Piece by Piece

Crying.  It's really the first thing we know how to do.  The second we enter the world, we cry.  Crying is a babies only way to communicate his/her needs until they can talk.  Somewhere along the way, the expressiveness of crying changes from a means of communication to being seen as weakness...any sign of emotion is weak? What a crock of crap. How many times have you seen a child fall down, bang their head, and hear the parent/caregiver say, 'Oh, you're fine.'?  I have heard that plenty of times, and I am guilty of saying it myself.  Someone once told me, if you draw attention to it they are going to think they should cry...um, looking back that's just dumb.  I mean, I understand what he said, but for us to imply that a child who falls face first on the cement is fine, we have another thing coming.   Is that where it starts?  A comment like that that makes us start to stuff our feelings?  It's so hard to be vulnerable and expre...

As you, the reader, already know, I have struggled with an eating disorder for over a decade.  It is only now, as I am strong in my recovery, that I recognize the impact that a mental illness and/or addiction can have on your family and friends.  It is only now that I see others struggle, I feel the pain, and anger I may have caused many of you...and for that here is this apology. Please note that over the past 12 years I have made plenty of memories and moments of clarity.  The following apologies are for when I was at my sickest.  I am not my eating disorder; these behaviors were not me. Dear family and friends, I'm sorry that I was not fully present in moments of great joy and sadness.   I'm sorry that while you were making memories, I was so sick I knew I wouldn't remember. I'm sorry I drove when I didn't eat. For blacking out on the drive, and being grateful I made it home alive. I'm sorry if I was selfish. I'm sorry I manipulated you int...

Our words matter.  What we say to others has an impact; what we say to ourselves has an even bigger impact.  I have found that in my life I am always eager to make sure I am making everybody else happy.  I find myself worried most nights about interactions that I had throughout the day, ‘Did they take what I said the wrong way?’, ‘Why didn’t ___ say hi to me?’ etc.  I know many friends and acquaintances who have expressed the same anxieties. No doubt we need to be kind to others , but we cannot neglect ourselves along the way. The things that we tell ourselves on a daily basis are so important.  I’ve always heard about the power of words but I don’t think I ever truly believed the impact until recently. Before giving birth to Giuliana, I would say everyday how healthy she was and would continue to be, I would also say how a position at a library closer to home would open up and I would get it. All of these things came to be true. Would these things have ...

At a recent meeting for work we watched a TedTalk called, The Lollipop Moment.  I've been under a rock, and have never actually seen a TedTalk prior to this one, but I was grateful that this was my first.  The speaker, Drew Dudley, began the talk by asking how many people in the audience were comfortable calling themselves a leader?  Very few hands went up...and in my head I was trying to rack my brain for moments that I would say I was a leader.  I thought of a few instances from my youth, from previous jobs and my current career...but the keyword there is few.  I, as we all are, am my own worst critic and I often doubt myself and my strengths.  If I could consider a time I felt like I was a leader, I immediately start talking myself out of it, and how it wasn't really true leadership.   Well, Drew shared his story and truly redefined what being a leader is.  In his story he recalled of the time a girl came up to him, years after their enc...

I was inspired today by a close friend of mine.  It was something she posted on Instagram, a quote, a game-changer.  The quote said, "...the question isn't so much, 'Are you parenting the right way?' as it is 'Are you the adult that you want your child to grow up to be?'"  The only comment I could make was, "Wow".  I haven't read something that deep and true in a long time.  Being a new mom ,it really struck a cord with me. Prior to being a parent, I felt like it was easy to say, "If I was a mom I'd do [insert something parent related here]" or "I'm not going to let my child do XY&Z"...and then you become a parent and everything you thought you had figured out is out the window.  Parenting is easily the hardest and most gratifying thing I have ever done.  I have done hard things before and I have felt rewarded in life, but never at the same time...until now.  Before you roll your eyes, I understand that I h...

I remember upon leaving treatment I felt liberated.  When you are focusing on yourself, and only yourself for, in my case for 57 days, you are bound to discover/rediscover things about yourself.  I had never been so sure of myself than I did once I got back home from Arizona.  Somewhere along the way I lost sight of who I was, and with that, whatever confidence I had, had dwindled down to nothing.   At my most recent therapy session there was a brief discussion about being confident and how we are drawn to people who are confident (as long as they aren't cocky).  Since that appointment, I have tried to walk a little taller and find something each day that I like about myself.   Now, I have certainly had days where I simply was too preoccupied to do such tasks...aka I'm making excuses.  I certainly have had 1 spare minute of the day to think about something I like about myself, I just merely didn't do it.  Despite not bei...

