Shine on

Since leaving treatment, I have kept in touch with nearly everyone I was in treatment with.  We have maintained contact here and there, one way in particular has been through our Facebook group.  A recent question that was posed was asking if there was any time that we missed being in recovery. One response was a quote from a girl on tumblr who wrote such a beautiful post...one that I could not write with such eloquence and beauty, but one that I found inspiration and thus the reason for this post.

 So my answer to the question is as gray as can be. Yes and No.
I've written the first 10 things that came into my mind:

 Things that I miss:
1.  No responsibility besides yourself
2.  Equine therapy
3.  Feeling no judgment
4.  Support
5.  The relationships I formed
6.  Terrible table games to make getting through a meal 'easier'
7.  Being vulnerable in therapy sessions, and being okay with that
8.  No cell phone (believe it or not, this was a great thing)
9.  Receiving snail mail
10.Feeling safe

 Things that I don't miss
1.  Being dehumanized
2.  Not being able to use scissors without it being attached to a chain
3.  Only getting coffee as a reward for eating
4.  Not being able to use a real knife
5.  Brownie being taken away from me for 2 months
6.  Daily weigh-ins, vitals, and talking about the last time I pooped
7.  Wake up calls
8.  Bathroom monitoring
9.  Cooking for 14 people
10.Waiting to use the phone

 Life is a different story when everything that you know is taken away.  I remember when I was able to go on outings and we went out to eat and I was able to use a knife...a real knife!  I was in all my glory being able to cut my food with a sharp object! 

 I have told Stefan multiple times how happy I became in treatment.  Sure, I hated waking up at the ass-crack of dawn, but I was truly at peace.  Reflecting back, I was at peace because I had nothing to worry about other than getting better.  The world was peaceful.  My responsibilities were minimal.  I wasn't faced with the the horrors of reality.

 There are certainly many aspects of my life in treatment that I miss, but, I wouldn't be interested in going back again.  I have come to appreciate life in a new light that I'm not sure I would have come to otherwise.  My experience humbles me, and makes me want to do better and be better in this world. 

 I wake up everyday with a grateful heart.  I speak affirmations over my day.  If you do things with enough consistency they become an active part of your routine...and only a matter of time before we believe it.
"Shine your light, no one will care what size candle holds the flame."

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