Thank you

This isn't your obligatory Thanksgiving post about how grateful I am for my friends and family...that should happen every day, so if you are posting strictly for the fact that it's Thanksgiving maybe you should consider being more thoughtful every day and not just for a holiday.  Sorry, I'm not sorry.

I had a friend ask me the other day, 'Is Thanksgiving hard for you?'.  It took me a second to understand what she meant.  'Well yeah', I thought, holidays are hard in general because of the stigma I have put on them, but then I realized that she was asking if it was hard because of my eating disorder.  I was taken aback by her question because I do not recall anyone ever asking me before.  My response was that it used to be, but this year is different because we are straying home.  She acknowledged the difficulty that the holidays can have on someone who struggles because of all the food and all the people.  

For years I felt like people were watching me eat and sometimes I still feel this way.  Whether it is going out to eat with a friend, or going to the bathroom after a meal, I feel like all eyes are on me.  Now, maybe I'm being selfish, but the paranoia exists, and sometimes it is louder than others.  No matter how strong I get in my recovery, I'm not sure the voice will ever be fully silenced.

It has been about three years since I last purged, nor have I really used many eating disorder behaviors.  There have certainly been times when I had an urge to restrict but I have overcome those thoughts and been healthy in my recovery for a long time.  

This same friend, knowing my milestone, said that I should be so proud of myself...my response to that? 'I am.'  I am freaking proud of myself, and I should be.  There are plenty of people in this world who will disappoint you.  They will let you down and say dumb shit that pisses you off, but you should stop disappointing yourself.  No one is going to take care of you better than you, so try to remember that.  

Thank you my friend for taking the time to ask me how I was doing and for acknowledging the difficulty this time of year can present.  Thank you to my eating disorder for being the biggest asshole I've ever met, which says a lot because I know some pretty big assholes. Thank you for making me get the help I needed, building a strong support system, learning to love myself and for kicking your ass.

Cheers to my fellow warriors fighting to get stronger, healthier, happier etc.  You are worth it, you are enough, you matter.

The pictures below, in my opinion, showcase how far I have come.  On the left I was lacking confidence and self worth, I was also in the early stages of my battle with anorexia and bulimia.  On the right I am shining with more confidence and strong in my recovery.



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