This is 34

I am the heaviest weight I have ever been (not counting pregnancy) and I am also the happiest. I don't know if there is a correlation or not, and that doesn't matter; I am truly happy. For years I strived for the 'perfect' body and would do anything to get there, and yet when I would continue to lose weight I was never satisfied.

I remember when I was in college and I was getting dinner from one of the restaurants in the campus center, the food service worker told me that I had beautiful eyes and he could tell that I have lived through a lot. What he probably saw was tired eyes, hollow, empty. The irony there was while I had been through a lot at that point in time, I was never truly living. Yes, my heart was beating but I wasn't truly alive. Now here I am, 15 years later, my eyes are beautiful, filled with joy, light and love.

Today, I am very rarely hung up on what I eat, or what my body looks like, but rather I am putting my focus on my family and doing my part to make the world a better place. Since giving birth to Dominic, I have received a lot of comments from people on, 'how great I look' and 'how did I lose the weight so quickly'. While I know that these comments are meant to be compliments, I can't help but get frustrated by the amount of pressure and expectations society places on us to lose the weight, and that when someone loses weight, they 'look great'. I am saddened that society thinks it is okay for bodies to be scrutinized, both men and women. Unforutnatley, I do not think that we will ever get past these beliefs as a society, and that's why it needs to change one by one. 

I have realized that there is very little that I can say or do to make people truly understand why there is no such thing as bad foods/good foods, or what it's like living in a world when everyone is hyper focused on body image when it was exactly that bad relationship with my body that almost killed me, and has caused many to lose their lives. What I can do is keep working on myself each and every day and not worry about what anyone else says or does, unless it is truly harmful to me or my family. By placing more of a focus on my mental health, being mindful, and doing what I want to do in life, I am the happiest I have ever been. It's taken a lot of therapy and self-help books but I did it; I know how good it feels in this moment and if I ever lose myself again, I will remind myself of what happiness feels like. I cannot remember exactly what she said but I had a friend tell me how she admired me and my authenticity and I got a little choked up. For someone else to recognize my growth means the world to me and encourages me to keep going.

Wherever you are on your journey please know that you are enough, you are beautiful, and the world needs you. Happiness is possible every single day.

Cheers to 34 years.


My fabulous new rose gold glitter shoes...thanks mom 




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