Get Trich-y

I am always preaching that it's great to be vulnerable, but the thing I am about to share is terrifying. I've been thinking about it for a few days, and then this morning I was watching a TV show and their main topic for discussion was being vulnerable...so I took that as a sign. I brought this topic up in therapy on Wednesday and my therapist asked, 'Why now? why are you bringing this up today?' She didn't say it to be an asshole, I knew exactly what she meant. I responded, 'It's just been really bad lately, and I don't know how to fix it.' She then reminded me of all the bullshit that's happened the last few months... and I thought touché.

In any case, I have struggled with Trichtotillomania for about 16 years. If you are not familiar with the term, Trichtotillomania is, "A disorder that involves recurrent, irresistible urges to pull out body hair." I recall my first urges when I was a Freshman/Sophomore in High School, when I started pulling out my eyelashes. I pulled them all out and continued to do so when they would grow back, I also went crazy with a tweezer to my eyebrows. My Junior year of High School I got hit in the eye with a stick during my field hockey game. I had to get stitches and had a gnarly black eye. I remember thinking, 'Well, now my eyelashes can grow back," since I wasn't able to pull them. This was only after thinking, 'Shit, my contact', and 'How was she not called for high sticking?'

I continued to pull my eyelashes for years, and only slowed it down a few years ago, when I was in treatment for my eating disorder. Unfortunately, I have suffered the consequences and still have very few lashes despite not pulling continuously. In the midst of all of this, I beginning pulling at the hair on my scalp in 2010. I only remember the year because I know I just started my full time job in the library system and recall sitting at my desk and looking at the floor seeing how much hair I had pulled out. The urge to pull has remained something that I struggle with on and off for many years. In 2015, the summer/fall before going to treatment, I saw a hair stylist who had background with Trich. and he fitted me for a hair piece. Having this hair pieced prevented me from pulling and by February of 2016 I said peace out to the hair piece and got the pixie cut I always dreamed of. It felt even more spectacular because of how my hair had grown back!

This past year, and specifically the last few months have been particularly challenging for me and I have conditioned myself with the pulling that it gives me so much relief. I watch people on TV and see the beautiful people of the internet and my world with amazing hair, and it makes me sad seeing the damage I am doing to myself and my scalp. When I told my therapist about this the other day I told her I felt ashamed. She helped me understand my feelings, and will help work on changing them and reconditioning my urges, and that I should not feel ashamed.

Having finally told someone (other than Stefan) I feel a weight lifted off my shoulders. I feel as though I am accountable to someone else, and I think by telling you all I am planting a seed to beat this. Just because I've lived this way for most of my life does not mean I need to continue to. I also fear that my sharing this you will look at me differently and immediately stare at my scalp to see if you can see my bald spots (I'll spare you, and you can see the picture below). I am terrified to share this. I am also hopeful this may help others.

Stay Gold.