Piece by Piece

Who would have thought 11 months ago that we would be where we are today. I rang in the New Year eating delicious food, drinking spiked hot chocolate and seeing an amazing light display with a dear friend. As many folks did, I had high hopes for 2020.  Unfortunately, this year has quite possibly been the worst year I've had in a long time, possibly ever. From the world living through a pandemic and the emotional toll that has had, witnessing pure hatred in our very own country, to a more personal struggle relapsing with both my eating disorder and trichotillomania and losing my father to cancer, this year was emotionally and mentally exhausting. Now this is not a post for a pity party, this is a post about perspective and seeing the good in the bad. Take-aways from 2020 As I have expressed in my most recent post, my dad was a good man, who of course had his faults as we all do, but he lived life to the best of his ability and gave what he could when he could. He was also suffering....

I am always preaching that it's great to be vulnerable, but the thing I am about to share is terrifying. I've been thinking about it for a few days, and then this morning I was watching a TV show and their main topic for discussion was being vulnerable...so I took that as a sign. I brought this topic up in therapy on Wednesday and my therapist asked, 'Why now? why are you bringing this up today?' She didn't say it to be an asshole, I knew exactly what she meant. I responded, 'It's just been really bad lately, and I don't know how to fix it.' She then reminded me of all the bullshit that's happened the last few months... and I thought touché. In any case, I have struggled with Trichtotillomania for about 16 years. If you are not familiar with the term, Trichtotillomania is, "A disorder that involves recurrent, irresistible urges to pull out body hair." I recall my first urges when I was a Freshman/Sophomore in High Schoo...

She lives her life behind a mask. And in the off chance that someone asks, she replies, 'I'm good, I'm great, I'm fine.' They ask out of obligation, not because they care. The rest of the world around her is so distracting, it doesn't quite seem fair. Everyone's got their issues, and I've got mine too, but if you stopped to ask sincerely,  think of what you might hear? 'It seems that you are too preoccupied with someone who is getting high;  you don't seem to try to notice struggle right in front of your eyes.' 'I don't think you really care about my recovery...you're more concerned with what weight YOU think you should be.' You told her you don't want to ask her because you don't know what to say. Just tell her that you love her, and it will be okay. She lives each day with a check list of all the things she's done. It never even crosses her mind that she should be her number one. Putting...

As I laid my head down on my pillow last night, I knew that I made it another day without anyone asking me what I ate.  To my eating disorder brain this is amazing.  I didn't have to tell anyone that I didn't eat, that I skipped most of my needed intake for the day.  The Tracy I've been slowly losing shouted from the depths of my body that something was wrong.  I closed my eyes and listened to the white noise of our air purifier, felt the softness of my sheets, and the rapid beating of my heart.  Another anxiety attack?  No, this was a different kind of racing, it was the racing I have felt before when my heart was doing too much work.  I literally thought, I could be having a heart attack.  I tossed and turned 90% of the night and when I did sleep, I dreamt of all the things I do wrong...all the imperfections I have; the imperfect person I am. For weeks now I have been walking a slippery slope in recovery.  My anxiety has increased, my att...

Today was a great day.  It was the first day in quite a while that I got to spend the full day with my sweet girl.  Stefan has been terribly sick the past two days, so it was a girls day today. The past few weeks I've been struggling pretty hard with my depression.  I haven't talked about it to many people because a large part of me doesn't want to burden anyone with my 'issues'...so I do what I've always done and stuff.  I told Stefan that Bean was the only reason I felt like getting up in the morning.  The reason for my depression is feeling depleted.  I've been feeling as though I'm giving and giving and not getting much in return.  While feeling this way, I go to pick up Bean from school one day only to hear that my sweet girl was crawling.  I didn't feel anything upon hearing that.  I didn't feel joy, nor did I feel sadness...I was numb.  Now I knew that I would miss the day that Bean would start crawling, or at least I was prepar...

'I speak, because I need to be reminded of these truths' - Jedidiah Jenkins This has been on my heart lately.  It's something that I have been hearing and reading a lot about everywhere, and I feel like it is the universe's way of saying, 'This is what you need to write about'.  I've written many times about how I have lost sight of who I truly was when I was deep in my eating disorder and how I still struggle to find the real Tracy.  So, if you are sick of me babbling on about this, you should probably stop reading.  If you think I may have some helpful insight, carry on my friend. I recently started back doing programming at work, and it's been the best!  I love working with kids and I really feel like I have a strength in building relationships with kids of all ages.  I had a conversation with a little girl and I asked her what her favorite color, how old she was...you know, the basics.  When I asked her if she had a favorite animal, she starte...

Intuition.  I have it.  When I'm tired, I think 'I need a nap' or 'I need to slow down'.  If I'm running and I have my breathing down, I know I can do more.  I can pretty quickly give advice or input to the best of my ability by listening to what's in my heart.  When it comes to eating...I have no idea if I am hungry or full.  I do not know how to intuitive eat.  You may roll your eyes at this, and think, 'How could someone not know?'  That's a great question, but I really don't know. I have continued to lose weight.  I sat in my session and told my dietitian, 'I feel like I'm trying really hard.  I'm eating everything I should'.  I truly believe this to be true.  I feel frustrated.  I eat and I lose weight, I don't eat and I lose weight...what is happening?  I was diagnosed, later in my session, that I am a mechanical eater.  I eat what I think I'm supposed to eat, when I'm supposed to eat...not necessarily be...

