So much to gain
Size doesn't matter...you CAN have an eating disorder without looking sick.
This post is for all of the other girls and guys you are in recovery from an eating disorder, who are in need of gaining weight. This post is for all of the friends and family in our lives who are interested in better understanding what this is like.
WARNING (this may be too much information a.k.a. TMI): For a girl with an eating disorder you stop having your monthly friend. Your hormones are all out of whack and when you are not at a healthy weight, you will not menstruate. As a person with an eating disorder, male or female, you may suffer from issues with bowel movements, memory, fatigue...etc.
When I entered treatment I was terrified. I knew I needed to get better, but I didn't necessarily want to. Being required to follow a meal plan that involved 3 meals and 3 snacks seemed absolutely absurd. If you didn't eat 100% of all of these things, you were offered the opportunity to drink a supplement...you had the right to refuse any of these...after all recovery is a choice. This re-feeding process was the worst thing in the world. Constantly feeling full, and yet having to eat more, and having all of the weight gain going right to your stomach, before it can disperse elsewhere, and night sweats! BLEH...and then...you poop.
For the first time in a long time you have a bowel movement (bm) that is normal. And then it happens again. And then, you realize how much energy you have, and how much happier you are, and how the life you were living was as sad and lonely as it seemed. Life is meaningful and joyful and you can't imagine how you've spent the past decade in a dark hole. In treatment we all had the same goal, becoming a better, healthier you! Finding yourself and the things you love, and then after months we go back into the real world. We are left to our own devices. No one monitoring our bathroom use, not having our meals checked, no early morning wake up calls to weigh in and talk about our last bm. It's also at this point and time you ...life and people are pretty cutthroat.
What happened to everyone rooting for each other? What happened to that feeling that people were genuinely interested in me, without it seeming like a hidden agenda? That's life... Let's face it, we are all our number one...but sometimes that is hard to swallow.
I promised I would never go through the re-feeding process again...yet here I am. After experiencing weight loss, heart palpitations, memory lapses, I confided in Stefan, and we are getting back on track...Only this time, no inpatient treatment is involved. Just me, my treatment team and my boo. I am slowly taking steps to get back in the right direction, to get back to a healthy weight.
Another thing that is prominent in the real world is the reward and recognition for those on a weight loss journey. Personally, I am truly proud of anyone who wants to make their life healthier. Whether that is losing weight, quitting smoking, not drinking, what have you. But I will say it is difficult to be in a world that glamorizes weight loss and being fit, when you are trying to gain weight and appreciate the functions of your body, not so much the appearance.
So I am here to celebrate my weight gain! Am I happy about it? No. Am I excited by the fact that the pants I wore today were snug where they used to be loose? No. Am I happy? Close.
Do I know what I weigh, or how much I gained? No. In all honesty, I don't want to know...not yet...maybe not ever...but I guess it's a step in the right direction.
To all my friends, family, and others, if you are happy in life with whatever caveats you are overcoming, I am truly proud.
To all my friends who are struggling with trying to gain weight in a world focused on losing weight, you have so much to gain...literally and figuratively. Life is beautiful when we are not answering to the call of our mental illness.
This post is for all of the other girls and guys you are in recovery from an eating disorder, who are in need of gaining weight. This post is for all of the friends and family in our lives who are interested in better understanding what this is like.
WARNING (this may be too much information a.k.a. TMI): For a girl with an eating disorder you stop having your monthly friend. Your hormones are all out of whack and when you are not at a healthy weight, you will not menstruate. As a person with an eating disorder, male or female, you may suffer from issues with bowel movements, memory, fatigue...etc.
When I entered treatment I was terrified. I knew I needed to get better, but I didn't necessarily want to. Being required to follow a meal plan that involved 3 meals and 3 snacks seemed absolutely absurd. If you didn't eat 100% of all of these things, you were offered the opportunity to drink a supplement...you had the right to refuse any of these...after all recovery is a choice. This re-feeding process was the worst thing in the world. Constantly feeling full, and yet having to eat more, and having all of the weight gain going right to your stomach, before it can disperse elsewhere, and night sweats! BLEH...and then...you poop.
For the first time in a long time you have a bowel movement (bm) that is normal. And then it happens again. And then, you realize how much energy you have, and how much happier you are, and how the life you were living was as sad and lonely as it seemed. Life is meaningful and joyful and you can't imagine how you've spent the past decade in a dark hole. In treatment we all had the same goal, becoming a better, healthier you! Finding yourself and the things you love, and then after months we go back into the real world. We are left to our own devices. No one monitoring our bathroom use, not having our meals checked, no early morning wake up calls to weigh in and talk about our last bm. It's also at this point and time you ...life and people are pretty cutthroat.
What happened to everyone rooting for each other? What happened to that feeling that people were genuinely interested in me, without it seeming like a hidden agenda? That's life... Let's face it, we are all our number one...but sometimes that is hard to swallow.
I promised I would never go through the re-feeding process again...yet here I am. After experiencing weight loss, heart palpitations, memory lapses, I confided in Stefan, and we are getting back on track...Only this time, no inpatient treatment is involved. Just me, my treatment team and my boo. I am slowly taking steps to get back in the right direction, to get back to a healthy weight.
Another thing that is prominent in the real world is the reward and recognition for those on a weight loss journey. Personally, I am truly proud of anyone who wants to make their life healthier. Whether that is losing weight, quitting smoking, not drinking, what have you. But I will say it is difficult to be in a world that glamorizes weight loss and being fit, when you are trying to gain weight and appreciate the functions of your body, not so much the appearance.
So I am here to celebrate my weight gain! Am I happy about it? No. Am I excited by the fact that the pants I wore today were snug where they used to be loose? No. Am I happy? Close.
Do I know what I weigh, or how much I gained? No. In all honesty, I don't want to know...not yet...maybe not ever...but I guess it's a step in the right direction.
To all my friends, family, and others, if you are happy in life with whatever caveats you are overcoming, I am truly proud.
To all my friends who are struggling with trying to gain weight in a world focused on losing weight, you have so much to gain...literally and figuratively. Life is beautiful when we are not answering to the call of our mental illness.
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