Piece by Piece

Addiction.  If you are not struggling with a mental illness, like addiction, of your own, you know someone who is. People are struggling all around us every day, and there is only so much help that one can provide another.  Today, I was saddened by news of a loss.  There is no need to share who, where, what or why, but the fact of the matter is we have one life to live and what we do with it is our choice.   Every day, I make a conscious choice to eat and rewire my brain that eating is okay.  Every day, she is struggling with alcohol; every day, he is sitting on his hands telling them not to type in the website he so badly needs for release; every day... One day, it may all be gone.  No more what ifs, or 'I'll only do it one more time', the list goes on and on. We are faced with making life changing decisions every day that, although they may seem minor, can truly have life altering results.  Running late in the morning, while stressful, m...

Crying.  It's really the first thing we know how to do.  The second we enter the world, we cry.  Crying is a babies only way to communicate his/her needs until they can talk.  Somewhere along the way, the expressiveness of crying changes from a means of communication to being seen as weakness...any sign of emotion is weak? What a crock of crap. How many times have you seen a child fall down, bang their head, and hear the parent/caregiver say, 'Oh, you're fine.'?  I have heard that plenty of times, and I am guilty of saying it myself.  Someone once told me, if you draw attention to it they are going to think they should cry...um, looking back that's just dumb.  I mean, I understand what he said, but for us to imply that a child who falls face first on the cement is fine, we have another thing coming.   Is that where it starts?  A comment like that that makes us start to stuff our feelings?  It's so hard to be vulnerable and expre...

My brain is becoming mush. So here are a bunch of words.  I'm not sure if they make sense.  If they don't, sorry.  If they do, I hope you can relate...yet again I hope you can't...but I'm sure you do. Dare to be different...it's a motto I truly believe in.  Straying away from the majority, dancing to the beat of your own drum etc.  It wasn't until recently that I really feel that I am different...and sometimes different can be lonely. Can you relate?  I thought so.... I think there are times that we all feel a little out of place, trying to figure out why.  I don't think I've ever really fit in easily.  I try really hard for people to like me; sometimes I think my kindness comes off like I'm a fraud, but the fact of the matter is, I truly care about people and love so big...probably to a fault. When I was New York, I had my people, and oh my gosh how I miss you all terribly.  I had my people and I left.  We moved to North Carolin...

'I speak, because I need to be reminded of these truths' - Jedidiah Jenkins This has been on my heart lately.  It's something that I have been hearing and reading a lot about everywhere, and I feel like it is the universe's way of saying, 'This is what you need to write about'.  I've written many times about how I have lost sight of who I truly was when I was deep in my eating disorder and how I still struggle to find the real Tracy.  So, if you are sick of me babbling on about this, you should probably stop reading.  If you think I may have some helpful insight, carry on my friend. I recently started back doing programming at work, and it's been the best!  I love working with kids and I really feel like I have a strength in building relationships with kids of all ages.  I had a conversation with a little girl and I asked her what her favorite color, how old she was...you know, the basics.  When I asked her if she had a favorite animal, she starte...

Intuition.  I have it.  When I'm tired, I think 'I need a nap' or 'I need to slow down'.  If I'm running and I have my breathing down, I know I can do more.  I can pretty quickly give advice or input to the best of my ability by listening to what's in my heart.  When it comes to eating...I have no idea if I am hungry or full.  I do not know how to intuitive eat.  You may roll your eyes at this, and think, 'How could someone not know?'  That's a great question, but I really don't know. I have continued to lose weight.  I sat in my session and told my dietitian, 'I feel like I'm trying really hard.  I'm eating everything I should'.  I truly believe this to be true.  I feel frustrated.  I eat and I lose weight, I don't eat and I lose weight...what is happening?  I was diagnosed, later in my session, that I am a mechanical eater.  I eat what I think I'm supposed to eat, when I'm supposed to eat...not necessarily be...

As you, the reader, already know, I have struggled with an eating disorder for over a decade.  It is only now, as I am strong in my recovery, that I recognize the impact that a mental illness and/or addiction can have on your family and friends.  It is only now that I see others struggle, I feel the pain, and anger I may have caused many of you...and for that here is this apology. Please note that over the past 12 years I have made plenty of memories and moments of clarity.  The following apologies are for when I was at my sickest.  I am not my eating disorder; these behaviors were not me. Dear family and friends, I'm sorry that I was not fully present in moments of great joy and sadness.   I'm sorry that while you were making memories, I was so sick I knew I wouldn't remember. I'm sorry I drove when I didn't eat. For blacking out on the drive, and being grateful I made it home alive. I'm sorry if I was selfish. I'm sorry I manipulated you int...

Our words matter.  What we say to others has an impact; what we say to ourselves has an even bigger impact.  I have found that in my life I am always eager to make sure I am making everybody else happy.  I find myself worried most nights about interactions that I had throughout the day, ‘Did they take what I said the wrong way?’, ‘Why didn’t ___ say hi to me?’ etc.  I know many friends and acquaintances who have expressed the same anxieties. No doubt we need to be kind to others , but we cannot neglect ourselves along the way. The things that we tell ourselves on a daily basis are so important.  I’ve always heard about the power of words but I don’t think I ever truly believed the impact until recently. Before giving birth to Giuliana, I would say everyday how healthy she was and would continue to be, I would also say how a position at a library closer to home would open up and I would get it. All of these things came to be true. Would these things have ...