When I was pregnant, I surprisingly had no trouble eating and gaining weight.  It wasn't about me, I was nurturing our baby.  I needed to be healthy in order to take care of her.  Now that I am no longer pregnant, I still need to be healthy to care of G...so why is it so much harder? I've worked so hard the past few years to battle my eating disorder.  I think that because I am no longer in a residential treatment facility, many people think I am magically cured.  This is not the case.  I am still in treatment and see a professional team on a weekly basis to work towards maintaining my recovery.  I too, for a brief moment, felt as though I was 'cured'.  I could do this thing, I am stronger and better than my eating disorder.  Well, I have been reminded that my recovery is a daily struggle.  Everybody has their struggles in life, and for all of us our struggles are daily.   At my first appointment with my dietitian since giv...

I recently watched the Netflix documentary, Embrace, and feel so inspired.  If you have never heard of the film, I will give you a brief synopsis.  Five years ago, Taryn Brumfitt, hit the social media network hard with a before and after body post.  It was not a typical before and after we are used to seeing on social media.  Taryn posted a before photo of her body building body, side by side to her post children body, sharing a message of loving and embracing your body. The documentary follows Taryn as she travels to talk to women of all different shapes, sizes, ethnicity and ages to discuss body image.  The end message, embrace your body as it is. https://media4.s-nbcnews.com/j/newscms/2015_19/526481/taryn-brumfitt-image_05c57715545da1ac93abb959899947bb.today-inline-large.jpg In my 30 years of living I've spent less than 1/3 even liking my body.  In fact I've spent most of it being so consumed with how to obtain the perfect body, I wasn't real...

So many ideas are running around and I cannot nail one down...so here is a list of things (in no particular order) that I am thinking. 1.  We live in a society that teaches us to suppress our emotions.  When people decide to break the mold and express themselves, they are greeted with discomfort and a change of subject.  Don't stress this.  Express yourself.  I'm all for any awkward interaction.   2.  We need to be selfish in this life.  At the end of the day, we have ourselves.  Sure, we are surrounded by people that love and care about us, but you are your number one.  Do something for yourself everyday.  Take care of yourself, be kind to yourself and give yourself grace.  3.  Fueling your body, fuels ambition.  When I am deep in my eating disorder, my main goal in life is to get through the day. I put all of my focus on restricting or purging.  When I am successful at one or both I feel accomplished...

I find that we all put so much pressure on ourselves.  Pressure in so many facets; to be the best employee, parent, student, have the most likes, be the best dressed, have the best hair, be the toughest man, the most ladylike woman, the strong one, the pretty one, or just needing to be noticed.  We often feel the pressure to be perfect.   Society has ingrained such high expectations of us as humans, and if we fall short of these expectations, are we failures?  If I don't fit the mold of what makes a 'woman' or a 'man', am I any less of a man/woman?  If I make a mistake on the job, does that make me incompetent?  If I have a stain on a shirt, am I a slob?  If I eat that doughnut, is it going right to my hips?  If I speak up, and I'm a woman, am I bitch? It pains me when I see a world surrounded by unrealistic expectations of a 'good body', fabricated or exaggerated stories to make us feel worthless,  What if we all just were ourse...

Hi, my name is People Pleaser....it's nice to meet you. Anyone else out there a people pleaser?  Come on, I know I'm not the only one.  You're either reading this because you are a people pleaser, or reading it to appease me...like I said you're a people pleaser ;) When I first started my journey in recovery I had a lot of time to spend with me, myself and I. In the past, this was something that even the thought of repulsed me.  Sure, I enjoyed having alone time to read, nap, clean or relax, but I never spent time with myself.  This may sound weird, but have you ever really spent time getting to know yourself?  I am not referring to being alone with your thoughts that feed daily anxiety.  I mean truly acquaint yourself to...well...yourself.  Getting to know your likes and dislikes, feelings about certain 'taboo' topics, etc.  By getting reacquainted with Tracy, I spent less time worrying about pleasing others...I really wanted to remain true t...

The other night I was organizing some photos and I came across a number of photos from when I was a little girl. As I saw these pictures I remembered a chapter that I read in Jenni Schaefer's book, Life without Ed.  The chapter gives an exercise for the reader to try when they are struggling with their eating disorder.  The exercise tells the reader to find a picture of their self when they were little.  After locating a picture, tape it to a mirror that you use often.  Once it is up, she challenges you to try and say the things you say to your present self on a daily basis...more or less it is impossible to do.  I could never look at 'baby Tracy' and call her fat, ugly, stupid etc.  After remembering this exercise, tears filled my eyes and I was inspired.  I do not think I decided to do this photo organization by chance, I think I needed to remember this. This exercise is something that really resonates with me and I think anyone could benefit fr...

Well....2016 is almost over and all I have to say is, 'Good Riddance!'  I think most everyone will agree that we are happy to see 2016 go.  For some reason this past year has been a terrible one for many people.  Social media has erupted with meme's, gifs and videos all declaring that 2016, for lack of better words, sucked. With the conclusion of the year approaching, I like to take some time to reflect on the past year, and as I do so I realize that while it has not been the easiest year personally, I can honestly say that I have learned a lot. We truly never know what someone else is going through:   Often times we walk around with a smile on our face, when inwardly we are feeling low.  This happy exterior is often a shield to protect ourselves from being vulnerable to our emotions and to others.  I think that we as human beings are more alike that we are different.  We all have our 'stuff' to deal with in life; no one is excluded from the...