Different

My brain is becoming mush. So here are a bunch of words.  I'm not sure if they make sense.  If they don't, sorry.  If they do, I hope you can relate...yet again I hope you can't...but I'm sure you do.

 Dare to be different...it's a motto I truly believe in.  Straying away from the majority, dancing to the beat of your own drum etc.  It wasn't until recently that I really feel that I am different...and sometimes different can be lonely.

 Can you relate?  I thought so....

 I think there are times that we all feel a little out of place, trying to figure out why.  I don't think I've ever really fit in easily.  I try really hard for people to like me; sometimes I think my kindness comes off like I'm a fraud, but the fact of the matter is, I truly care about people and love so big...probably to a fault.

 When I was New York, I had my people, and oh my gosh how I miss you all terribly.  I had my people and I left.  We moved to North Carolina to provide ourselves with a better life financially and for our future children.  I worked at such a wonderful library and found my people...and I left.  This time I had to take care of myself and get the help I needed.  I then went to a new library and found my person, and then...you guessed it, I left.  This time was to make a better life for myself and family.  Each time I've started over was for a great reason, and sure it was hard at first but I found my clan...eventually.

 I am living in a constant state of paranoia and anxiety.  Are they talking about me?  What do they think about me?  What will my family think? Everybody hates me.  I'm not doing enough.  I am doing too much.  I'm trying too hard, I'm not trying hard enough. Are the people reading this thinking I am complaining about trivial matters?  Are people even reading this? Etc.

 I recently watched the season premiere of This is Us and the episode ended with a quote by my favorite character Randall, and of course I didn't write it down, and I don't remember it, and I certainly am not watching it again to find it, was something along the lines of him never fitting in.  He was always too this, or not enough of that....meanwhile, everyone seems to like him.  When he said, whatever this quote was, I had never related to something so much. 
My mind is on the same track.  Too this, too that, not enough this, not enough that.

 So, what do I do? What do we do when we feel this way?  
I'm over it, I can't do anything different than what I am doing.  
I'm tired.  
The only thing I can control is myself, and my mind.  
I'm going to meditate. 
Peace ya'll



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