Piece by Piece

How many of you make a New Years resolution and stick to it for a month and then quit? I am so guilty of this. Last year, I said I was going to write a book. I was super confident that I would do it, but when it got to be the summer and I hadn't touched it I realized it wasn't going to happen. While I do believe that there is a book somewhere inside of me, I also recognize that that resolution may have been a little too much for me for that stage of my life. 2019 posed to be a challenging one for me emotionally and socially. People that I am close to have struggled with their health, from chronic pain, to a recent cancer diagnosis. I have given a lot with some relationships and haven't received much in return. I know that I have probably left people feeling this way about me, and for that I am sorry. People come in and out of our lives and the ones that are meant to stay forever will. I ended the year feeling extremely empty and a little broken so for 202...

If I posted the pictures that I took of Bean today, one would think that we had the best day ever and I have such a sweet baby.  Here is the truth, today was hard, and Bean can be sweet when she wants to be.  Today wasn't one of those days (for the most part).  A day like today prompted crying, a timeout and a beer...all of those were for me.  Very few people prepare you for what it's really going to be like to be a mom, and then boom you're living it. I almost had a complete breakdown while driving today as my child screamed in the backseat.  I knew the only thing I could do was reach out to one of my best friends to help me out.  Very rarely do people tell the world of social media how much of a hot mess their child was that day but I knew that my friend would keep it real for me.  When you are out in public and your child pitches a fit for no good reason (at least not to you) and other people stare and make comments, it makes you feel like there ...

Well, we did it.  Tuesday marked one year that Bean's been in daycare and one year back to work for me.  I didn't really make much of it but my friend high fives me (my favorite) and says, 'Way to go, that's huge!'  The more I thought about it the more I realized that it really was a big deal.  Being a mom is hard.  Being a stay at home mom is hard.  I can only speak to my experience as a working mom, and damn...it's been hard. Going back to work was something that I wanted to do but also something I had to do.  I felt as though I received some grief from people for going back but the truth is it's not the 90's and money doesn't hold that same value.  First day back I remember one of my fears of having Bean in daycare was that she would begin to think that her teacher was mom since she spent that much more time at school than at home.  I also remember that I didn't cry when I dropped her off on her first day, and for that I felt guil...

One of the hardest things that I have struggled with in mommy-hood has been feeding my sweet Beanie girl.  Now, you may be thinking, well breast feeding IS hard.  I'm sure that is true from what I hear, but I did not ever breastfeed.  Go ahead and mommy shame me, I dare you.   Let me digress for a moment.  Before giving birth to Bean, I felt as though I HAD to breastfeed because that's what society makes you think is the right thing.  Now, for anyone who knows me, I am a rule follower and need to be liked, so naturally one would think that I would choose to breastfeed.  But in all honesty the thought of it made me uncomfortable.  I had heard about the struggles that it had caused for many new moms and knowing myself and my anxiety I didn't know if it was something I even wanted to attempt.  Luckily, I spoke to one of my best friends about this prior to giving birth.  She made me feel a million times better and made me feel like ...

As I laid my head down on my pillow last night, I knew that I made it another day without anyone asking me what I ate.  To my eating disorder brain this is amazing.  I didn't have to tell anyone that I didn't eat, that I skipped most of my needed intake for the day.  The Tracy I've been slowly losing shouted from the depths of my body that something was wrong.  I closed my eyes and listened to the white noise of our air purifier, felt the softness of my sheets, and the rapid beating of my heart.  Another anxiety attack?  No, this was a different kind of racing, it was the racing I have felt before when my heart was doing too much work.  I literally thought, I could be having a heart attack.  I tossed and turned 90% of the night and when I did sleep, I dreamt of all the things I do wrong...all the imperfections I have; the imperfect person I am. For weeks now I have been walking a slippery slope in recovery.  My anxiety has increased, my att...

I said to Stefan the other day, "I need to blog, but I don't feel inspired by anything."  After saying that, I began to realize that I have only felt inspired when I am feeling down, or something sets me off...basically I feel like I am often mad, disappointed, sad etc. when I post and that's not okay.  I rethought about what is inspiring to me and why I felt so uninspired.  The truth is...I am happy.  Truly happy. I made a bold statement in therapy last week and said that I feel the best I have since leaving treatment.  I am going to be even bolder with you and say I feel the best I have since as long as I can remember.  I was meant to be a mom.  Sure, there have been times where I don't know what the heck I'm doing..but let's be honest, does anyone really know?  Giuliana is by far the best audience I have.  She laughs at nearly everything I do, she doesn't get mad when I sing (like some people...I'm looking at you Stefan), she makes me ...

Intuition.  I have it.  When I'm tired, I think 'I need a nap' or 'I need to slow down'.  If I'm running and I have my breathing down, I know I can do more.  I can pretty quickly give advice or input to the best of my ability by listening to what's in my heart.  When it comes to eating...I have no idea if I am hungry or full.  I do not know how to intuitive eat.  You may roll your eyes at this, and think, 'How could someone not know?'  That's a great question, but I really don't know. I have continued to lose weight.  I sat in my session and told my dietitian, 'I feel like I'm trying really hard.  I'm eating everything I should'.  I truly believe this to be true.  I feel frustrated.  I eat and I lose weight, I don't eat and I lose weight...what is happening?  I was diagnosed, later in my session, that I am a mechanical eater.  I eat what I think I'm supposed to eat, when I'm supposed to eat...not necessarily be...

