Suicide Prevention Awareness Month

I recently did a display at work to highlight Suicide Prevention Awareness Month and have received a lot of great feedback. Someone near and dear to my heart said, 'Wish I saw more of this as a young adult - would have made me feel less alone'. And I couldn't agree more. I speak candidly about my mental health struggles, including my anxiety and history of an eating disorder, but I rarely share my depression, self-harm, and suicidal ideation.

I remember the first time I cut myself. I couldn't tell you how old I was; I just remember breaking a snow globe and using the shattered glass. Self-harm wasn't talked about when I was growing up, you just knew people who did it because people would gossip, but that was it. Mental illness and mental health were not a thing people talked about openly. I cut for many years, mainly because it made me feel. I struggled to cover up some of the marks; until recently, I could see the scars. If I look hard enough, I can see them, but I'm done searching. The first time Stefan kissed me is something I will never forget; he was holding my hand and saw the marks on my wrist. I remember him rubbing his thumb across the cuts and whispering, 'oh my gosh'. Or something to that effect. Unfortunately, it isn't necessarily the kiss I remember, but the way he spoke made me realize that somebody cared about me, maybe I was worth something.

I struggled with self-worth and feeling like I was not good enough for as long as I could remember. That self-loathing I experienced is what made me harm myself. I thought many times throughout my life that everyone around me and I would, in fact, be better off dead. I never thought I had attempted suicide, but as I was writing this, a memory came to me; I did. I won't go into the details because that is not important; what is essential is that I am still here. 

I've made so much progress regarding my mental health in recent years, but I still have my down moments. I have so much to be grateful for, but being in this world is hard. I choose to get out of bed every day, spend time with my family, work as hard as possible, and be kind to every person I meet. Everyone has their shit, and if I can make even one person feel not so alone, I am happy.

Everything is temporary and will pass in time. You matter, I matter, everyone has a story to tell, and that is why we need you here. We can all make a difference in the lives of others, but to do so, we need to be here. The world can be a scary place. A place where you are bullied, bruised, defeated, scared, etc. As lonely as the world can feel, you are not alone. Find someone you can talk to; if not someone in your circle, contact the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988.