In the words of my least favorite bachelor...'It's okay'

Who would have thought 11 months ago that we would be where we are today. I rang in the New Year eating delicious food, drinking spiked hot chocolate and seeing an amazing light display with a dear friend. As many folks did, I had high hopes for 2020.  Unfortunately, this year has quite possibly been the worst year I've had in a long time, possibly ever. From the world living through a pandemic and the emotional toll that has had, witnessing pure hatred in our very own country, to a more personal struggle relapsing with both my eating disorder and trichotillomania and losing my father to cancer, this year was emotionally and mentally exhausting. Now this is not a post for a pity party, this is a post about perspective and seeing the good in the bad.

Take-aways from 2020

As I have expressed in my most recent post, my dad was a good man, who of course had his faults as we all do, but he lived life to the best of his ability and gave what he could when he could. He was also suffering. He fought for as long as he could, but life for him would have never been the same and so he left this earth a few months back but will never leave our hearts. He left behind a ton of memories that I will hold onto for the rest of my life; and I truly believe that him passing is what determined the sex of our second child; a boy. Despite knowing that my children will never truly know him, I am grateful that I will be able to share stories with Giuliana and our son about him.

I have witnessed a lot of my friends, family and acquaintances having personal struggles this year as well. My big takeaway is that I am not alone. Everyone has their own struggle and each one is just as important as any other. Please do not discredit your own battles because they do not seem 'as bad' as someone else's. We are entitled to feel all the feelings, cry, scream, shout, want to sleep for days and not be bothered with anyone...hell, I cried all the way to work today and I am okay with that; it needed to happen. I understand that while my struggles may differ from those around me, I am not alone and neither are you.

I give a lot to others and not enough to myself. This year has opened my eyes to the self-care that I am lacking, and the realization that I cannot be all things for everyone. I can only give so much to people, whether that is reaching out to them, being a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear etc., before I completely deplete myself. I promise to take better care of myself and meet my needs so in turn I can be a better person when others need me. I also will promise to recognize my needs and listen to my body when it tells me to stop or slow down. That being said, I've also learned a lot about other people and have been extremely disappointed by some; this is another reminder that I need to take care of myself and my needs because nobody else (besides Stefan) is going to do it for me.

My relapse needed to happen. I needed to lose myself again in order to find hope and appreciation for life. I have gotten a good amount of therapy to improve my mental health, and it feels good most days (when I remember to implement it). I recognize the value in therapy and showing up and for that I am extremely grateful. I have heard repeatedly, both in session and out, that I am resilient to life's circumstances. I would respond with a, 'thank you', and go about my day. Instead of just saying, thank you, I am really starting to believe that is true.

My advice to you

Be kind to yourself. Recognize that you are human and it's okay to not be okay. Next time you are having a 'bad day' try to find something good you can take away from it. Remember you are not alone.


Do you remember that November when flowers were blooming and bees were pollinating? Yeah, me too.



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