It's my blog and I'll cry if I want to

I am truly grateful for a special someone who inspired me to write this post.  After discovering my recent struggles, she encouraged me to use my outlet of writing to express myself. She also inspired the title of this post.  Thanks friend...you know who you are <3

 I've been avoiding writing this post because it is going to be filled with a lot of negativity... but it is also true that life is difficult and it's not always rainbows and butterflies.

So here we go..

 Control.  It's something that I'm slowly learning to let go of, but there is still a large part of me that wants control.  When I don't have control of things around me, I begin to control what I can. In my case, my eating disorder and my trichtotillomania.

TIME OUT (Zach Morris anyone?):  For those of you who do not know what 'trich' is...here is a brief understanding: Trichtotillomania is the urge to pull ones' hair out.

 TIME IN:  So, the past month I have been resorting to using both my eating disorder behaviors and my trich behaviors.

 People all around me are suffering and I cannot control it. Heartbreak, the loss of a loved one, alcoholism, depression, not knowing what's wrong, and cancer to name a few.  I want to fix them all, and I can't.  

 I feel stuck.  I feel as though I am drowning, swimming upstream, running and never reaching the finish line.  When I begin to experience these sensations, I do everything I can to avoid feeling the feelings.

I stuff my feelings.
  I restrict my food.
    I purge my food.
      I pull my hair out.
Anything to avoid the world going-ons around me.

 All I wanted was control, and now I have completely lost control.

 Where does this leave me?  Where has my behavior gotten me?
No where.  I am sad.  I am overwhelmed.  I am numb.

I will not be defeated.  
  I will pick myself up, dust myself off.
    Tomorrow I will soar.

http://orig06.deviantart.net/057a/f/2014/218/4/1/life_is_sometimes_hard____by_supershadowfangirl22-d7u1dqr.jpg








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