Well, it's been a year ago exactly that I came home from treatment.  I spent 57 days isolated from most of the world to focus on treatment, primarily for an eating disorder.  Being that it has been a year, I wanted to write something, anything, to commemorate my time in treatment and my recovery process thereafter.  I feel like I have so many thoughts and feelings right now that this may not make any sense, but I do hope you feel enlightened to read it. My stay in treatment felt like forever, and yet, there are many days I miss it.  I've never in my life been surrounded by people feeling the same feelings, having the same thoughts, and hoping to overcome all at the same time.  I've never had so much time to reflect on my past, what got me to the point of needing treatment, and figuring out who I am and who I want to be.  It is hard in everyday life to find moments of solitude to appreciate yourself, and really nourish yourself.  It's incredibly impor...

Well....2016 is almost over and all I have to say is, 'Good Riddance!'  I think most everyone will agree that we are happy to see 2016 go.  For some reason this past year has been a terrible one for many people.  Social media has erupted with meme's, gifs and videos all declaring that 2016, for lack of better words, sucked. With the conclusion of the year approaching, I like to take some time to reflect on the past year, and as I do so I realize that while it has not been the easiest year personally, I can honestly say that I have learned a lot. We truly never know what someone else is going through:   Often times we walk around with a smile on our face, when inwardly we are feeling low.  This happy exterior is often a shield to protect ourselves from being vulnerable to our emotions and to others.  I think that we as human beings are more alike that we are different.  We all have our 'stuff' to deal with in life; no one is excluded from the...

I wish I could explain the feeling I get when it happens.  I wish I could describe the exact moment it happens and what goes through my head.  Below is my best attempt. There are times, especially around the holidays, when we are presented with lots of parties, and lots of food and festivities.  For someone with an eating disorder it's extremely difficult to be in the same room at these events.  Last year I did my best to avoid them all together.  I was too busy to attend the party, or if I felt as though I had no choice in the matter, I would pull apart my food to make it appeared as though I had eaten.  This year, I stayed in the room.  The first party of the season.  I stayed, I grew anxious, I picked, not ate, I left, I cried.  I cried because I felt like a failure.  I cried because I let Ed win.  He got in my head and caused me to restrict.   For some reason I have not been able to find a happy medium at parties, ...

I just got out of a great session with my therapist and it has sparked a fire inside of me. One thing that I love about going to see my therapist is that I have an unbiased party to speak to and we never know where the conversation is going to go.  Today, we got a little off topic from my initial discussion, but it has opened my eyes.   I am in a place where I am starting to care less and less about what people think. However, I do still make a lot of decisions based on how others will perceive my decision....it's exhausting, and I'm getting sick of it.  Why should I let other people's perspectives and opinions change the way I live my life. There have been a few stories I recalled that I remember people, strangers and acquaintances, who have made snarky comments about me both to my face and behind my back.  To the comments that were made to my face about not valuing my opinion or being too 'nice'...you're ballsy, and also smart, because you knew I wouldn...

The past week I've been on an adventure with my best friend.  We started our journey at a wedding in Arizona, we hiked at Red Rocks in Sedona, saw Sunset Crater, and the Grand Canyon.  We then traveled to Utah where we hiked the Narrows, Emerald Pools and Observation Point at Zion.  From there we made our way to Las Vegas for a relaxing time and the Britney Spears concert.  It sure was an incredible adventure and one that was truly eye opening. This adventure was a truly strenuous one, with so much hiking requiring great endurance.  I am so incredibly proud of myself for being able to do such hard/rewarding work.  As we were on the trails, I often reminded myself of how far I've come on my recovery journey.  I honestly do not think that I would have been able to do so much with as much strength as I had if this was a year ago.  My weight gain in treatment was difficult at first, however, I've been working hard at the gym to build my muscles and ...

I recently read, Rising Strong: The Reckoning, the Rumble, the Revolution  by Brene` Brown, and it's a book I highly recommend.  Brown touches on the idea of being vulnerable, as she has in her previous work Daring Greatly , but in Rising Strong  she shows us the steps to take in order to acknowledge our struggles/disappointments, and how to rise up from them.  Often times we have a difficult time acknowledging our shortcomings, and I am guilty, as I know many others to be, of not admitting when we are wrong.  Brown's research discussed in the book provide the reader with three steps, the reckoning, rumble and revolution.  I will not give a full book review and synopsis here, but rather discuss one quote from the book and how it relates to myself, and I hope you as well. "We don't have to do it all of it alone.  We were never meant to." In sum, we should ask for help from others when we need it.  Growing up, I remember being told by my family ...

My heart began to race as my mind was flooding with images of the past.  There I was, another sleepless night, wide awake, reflecting on some memories.  The setting this time was the apartment we lived in our senior year of college.  I thought, that was eight years ago...where did the time go.  At that moment, my anxiety began to surface.  This particular memory led me to think about how quickly time goes by and about how precious our time here on earth is.  We truly do not know when our life is going to end.  We do not know where we will end up, we just walk out on faith and hope for the best.  I also developed feelings of guilt; I've made such great memories over the course of my life, and for 1/3 of my life I let my negative feelings dictate my time here. I've been surrounded by tragedy in the last few months, both personally, affecting people I love and mentally, by the media.  There are so many horrible things that are occurring in t...

