Lucky One
Greetings world.
I've struggled the past few days. At a time when I felt like, 'Man, I got this.' I struggled, and I let myself down. For once I am not worried about letting someone else down, and I'm sad because I let myself down. When I let myself down, I beat myself up. My eating disorder (Ed) becomes louder and encourages the thoughts of, 'I'm a disappointment', 'a failure,' 'I can't do this,' 'life is better with an eating disorder.' It's when this voice becomes so loud I need to do my best to shut it out, negate what he's saying, strive to prove him wrong.
Yesterday was this kind of day. I look around in moments of weakness and see the 'lucky ones'. The ones that are thin, the girls that don't eat much (just enough to say they did), the ones who choose coffee/caffeine over food to suppress the appetite, they are so much prettier than I am.
"And they tell you that you’re lucky.
But you’re so confused,
'Cause you don’t feel pretty, you just feel used."
I look around and am saddened. I am saddened by the fact that if I even step in that direction I will relapse. I will lose everything I've worked for.
But, "Everybody loves pretty, everybody loves cool" and everybody loves skinny...right?
It's so tempting.
When I was in my eating disorder I felt prettier, I was skinnier, I had it all.
Or so I thought.
I look around and see the 'lucky ones', I catch my breath, I look around again, blink a few times, shake my head and they're gone. A figment of my imagination. The 'lucky ones' don't exist.
I saw someone today I haven't seen since being in recovery. She told me, 'I looked the best that she's ever seen me' as she embraced me in a hug. Ed's first thought was, 'She thinks I look good, and by good that means healthy, and by healthy that means fat.'
My first thought was, well I wanted to cry tears of joy. Instead I said, 'Thank you, I feel good'. This one comment made my heart happy and fueled my fire for the rest of the day. It wasn't receiving a compliment that helped me, but it was me knowing that I do feel good and I work hard everyday to try to feel good.
People do not love or respect you because of how skinny you are. People want to see you well and happy. I have been broken for many years. I am slowly putting my puzzle back together, and I feel good doing it.
Whatever battle you are fighting. Keep fighting. Whoever it is that you look at and think, 'man they've got it all, they're the lucky one'...STOP. If you continue to do this, the whole comparing yourself to other people, you are never going to be happy with who you are. Maybe you need to look in the mirror and say, 'I'm the lucky one.' Tell yourself that you are worth it. Your life is beautiful because you made it. Pick up your pieces and remember that you are a masterpiece...YOU are the lucky one.
I've struggled the past few days. At a time when I felt like, 'Man, I got this.' I struggled, and I let myself down. For once I am not worried about letting someone else down, and I'm sad because I let myself down. When I let myself down, I beat myself up. My eating disorder (Ed) becomes louder and encourages the thoughts of, 'I'm a disappointment', 'a failure,' 'I can't do this,' 'life is better with an eating disorder.' It's when this voice becomes so loud I need to do my best to shut it out, negate what he's saying, strive to prove him wrong.
Yesterday was this kind of day. I look around in moments of weakness and see the 'lucky ones'. The ones that are thin, the girls that don't eat much (just enough to say they did), the ones who choose coffee/caffeine over food to suppress the appetite, they are so much prettier than I am.
But you’re so confused,
'Cause you don’t feel pretty, you just feel used."
I look around and am saddened. I am saddened by the fact that if I even step in that direction I will relapse. I will lose everything I've worked for.
But, "Everybody loves pretty, everybody loves cool" and everybody loves skinny...right?
It's so tempting.
When I was in my eating disorder I felt prettier, I was skinnier, I had it all.
Or so I thought.
I look around and see the 'lucky ones', I catch my breath, I look around again, blink a few times, shake my head and they're gone. A figment of my imagination. The 'lucky ones' don't exist.
I saw someone today I haven't seen since being in recovery. She told me, 'I looked the best that she's ever seen me' as she embraced me in a hug. Ed's first thought was, 'She thinks I look good, and by good that means healthy, and by healthy that means fat.'
My first thought was, well I wanted to cry tears of joy. Instead I said, 'Thank you, I feel good'. This one comment made my heart happy and fueled my fire for the rest of the day. It wasn't receiving a compliment that helped me, but it was me knowing that I do feel good and I work hard everyday to try to feel good.
People do not love or respect you because of how skinny you are. People want to see you well and happy. I have been broken for many years. I am slowly putting my puzzle back together, and I feel good doing it.
Whatever battle you are fighting. Keep fighting. Whoever it is that you look at and think, 'man they've got it all, they're the lucky one'...STOP. If you continue to do this, the whole comparing yourself to other people, you are never going to be happy with who you are. Maybe you need to look in the mirror and say, 'I'm the lucky one.' Tell yourself that you are worth it. Your life is beautiful because you made it. Pick up your pieces and remember that you are a masterpiece...YOU are the lucky one.
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