Piece by Piece

I have referred to the 'highlight reel' before. For those of you who haven't heard this term before, it is used to refer to pictures that people post on social media; everyone shows their highlight reel, but there is always more to the story...more to their story. Stefan and I recently went on a trip to Charleston to celebrate our wedding anniversary. We had a fabulous time on the beach, eating great food and enjoying some adult beverages. It was also comforting to know that Bean was in great hands with Stefan's parents. A minor digression, anyone who has kids, I cannot stress enough the importance of getting some time away just you and your significant other. It is not only healthy for you as a couple, but it is healthy for your child(ren) as well. In any case we had a great time, I took some great pictures, but as with most pictures there is more to the story. On our second night in Charleston we went to this fabulous bar. We were having a great time...

I was inspired today by a close friend of mine.  It was something she posted on Instagram, a quote, a game-changer.  The quote said, "...the question isn't so much, 'Are you parenting the right way?' as it is 'Are you the adult that you want your child to grow up to be?'"  The only comment I could make was, "Wow".  I haven't read something that deep and true in a long time.  Being a new mom ,it really struck a cord with me. Prior to being a parent, I felt like it was easy to say, "If I was a mom I'd do [insert something parent related here]" or "I'm not going to let my child do XY&Z"...and then you become a parent and everything you thought you had figured out is out the window.  Parenting is easily the hardest and most gratifying thing I have ever done.  I have done hard things before and I have felt rewarded in life, but never at the same time...until now.  Before you roll your eyes, I understand that I h...

I recently watched the Netflix documentary, Embrace, and feel so inspired.  If you have never heard of the film, I will give you a brief synopsis.  Five years ago, Taryn Brumfitt, hit the social media network hard with a before and after body post.  It was not a typical before and after we are used to seeing on social media.  Taryn posted a before photo of her body building body, side by side to her post children body, sharing a message of loving and embracing your body. The documentary follows Taryn as she travels to talk to women of all different shapes, sizes, ethnicity and ages to discuss body image.  The end message, embrace your body as it is. https://media4.s-nbcnews.com/j/newscms/2015_19/526481/taryn-brumfitt-image_05c57715545da1ac93abb959899947bb.today-inline-large.jpg In my 30 years of living I've spent less than 1/3 even liking my body.  In fact I've spent most of it being so consumed with how to obtain the perfect body, I wasn't real...

Size doesn't matter...you CAN have an eating disorder without looking sick. This post is for all of the other girls and guys you are in recovery from an eating disorder, who are in need of gaining weight.  This post is for all of the friends and family in our lives who are interested in better understanding what this is like.   WARNING (this may be too much information a.k.a. TMI):  For a girl with an eating disorder you stop having your monthly friend.  Your hormones are all out of whack and when you are not at a healthy weight, you will not menstruate.  As a person with an eating disorder, male or female, you may suffer from issues with bowel movements, memory, fatigue...etc. When I entered treatment I was terrified.  I knew I needed to get better, but I didn't necessarily want to.  Being required to follow a meal plan that involved 3 meals and 3 snacks seemed absolutely absurd.  If you didn't eat 100% of all of these things, you were offe...

Well, it's been a year ago exactly that I came home from treatment.  I spent 57 days isolated from most of the world to focus on treatment, primarily for an eating disorder.  Being that it has been a year, I wanted to write something, anything, to commemorate my time in treatment and my recovery process thereafter.  I feel like I have so many thoughts and feelings right now that this may not make any sense, but I do hope you feel enlightened to read it. My stay in treatment felt like forever, and yet, there are many days I miss it.  I've never in my life been surrounded by people feeling the same feelings, having the same thoughts, and hoping to overcome all at the same time.  I've never had so much time to reflect on my past, what got me to the point of needing treatment, and figuring out who I am and who I want to be.  It is hard in everyday life to find moments of solitude to appreciate yourself, and really nourish yourself.  It's incredibly impor...

Hi, my name is People Pleaser....it's nice to meet you. Anyone else out there a people pleaser?  Come on, I know I'm not the only one.  You're either reading this because you are a people pleaser, or reading it to appease me...like I said you're a people pleaser ;) When I first started my journey in recovery I had a lot of time to spend with me, myself and I. In the past, this was something that even the thought of repulsed me.  Sure, I enjoyed having alone time to read, nap, clean or relax, but I never spent time with myself.  This may sound weird, but have you ever really spent time getting to know yourself?  I am not referring to being alone with your thoughts that feed daily anxiety.  I mean truly acquaint yourself to...well...yourself.  Getting to know your likes and dislikes, feelings about certain 'taboo' topics, etc.  By getting reacquainted with Tracy, I spent less time worrying about pleasing others...I really wanted to remain true t...

