Picture Perfect

I have referred to the 'highlight reel' before. For those of you who haven't heard this term before, it is used to refer to pictures that people post on social media; everyone shows their highlight reel, but there is always more to the story...more to their story. Stefan and I recently went on a trip to Charleston to celebrate our wedding anniversary. We had a fabulous time on the beach, eating great food and enjoying some adult beverages. It was also comforting to know that Bean was in great hands with Stefan's parents. A minor digression, anyone who has kids, I cannot stress enough the importance of getting some time away just you and your significant other. It is not only healthy for you as a couple, but it is healthy for your child(ren) as well. In any case we had a great time, I took some great pictures, but as with most pictures there is more to the story.

On our second night in Charleston we went to this fabulous bar. We were having a great time playing Guess Who and Jenga, but then my good ol' friend ED (Eating Disorder) decided to come and hang out. There was a variety of ages in the bar from just legal 21 to upwards of 70. There were also lots of beautiful people there, including younger girls wearing pretty skimpy outfits. One was so skimpy I was hoping that she had on some nipple tape otherwise we all would have a show we hadn't planned on. In any case, I started to feel a number of different feelings, and yes I was a few beers in so that is never helpful. ED was telling me I was fat and ugly. I couldn't help but stare at these other women and compare myself. At one point I had to go to the bathroom and I just remember looking in the mirror and being disgusted with what I saw. Stefan recognized something was going on and asked and I naturally responded with nothing I'm fine. For those of you who don't know, fine is actually an acronym.

Fucked up. Insecure. Neurotic. Emotional. Yep..I was fine.

I remember feeling so caught up in my thoughts I got teary eyed and didn't know what to do. It was in that moment I decided to pull out my phone, pull up the monitor so I could see our beatufilu little girl sleeping in her bed. With this image on my phone and in my brain I calmed down and felt better. Years ago if this happened, I would not be able to turn off my thoughts, I would have continued drinking, and probably caused an argument with Stefan accusing him of checking those girls out. I have grown a lot since those days, but it still takes a continued effort. I did not talk to Stefan about this that night, but the next day I mentioned how I hadn't felt that bad of self image in quite a while and I know it was triggered by the people in the bar and my comparison. Luckily, none of this ruined our weekend or got in the way of anything, it actually made me feel a stronger desire to be kind to myself and appreciate who I am more so. We often get caught up in comparing ourselves to others and their 'highlight reels'.

Here is the picture that Stefan and I took in the middle of my conversations with ED. I remember having to take the picture twice because I told Stefan that my face looked fat. I specifically said, 'I look like I'm storing nuts for the winter'.

Looking at this picture now, I think that it is a great pictures of us, a couple young and in love and enjoying life...but man, the things I was thinking and feeling in that moment aren't visible to anyone but the photographer (me).

Do your best not to compare yourself to others, or get caught up in a 'highlight reel' because you do not know what the story behind that photo is. If you find that you are having a difficult time being kind to yourself remember this:



Thank you, Starbucks

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I blacked out....poetry

Image
While I was in treatment I started making an altered book.  I didn't know what it was until going to treatment, so I will explain it here.  To create an altered book you take a book already in existence and you 'alter' it's form.  You can use magazine clippings, actual photos, and create your own artwork on the pages etc. You are doing what the name suggests, and altering the book from it's original form to a different form and adding your own unique meaning to it as well.   I know...before you go on, you may be thinking, 'What kind of librarian would do such a horrid thing to a book?!'...my answer...ONE BAD ASS LIBRARIAN! Two of the pages in my book I used to create a poem using the method referred to as blackout poetry. To create a blackout poem you find words on the page(s) you are using that have significance to you, or that inspire you....you then take a sharpie marker and blackout the other words on the page so you are left with only those that are...
Read more

Goodbye Size 2

Goals.  Many people have them, some people achieve them, others don't, some give up everything not worrying about the consequences, some do everything possible and don't get the outcome they expected...but they get a lot more then they ever dreamed of.  I've know friends who have dreamed of becoming wealthy through work, others who have dreamed of getting married and having a family, getting a degree.  So many people with such passion and ambition; and then there's me. For the past 10 years I achieved much, I got a BA and a Masters, have been blessed with a great career, got married, moved and am finally settling down as we prepare to start a family.  All of these amazing things, none of which were my life goals (or so I thought), my goal for 10 years was to be skinny. At points, I starved myself, I overexercised, I binged and purged, and sometimes I did all of these things.  I had no energy for life, I was irritable, I avoided many social gatherings, I abuse...
Read more

'The best part of believe is the Lie.'

I've been lying to you all, and to myself.  A part of me hopes that when I write a blog post about being strong, not worrying about what the scale says, and how great I feel dancing or running that maybe I will believe I am overcoming.  I am not as strong as I make it seem.  Again, I find myself wearing a mask, a comforting tool I've used for at least 10 years now.  A mask that hides who I really am and what I really feel. I've worn this mask for so long I've don't know how to take it off...scratch that, I know how to take it off, I am just scared of what others will see....what I will see.  I have lost my identity and now I am feeling just as lost as ever. I've found myself restricting.  I've found myself hugging the toilet bowl after meals.  I've found myself sleeping too much, and enjoying life too little.  I've once again found myself feeling alone, scared and hopeless. I hope that one day soon I will open my eyes again and get a glimpse o...
Read more