I NEDA help

As I laid my head down on my pillow last night, I knew that I made it another day without anyone asking me what I ate.  To my eating disorder brain this is amazing.  I didn't have to tell anyone that I didn't eat, that I skipped most of my needed intake for the day.  The Tracy I've been slowly losing shouted from the depths of my body that something was wrong.  I closed my eyes and listened to the white noise of our air purifier, felt the softness of my sheets, and the rapid beating of my heart.  Another anxiety attack?  No, this was a different kind of racing, it was the racing I have felt before when my heart was doing too much work.  I literally thought, I could be having a heart attack.  I tossed and turned 90% of the night and when I did sleep, I dreamt of all the things I do wrong...all the imperfections I have; the imperfect person I am.

 For weeks now I have been walking a slippery slope in recovery.  My anxiety has increased, my attitude has been sour, and my intake has been minimal.  Something triggered me but I am unsure what it was/is.  This is not the first time, nor will it be the last time.  Every day is a battle, I've said it once, and I'll say it a million times more.  The choice isn't just to eat, the choice is to love myself, nourish myself, and fight this debilitating mental illness.

 Today was the NEDA Walk in Raleigh and I knew I needed it.  I needed to be surrounded by people with a common goal...help create awareness of those who lost the fight, continue to fight, and will fight this deadly mental illness.  It was important to me to have Bean there with me.  She's proof that I am capable of being healthy, kind to my body, and strong.  She obviously didn't know where we were or what it was for, but as speakers spoke and people walked, I watched her and was grateful.

 The truth is, I'm not okay, at least right now.  Why am I telling you this?  I am telling you this because it is okay.  It's okay not to be okay.  Recognizing that you need help is the first big step to getting back on the right track.  One of the speakers at the walk today said, "the opposite of love is not hate, the opposite of love is fear."  She defined how that made sense to her, and for me, I am terrified.  I cannot love when I am facing so much fear.  Fear of who I am, what I am not, what I can be, what I'll never be.  I am afraid of what will happen if I don't ask for help.  Today I did that, I asked Stefan for help.  It's okay to ask for help and feel weak...no one likes to show those cards, but if we don't, what will become of us?

Bean and her daddy clapping for the guest speakers at the walk today!


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