The other night I was organizing some photos and I came across a number of photos from when I was a little girl. As I saw these pictures I remembered a chapter that I read in Jenni Schaefer's book, Life without Ed.  The chapter gives an exercise for the reader to try when they are struggling with their eating disorder.  The exercise tells the reader to find a picture of their self when they were little.  After locating a picture, tape it to a mirror that you use often.  Once it is up, she challenges you to try and say the things you say to your present self on a daily basis...more or less it is impossible to do.  I could never look at 'baby Tracy' and call her fat, ugly, stupid etc.  After remembering this exercise, tears filled my eyes and I was inspired.  I do not think I decided to do this photo organization by chance, I think I needed to remember this. This exercise is something that really resonates with me and I think anyone could benefit fr...

Well....2016 is almost over and all I have to say is, 'Good Riddance!'  I think most everyone will agree that we are happy to see 2016 go.  For some reason this past year has been a terrible one for many people.  Social media has erupted with meme's, gifs and videos all declaring that 2016, for lack of better words, sucked. With the conclusion of the year approaching, I like to take some time to reflect on the past year, and as I do so I realize that while it has not been the easiest year personally, I can honestly say that I have learned a lot. We truly never know what someone else is going through:   Often times we walk around with a smile on our face, when inwardly we are feeling low.  This happy exterior is often a shield to protect ourselves from being vulnerable to our emotions and to others.  I think that we as human beings are more alike that we are different.  We all have our 'stuff' to deal with in life; no one is excluded from the...

Everything, every place, every person has a label whether we like it or not.  Labels can be things such as, cheap, tacky, ugly, mean, quirky, smart, scary, dangerous etc.  Most any word can be used to describe a thing, place or person.  Labels are like adjectives; they are descriptive words.  Labels are everywhere.  Have you ever used a hashtag?  Yep that's a label.  Heck, on this blog I can add 'labels', or words, that best describe the blog post so it can reach it's intended or inspired audience.  That's life, we can sit there and preach how we are such a good person, but we are all using these 'labels' in some way, shape or form in our daily lives.   I have fallen victim many times to labeling people, locations etc.  and have been labeled by others. You can judge me all me want, call me all sorts of names, and yes it will bother me, but I will get over it...eventually.  One label, however, I have not separated myself from is a ...

While I was in treatment I started making an altered book.  I didn't know what it was until going to treatment, so I will explain it here.  To create an altered book you take a book already in existence and you 'alter' it's form.  You can use magazine clippings, actual photos, and create your own artwork on the pages etc. You are doing what the name suggests, and altering the book from it's original form to a different form and adding your own unique meaning to it as well.   I know...before you go on, you may be thinking, 'What kind of librarian would do such a horrid thing to a book?!'...my answer...ONE BAD ASS LIBRARIAN! Two of the pages in my book I used to create a poem using the method referred to as blackout poetry. To create a blackout poem you find words on the page(s) you are using that have significance to you, or that inspire you....you then take a sharpie marker and blackout the other words on the page so you are left with only those that are...

Jumping out of a plane with a complete stranger on my back.   Going bungee jumping.   Convincing my family to go on crazy thrill rides with me.   No fear of anything ever happening to me.   I was invincible.   Had someone asked me what being fearless meant years ago, even months ago, this most likely would have been my response.   That is until that January morning I sat on my couch and cried.  I wasn’t invincible at all.  I was slowly killing myself, and suddenly, that girl who was so ‘fearless’ was now fearing for her life.  After two months of treatment I realized that being fearless isn’t about any of the above stated items.  Being fearless means waking up every day and living life.  Every time that I choose to eat a meal or a snack that aligns with my meal plan.  Challenging myself and eating ice cream because I want to.  Realizing that even though I relapsed months into recovery, I had the choice to get ...

Goals.  Many people have them, some people achieve them, others don't, some give up everything not worrying about the consequences, some do everything possible and don't get the outcome they expected...but they get a lot more then they ever dreamed of.  I've know friends who have dreamed of becoming wealthy through work, others who have dreamed of getting married and having a family, getting a degree.  So many people with such passion and ambition; and then there's me. For the past 10 years I achieved much, I got a BA and a Masters, have been blessed with a great career, got married, moved and am finally settling down as we prepare to start a family.  All of these amazing things, none of which were my life goals (or so I thought), my goal for 10 years was to be skinny. At points, I starved myself, I overexercised, I binged and purged, and sometimes I did all of these things.  I had no energy for life, I was irritable, I avoided many social gatherings, I abuse...