Be Free

'I speak, because I need to be reminded of these truths' - Jedidiah Jenkins

 This has been on my heart lately.  It's something that I have been hearing and reading a lot about everywhere, and I feel like it is the universe's way of saying, 'This is what you need to write about'.  I've written many times about how I have lost sight of who I truly was when I was deep in my eating disorder and how I still struggle to find the real Tracy.  So, if you are sick of me babbling on about this, you should probably stop reading.  If you think I may have some helpful insight, carry on my friend.

 I recently started back doing programming at work, and it's been the best!  I love working with kids and I really feel like I have a strength in building relationships with kids of all ages.  I had a conversation with a little girl and I asked her what her favorite color, how old she was...you know, the basics.  When I asked her if she had a favorite animal, she started to list some off and then affirmatively stated, 'I love everything, everything is awesome'.  DAMN GIRLLLL!  This was the first call from the universe.

 When people are young, there is seemingly nothing to stop them.  There are no limits; they know what they like, what they don't like, they say what they think (with the necessary repercussions and/or praise depending)...they really are so care free...and then those little beings grow up and the world tells us who we need to be.  The boxes we need to put ourselves in to be accepted in society, and all that other stuff, is lost.  We lose sight of the authenticity that makes us unique

 For myself, and the people-pleaser in me, I struggle to say no.  I give all of myself to others until I am left empty.  I obviously had to learn this behavior somewhere, some time.  Oh, I just did that nice thing for Mrs. Boo Bah and she was so happy....let's make everyone happy!  That's what I'm imagining went on in my childhood brain.  Something that I am still working on learning is, 'There is power in knowing where to give your yes's, and your no's' (Sophia Bush).  As a people-pleaser, I avoid difficult conversations and confrontation.  I would rather smile and nod then say, 'You know what, I don't agree with that.'  Really though, what good does that do. 

 There is something in our culture that, in many ways, teaches women to be small.  This can be boiled down to small in size, education, opinions and overall worth.  I remember a specific incident when I was probably in my early teens and I voiced my feeling on a situation, and sure, I was a teenager and I probably sounded like a bitch, BUT besides the point, I got in trouble and was made to feel that I was disrespectful and shouldn't do that again.  I've always been sensitive and read into things too much, so sure it was also how I received the message.  But if my feeling on the subject wasn't in line with where he/she thought, a friendly discussion should have ensued.  

 This is the problem with our society.  People can't handle when others, especially women, have an opinion to share, so instead of opening the topic for discussion, ugly words are thrown around and people are belittled.  Should we continue to live in fear, and stay 'small' to avoid hard conversations, hot topics etc. OR, should we speak our minds without fear of the consequence.  'It doesn't matter what you think if you don't say it.' 

 I play to raise a strong-willed, confident woman, Giuliana.  I can preach to her all I want but I need to be sure to practice what I'm preaching; she will learn by observation.  As her mother, I need to be sure I show her that I have value, my opinion matters, it's okay to be vulnerable, what I have is special and the world needs me.

 These things I know about the authentic Tracy:
1. I have always been different from my whole family.  Grandma and I would joke about being the black sheep (Miss you more everyday Grandma).
2. I don't agree with a lot of things that I see, and I know I can make a difference.
3. The color pink is the ONLY color for me.
4. I know I'm not the smartest person in the room at most times, but I have some pretty killer dance moves.
5. I have a gift working with the youth.
6. I am a kick ass warrior chick.
7. I'm pretty dope, when you get to know me.

 I'll get back to you when I know some more.

 A big thank you to the creators of the Unspoken podcast.  Their interviews have really inspired me and I highly recommend you give them a listen!



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