A wise man once said, 'I am what I am, and that's all that I am'.  Yes, by wise man I mean a fictional character who dined on spinach while chewing on a pipe.  Maybe not the most authoritative visionary, but that quote is simple and filled with insight. I have mentioned in my previous posts that being in recovery I have begun to peel some of my layers back and am getting to know myself more and more each day.  Although, I am starting to know myself, I have been surrounded by friends and loved ones that have known who I am for a long while.  I especially want to focus on my friends...let's be honest here, more often than not our family will be there for us because we are just that, family.  Friends, however, can leave if they choose to. I have been extremely blessed to have a lot of friends in my life with whom I know I can confide in anywhere, anytime, any place.  The group of people that I call friends aren't my friends because of anything artificial, ...

While I was in treatment I started making an altered book.  I didn't know what it was until going to treatment, so I will explain it here.  To create an altered book you take a book already in existence and you 'alter' it's form.  You can use magazine clippings, actual photos, and create your own artwork on the pages etc. You are doing what the name suggests, and altering the book from it's original form to a different form and adding your own unique meaning to it as well.   I know...before you go on, you may be thinking, 'What kind of librarian would do such a horrid thing to a book?!'...my answer...ONE BAD ASS LIBRARIAN! Two of the pages in my book I used to create a poem using the method referred to as blackout poetry. To create a blackout poem you find words on the page(s) you are using that have significance to you, or that inspire you....you then take a sharpie marker and blackout the other words on the page so you are left with only those that are...

Jumping out of a plane with a complete stranger on my back.   Going bungee jumping.   Convincing my family to go on crazy thrill rides with me.   No fear of anything ever happening to me.   I was invincible.   Had someone asked me what being fearless meant years ago, even months ago, this most likely would have been my response.   That is until that January morning I sat on my couch and cried.  I wasn’t invincible at all.  I was slowly killing myself, and suddenly, that girl who was so ‘fearless’ was now fearing for her life.  After two months of treatment I realized that being fearless isn’t about any of the above stated items.  Being fearless means waking up every day and living life.  Every time that I choose to eat a meal or a snack that aligns with my meal plan.  Challenging myself and eating ice cream because I want to.  Realizing that even though I relapsed months into recovery, I had the choice to get ...

Goals.  Many people have them, some people achieve them, others don't, some give up everything not worrying about the consequences, some do everything possible and don't get the outcome they expected...but they get a lot more then they ever dreamed of.  I've know friends who have dreamed of becoming wealthy through work, others who have dreamed of getting married and having a family, getting a degree.  So many people with such passion and ambition; and then there's me. For the past 10 years I achieved much, I got a BA and a Masters, have been blessed with a great career, got married, moved and am finally settling down as we prepare to start a family.  All of these amazing things, none of which were my life goals (or so I thought), my goal for 10 years was to be skinny. At points, I starved myself, I overexercised, I binged and purged, and sometimes I did all of these things.  I had no energy for life, I was irritable, I avoided many social gatherings, I abuse...

Timing is everything.  I have had a difficult time with recovery.  My body image has been shit, I've relapsed.  Yet I have still found some strength to maintain my recovery.   In the time of my recent struggles I received a message from a friend on Facebook.  The message was one of the kindest messages I've ever received.  In sum this mess thanked me for my courage to share my story, as well as thanking me for inspiring her.  If you don't know me, I am an extremely emotional person, so of course after reading this message I began to cry.  I never thought of myself as being an inspiration for anyone, and receiving this message was very humbling and eye opening.   You truly never know who you will have an impact on, and for that reason I think that it is important to be true to who you are as a person, and to be honest about your struggles and victories.  I am truly grateful for that message I received and for my friend who had ...

It's pretty safe to say, that when I was in my eating disorder, I was never really present in moments with my friends and family.  My mind was so consumed with food; restricting my food, when I could purge, how many calories have I had so far.  My head was so filled with these thoughts that I never enjoyed the little moments with my loved ones.  Additionally, I was often too weak to hold/carry my nieces for long periods of time.  I lacked patience, was irritable, and not being mindful of our time together. Fast forward to last week. My sister and my nieces took a trip to visit my husband and I.  I can gladly say that this was the first time in probably years that I enjoyed nearly every second of their visit.  I wasn't worried about what I was eating, what I looked like, and I had enough energy to run around, play with and carry my nieces.  I have been struggling a lot lately with my meal plan, and my body image.  I think it's important for m...