don't get the outcome they expected...but they get a lot more then they ever dreamed of.  I've know friends who have dreamed of becoming wealthy through work, others who have dreamed of getting married and having a family, getting a degree.  So many people with such passion and ambition; and then there's me.
For the past 10 years I achieved much, I got a BA and a Masters, have been blessed with a great career, got married, moved and am finally settling down as we prepare to start a family.  All of these amazing things, none of which were my life goals (or so I thought), my goal for 10 years was to be skinny.

At points, I starved myself, I overexercised, I binged and purged, and sometimes I did all of these things.  I had no energy for life, I was irritable, I avoided many social gatherings, I abused alcohol to forget everything, I cut myself to numb the pain.   I suppressed all of my emotions and only turned to my most reliable companion...my eating disorder.  No matter how far I pushed myself to be skinny, I never achieved my goal.  I woke up everyday never feeling good enough, hating myself and feeling like a failure.  I was blind to the blessings that I had in my life.  Things got so bad, I was not only on my way to my 'goal' but I was also on the path of self destruction.

I'm not sure what happened that winter morning but I woke up and realized I was killing myself...I didn't want to live like this, this isn't who I am...or who I think I am or was...or could be.  Going into treatment was scary, but also quite necessary.  I certainly gained weight in recovery, and am still working towards acceptance of this body, but I also gained insight into who I am.

Today, I finally tried on some of my 'sick' pants.  I knew that they wouldn't fit me, and I guess a part of me was hopeful that they would fit.  Of course I can no longer fit into a size 2.  All that 'hard work' out the window.  But the funny thing is I really don't care.  Trying to work towards being skinny was not work at all, it was heartbreaking.  I've done hard work in recovery.  Every day is work.  Every meal I choose to eat is work.  Trying on old clothes that can't get past my butt, but still feeling okay with myself is difficult but so necessary.  I need to look at the bright side of things.  I am healthy, I don't feel like shit everyday, I have an ass (holla), and I finally am starting to feel happy with who I am.

I certainly still am working towards complete acceptance of my body, and while I working on that I am discovering more of who I am.  Here is what I have discovered about myself so far:  I LOVE the color pink, I really enjoy fashion and am finally buying things I like, not things I think other people will like me in, I enjoy wearing lipstick (never touched it before) I am quirky, I am a girly girl in some ways, but don't mind getting dirty.  I am strong emotionally, I love big, I will forever find the good in people (despite what they think of me)...Finally I've learned, I do enough and I AM ENOUGH.

Today, my goal is to find a new job that I love, continue building my relationship with my husband, working towards buying a home and starting a family.  There will certainly be some bumps along the way and I may not know where the road will take me, but I am certain that wherever it takes me I will go with confidence, passion, love and of course something pink ;)