As you, the reader, already know, I have struggled with an eating disorder for over a decade.  It is only now, as I am strong in my recovery, that I recognize the impact that a mental illness and/or addiction can have on your family and friends.  It is only now that I see others struggle, I feel the pain, and anger I may have caused many of you...and for that here is this apology. Please note that over the past 12 years I have made plenty of memories and moments of clarity.  The following apologies are for when I was at my sickest.  I am not my eating disorder; these behaviors were not me. Dear family and friends, I'm sorry that I was not fully present in moments of great joy and sadness.   I'm sorry that while you were making memories, I was so sick I knew I wouldn't remember. I'm sorry I drove when I didn't eat. For blacking out on the drive, and being grateful I made it home alive. I'm sorry if I was selfish. I'm sorry I manipulated you int...

Our words matter.  What we say to others has an impact; what we say to ourselves has an even bigger impact.  I have found that in my life I am always eager to make sure I am making everybody else happy.  I find myself worried most nights about interactions that I had throughout the day, ‘Did they take what I said the wrong way?’, ‘Why didn’t ___ say hi to me?’ etc.  I know many friends and acquaintances who have expressed the same anxieties. No doubt we need to be kind to others , but we cannot neglect ourselves along the way. The things that we tell ourselves on a daily basis are so important.  I’ve always heard about the power of words but I don’t think I ever truly believed the impact until recently. Before giving birth to Giuliana, I would say everyday how healthy she was and would continue to be, I would also say how a position at a library closer to home would open up and I would get it. All of these things came to be true. Would these things have ...

    The first thing we ever know in this world is love.  We are taken care of from the moment we are born, and greeted with cuddles, kisses and hugs from so many people, the love is endless.  When is it that we become corrupted by the outside world and learn how much greed and dislike there is...where does all of the love go?  I refuse to get political, but it breaks my heart that many people view others by titles: democrats, republicans, gay, straight, etc.  Why does it matter?  We are all human beings who want to see the world grow and prosper and live life to the fullest...I've never seen so much hate and I worry about the future for my daughter. Dearest Giuliana, Be YOU-tiful Everyday I tell you, 'You are smart, you are strong and you are beautiful.  Do not ever let anyone convince you otherwise.'  I sit with you each day and talk about our daily plans, latest news, or just life.  Now that you can intentionally smile...

When I was pregnant, I surprisingly had no trouble eating and gaining weight.  It wasn't about me, I was nurturing our baby.  I needed to be healthy in order to take care of her.  Now that I am no longer pregnant, I still need to be healthy to care of G...so why is it so much harder? I've worked so hard the past few years to battle my eating disorder.  I think that because I am no longer in a residential treatment facility, many people think I am magically cured.  This is not the case.  I am still in treatment and see a professional team on a weekly basis to work towards maintaining my recovery.  I too, for a brief moment, felt as though I was 'cured'.  I could do this thing, I am stronger and better than my eating disorder.  Well, I have been reminded that my recovery is a daily struggle.  Everybody has their struggles in life, and for all of us our struggles are daily.   At my first appointment with my dietitian since giv...

Well, it's official; I'm a mom.  Giuliana Marie Bagnato, aka Bean, Giu-Giu, Potato, Bug, G, was born on May 14th.  It's hard to believe that it's been nearly three weeks since she's been born, and man what a whirlwind it has been.  I often stare at our baby girl and get teary eyed as I turn to Stefan and say, 'We made her'.  What an amazing thing conception and birth can be...I am amazed and blown away every single day.   To say that I was fully prepared for motherhood is not true by any means.  I think I could've said I was prepared, but in all honesty, nothing can really prepare you for the emotions you will feel, the ups and downs, the adjustment to a new addition to the family, and the struggle for adaptation.  After the past 16 days, I am certainly no expert, nor do I think I will be.  However, I can provide you with straight up honesty with what I have learned so far. 1.  Nobody told me prior to birth that not only would G c...

I am an emotion stuffer.  I constantly stuff my feelings about many things, and then when I am emotionally full, I will erupt and emotionally vomit all over myself....or Stefan.  I can say that, without a doubt, I have been this way for a really long time.  I don't like expressing my emotions, particularly the bad ones, and when I do, I apologize for them.  I am a really good actress; a majority of the time one would never know that I am in emotional turmoil often...I put on my happy face, stuff, and that is that.   Can you relate to this? I know many people who I have talked to when they are feeling down, frustrated or what have you.  They too apologize for crying, talking about something etc.  I can easily tell them, 'It's okay, you shouldn't apologize for your emotions...if it's how you feel, then feel it.' Why is it so much easier for us to dole out advice than to practice it. Some things that I get emotional about involve my l...

It's been a little while since I've posted.  I've had so many thoughts flooding my mind, but nothing that I couldn't start to write about without getting writers block.  I've been writing in my journal a lot to help with my anxiety and so this post is from a recent journal entry. I recently started seeing a new therapist, something I was adamant about.  I feel like I've shared my story with more than a couple, and each time I've never truly felt like I connected and found any success.  In only my first two meetings with my new therapist I feel like we will make a lot more progress than I have in the past. In my my recent session we finished up my assessment.  At the end of the assessment she asked what my goals were.  In no particular order I said: Self love, improved body image, having a healthy relationship with food, and to work on minimizing my people pleasing/caring so much what others think ( a constant source of anxiety ).  Being that we wer...