My Sweet Girl
Today was a great day. It was the first day in quite a while that I got to spend the full day with my sweet girl. Stefan has been terribly sick the past two days, so it was a girls day today.
The past few weeks I've been struggling pretty hard with my depression. I haven't talked about it to many people because a large part of me doesn't want to burden anyone with my 'issues'...so I do what I've always done and stuff. I told Stefan that Bean was the only reason I felt like getting up in the morning. The reason for my depression is feeling depleted. I've been feeling as though I'm giving and giving and not getting much in return. While feeling this way, I go to pick up Bean from school one day only to hear that my sweet girl was crawling. I didn't feel anything upon hearing that. I didn't feel joy, nor did I feel sadness...I was numb. Now I knew that I would miss the day that Bean would start crawling, or at least I was prepared to miss it the first time, but I also thought I would feel something more.
Working full-time and being a mom has been hard, but I know it is the right thing for both of us. Without me working, we couldn't afford the life that we have, plus I need to work outside of the home for my own personal being. Making this decision to work, I knew that I may miss some firsts, but when Stefan and I see milestones, like her crawling, it will be OUR first time. Despite knowing what I may miss, I don't think I realized how some days I would hardly see my sweet girl during the week.
The past few weeks, the weeks that align with my increased depression, have been tough in terms of spending time with Bean. I am so blessed that Bean is a great sleeper. However, this means during the week I see her anywhere from 10-30 minutes in the morning before our drive to school. I pick up Bean around 5:30 each day and because my child suffers from Fear of Missing Out (FOMO) she doesn't nap at school. By the time we get home she is so tired she takes a nap until 6:40 when Stefan or I wake her up and in about 20 minutes after that she goes to bed. On Tuesday nights I don't even see her because I work so late. So, as you can see, this schedule has been tough, so I do my best to soak up the weekend and the time I have with her.
Today was the best. We went to the library to see friends and play. She cried all the way home because #momoftheyear didn't realize it had been almost 4 hours since her last meal. This is something that would usually break my heart, but I am slowly learning patience and understanding of what she is communicating. We played, ate lunch together, and there were many times I would just stare at her in amazement. I used to question if she loved me, but she really does. She looks around the corner when I leave the room, she squeals in joy when I return, she laughs at 95% of the things I do. I can't even explain how much needed joy today brought me.
I'm working hard on coming out of the dark hole that is depression and I'm doing my best to recognize what matters most. Today in particular I hardly had my phone around her. I take at least one picture of her everyday so I took those pictures, but I didn't get sucked into the social media like I sometimes do. I am doing my best to enjoy every second with my girl, both happy and sad Bean. She fills me with so much joy and I am so grateful for her every second of every day.
The past few weeks I've been struggling pretty hard with my depression. I haven't talked about it to many people because a large part of me doesn't want to burden anyone with my 'issues'...so I do what I've always done and stuff. I told Stefan that Bean was the only reason I felt like getting up in the morning. The reason for my depression is feeling depleted. I've been feeling as though I'm giving and giving and not getting much in return. While feeling this way, I go to pick up Bean from school one day only to hear that my sweet girl was crawling. I didn't feel anything upon hearing that. I didn't feel joy, nor did I feel sadness...I was numb. Now I knew that I would miss the day that Bean would start crawling, or at least I was prepared to miss it the first time, but I also thought I would feel something more.
Working full-time and being a mom has been hard, but I know it is the right thing for both of us. Without me working, we couldn't afford the life that we have, plus I need to work outside of the home for my own personal being. Making this decision to work, I knew that I may miss some firsts, but when Stefan and I see milestones, like her crawling, it will be OUR first time. Despite knowing what I may miss, I don't think I realized how some days I would hardly see my sweet girl during the week.
The past few weeks, the weeks that align with my increased depression, have been tough in terms of spending time with Bean. I am so blessed that Bean is a great sleeper. However, this means during the week I see her anywhere from 10-30 minutes in the morning before our drive to school. I pick up Bean around 5:30 each day and because my child suffers from Fear of Missing Out (FOMO) she doesn't nap at school. By the time we get home she is so tired she takes a nap until 6:40 when Stefan or I wake her up and in about 20 minutes after that she goes to bed. On Tuesday nights I don't even see her because I work so late. So, as you can see, this schedule has been tough, so I do my best to soak up the weekend and the time I have with her.
Today was the best. We went to the library to see friends and play. She cried all the way home because #momoftheyear didn't realize it had been almost 4 hours since her last meal. This is something that would usually break my heart, but I am slowly learning patience and understanding of what she is communicating. We played, ate lunch together, and there were many times I would just stare at her in amazement. I used to question if she loved me, but she really does. She looks around the corner when I leave the room, she squeals in joy when I return, she laughs at 95% of the things I do. I can't even explain how much needed joy today brought me.
I'm working hard on coming out of the dark hole that is depression and I'm doing my best to recognize what matters most. Today in particular I hardly had my phone around her. I take at least one picture of her everyday so I took those pictures, but I didn't get sucked into the social media like I sometimes do. I am doing my best to enjoy every second with my girl, both happy and sad Bean. She fills me with so much joy and I am so grateful for her every second of every day.
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